Am i crazy?
NONE OF THE NAMES USED ARE REAL!
Before I start some really quick backstory, I am a male 21 year old who works as a prep cook at a comedy club. My mother and father are divorced and I have two sisters, each of us have a different father, and I’m not looking for sympathy but for a sense of posterity, Thomas (the middle child's father, my father died after having nothing to do with me) did beat me somewhat frequently (enough for an irrational hatred of bamboo to take root,) to give some idea of the household.
The most recent sister, Cassie, is six and has down syndrome. At present she does not speak any language and still uses diapers, so we’ve been looking after a 2 year old for the last 5 years. She was born when I was going into high school so I never got to do any extracurricular activities or have friends I instead spent most days watching Cassie, and that didn’t really stop after high school. I spent my 21st birthday alone with my mother and I literally have nobody to talk to because we live in the suburbs and the closest anything is 6 hours walk away.
To pass the time I smoke reefer and for a three month stretch where I worked 2 jobs I did cocaine I got through the deep web (it was lovely but never again.) Recently I saved enough to leave for Australia on a work visa that I have decided to do everything I can to make it permanent (I have not told my family.)
But I wanted to know if I was crazy, and as such I am sorry for the lengthy backstory. I dislike loud noise so I am very quiet on my feet. I am very short at 5’4” and some people think that means that I like to be picked up but I literally see only red when someone does this, often I will throw whatever I have in my hands at the person (not Ideal in a kitchen) so I do usually mention this. I’m very blunt and abrasive (or truthful,) and I’m almost always helpful and polite, I work hard at my job, don’t take breaks, and haven't complained to anyone in years.
Still, as the past year has gone on and the one friend I had turned to 0 after he started to have a bad influence on me, I’ve noticed little twinges. First being, I talk to myself without even noticing usually it’s some religious nonsense like; “Blessed be those who groom the urge of vengeance, cursed be any who should dieny them that truth.” I also started having these somewhat vivid, I don’t want to say daydreams but that sort of what they are, where I murder someone and desecrate their corpse, all the while I just hum and feel warm, like drinking hot chocolate. I would never do it, but the nature of the act and the fact that I always seem so “at peace” during this horrifying escapade where I tear someone’s eyes from their skull, and rip their organs out concerns me.
I had a psychologist (never asked about the peace of my mind, never mentioned it) and I receive pills for ADD (Wellbutrin), and the only other strange things are; I model myself after the men of the early 1900s, I haven't had a dream since 2005, lastly I am very frugal and though I live with my mother and her boyfriend I pay for my own food, luxuries, cloths, and a small amount to rent.
So all things considered am I crazy and if not is my life normal?