Am i being too picky?

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10 Comments

I had another OKCupid date last night. This one was really not what I was expecting. She was very nice and I had no problem at all talking to her for a few hours over dinner, but she just seemed rough around the edges. She looked about 25 lbs heavier than in her pictures, but honestly that's not a big deal to me and I still thought she looked attractive. She said her last boyfriend who was with her for seven years had recently died, but then tried to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to ask how he died because I don't think that kind of question is appropriate. But based on my initial impression of her I suspect drugs might have been involved. But the date went really smoothly and we had a lot to talk about.

I guess this was a step up from the last date I had where I felt no physical attraction at all. But the other stuff was unsettling. But after doing this so many times I keep wondering to myself if I'm just looking for reasons to reject these women.

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76% Normal
Based on 33 votes (25 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • dom180
    9 years ago

    If you're expecting fireworks and orchestral music after one date, you're always going to be disappointed. Be realistic.

    You might not really want a relationship as much as you think you do. If you're a commitment-phobe, there's an underlying reason why you feel that way. You only live once, so don't waste your time going through the motions.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      9 years ago

      I don't expect fireworks but I do expect to feel some kind of attraction. The other one took me on a hike where we ended up in a very secluded area at one point. I felt really awkward because I didn't want to do anything but I sensed that she took me there because she kind of did.

      With this more recent one, I think she might have been on drugs or at least have used them in the past. I was worried about here seedy past more than anything.

      This has nothing to do with fear of commitment. I don't think.

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      • dom180
        9 years ago

        From what you've said here it seems like a stretch to be concerned that she's an addict or a drug user, especially since you don't know her boyfriend's death was linked to drugs in the first place.

        I'm using "commitment-phobic" fairly loosely. A relationship is a commitment, so shying away from a relationship is "commitment-phobia". Looking for reasons to reject people is the classic behaviour of someone who doesn't really want a relationship in the first place unless it's with someone who perfectly fits into your life. At least that's how it seems to me.

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    • [Old Memory]
      9 years ago

      How is not being attracted to someone being a commitment phobe? I could completely see you being against such a statement if the genders were reversed.

      Seriously, what the hell?

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      • dom180
        9 years ago

        You are projecting out of your arse if you genuinely believe I think like that :P I treat genders completely equally. I believe a woman who looks for reasons to not date a man is also probably a commitment-phobe on some level.

        People who are afraid of commitment often look for any reason to reject someone, because if they accept someone they'll have to face their fear. Commitment-phobes subconsciously rationalize their rejection of people by exaggerating flaws and ignoring virtues.

        You randomly approach me on a story that has nothing to do with gender to covertly accuse me of sexism? Stop pigeonholing me as a sexist before even asking me to explain myself, and stop looking for a fight with me in general.

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        • [Old Memory]
          9 years ago

          You base your opinion on two dates...Two, as if not being attracted to two people in a row is somehow proof of him being a commitment-phobe. Two, one of which he didn't have any attraction for.

          Well forgive me, but that's the impression I get from you on these types of things, that if there is a woman to side with in a scenario, you're on that side. I've never seen you on the opposite. I've never seen you on the opposite side.

          You're paranoid if you think I am always looking to pick a fight with you, you respond to me on the opposite side aswell multiple times.

          That aside, your whole "commitment-phobe" idea is just absurd based on "two" dates, one of which he has no attraction to and the other as if you can't find someone to be attractive in a non-romantic way.

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          • dom180
            9 years ago

            My opinion isn't based on these two dates, though. I'm basing it on this: "after doing this so many times I keep wondering to myself if I'm just looking for reasons to reject these women". Firstly, that's proof it's happened a lot more than twice. Secondly, in that quote the OP wonders himself if he is commitment-phobic (albeit using different words to say so).

            Never? There are often stories posted by women who are uncomfortable with their partner masturbating or looking at porn, and I often comment to tell them they are wrong. When there are stories posted by a woman who has cheated and wants forgiveness, I often comment to tell them they are wrong. When it comes to individuals, I often comment to call out female trolls targeting male members of the community. I can only assume you have an extremely selective memory.

            Approaching someone isn't picking a fight. Being combative and irrelevant is picking a fight. I am not combative when I approach you on IIN, and I only approach you about gender when there is already a discussion about gender in the thread or the thread itself is about gender. You are combative even on your approach, and this isn't the first time you've approached me when it isn't relevant.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              9 years ago

              I've been on the other side too though, where there's women who I really like and want to spend more time with but end up getting turned down. I'm not always the one doing the rejecting.

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  • Diver2
    9 years ago

    Try dating a man, you cocksucker!

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  • Sensate
    9 years ago

    So you judged her massively without relying on any facts and now you're asking the anonymous internet to decide?

    Maybe the reason she didnt want to make a big deal out of the death is because talking about your ex and big baggage things is just something you want to avoid on a first date.

    What you need is time to decide if you like someone, don't expect love at first sight on some blind date, meeting a person for the first time.

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