Am i awful ?

43% Normal

This is something i am very conflicted about, i am even scared to admit it or talk about it to my therapist, please help me!

So all my life i was attracted to the idea of someone (sleeping-passed out-unconscious), i didn't really understand what that was until i googled it and found that it was called (somnophilia or sleeping beauty syndrome).i actually can trace the reason i am interested in such a thing to my childhood, but lets move to the point after finding this i was so scared because it said it could lead to necrophilia but thanks god am not like that, still i was scared. After sometime i was reading fanfics that had that kind of theme in it but not sexually, like thry had someone pass out or so but not in a sexual way and onetime i musterbated, it was my first time to do it ever and it was by accident too, from that point after experiencing orgasm for the first time, i started reading somnophiliac or sex with one party sleeping fanfics and then i started to seek porn, note that i am 22 old virgin because of religious reasons and i was depressed at the time so musterbating and porn was my only comfort even if a huge part of my sadness was due to the very reason that i was watching porn, and that types of porn i was watching.

The thing that i can't get over is that some people are victims of rape drugs where they are raped against their will and when they pass out, i know 100% that i wouldn't want to do this to someone ever (it's just a fantasy nothing more) and if i am to witness such a thing i would die trying to save that person, i am a good person i know myself i wouldn't want that to happen to anyone and maybe that's the reason i can't forgive myself, when i hear stories from victims who had had such a terrible experience ofc i feel bad for them but at the same time if i am to imagine what happened i feel something in my genitalia (like turned on) and i hate myself for feeling so but i can't control my genitals can i ?

Also i know that porn is acting so i was ok with watching things likr that but recently i was thinking what if some videos i saw or see is real ? I googled it and found that some sites have real rape videos and the guilt is so hard like was if i musterbated to something (without knowing it's real) to someone's worst experience !!

Sorry that was too long but please help me and tell me,am i an awful person ? And should i talk to my therapist about it ?i am scared to do so and i thought i was dealing with it just fine by myself but looks like am not

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43% Normal

Based on 7 votes (3 yes)

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Comments ( 50 )

Boojum

3 years ago

This jumped out at me: "i am 22 old virgin because of religious reasons".

I easily can see how someone who's very screwed up about sex would find the idea of having sex with someone who's unconscious appealing. When you have sex with someone, they respond - in good ways or bad - to what you're doing, and so you have to acknowledge what you're doing. If the other person is unconscious (or dead), they wouldn't react to your presence in any way, so it wouldn't be like having sex with another person, but rather no more significant or sinful than you masturbating into a sock or a sun-warmed watermelon.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  I understand, but i just wanna point out that it's just a fantasy that gets me turned on. If i am to fantasise about having sex with someone i imagine a conscious partner whom i try to please. I think this has to do with something from my childhood as i had this attraction before i even knew what sex is
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    3 years ago
    
    His statement is still credible I think, you could have noticed certain expectations or something without understanding sex, leading you to feel awkward about intimacy maybe? Since that's how you get started at this point
    
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Clunk42

3 years ago

What type of religion is that disallows sex but allows masturbation? Whatever it is, they should pick a side.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  It doesn't allow maturation but having sex without marriage is a much greater sin
  
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  - Clunk42
    
    3 years ago
    
    Masturbation is still a sin. Just because there's something worse doesn't make your behavior acceptable.
    
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    - YE
      
      3 years ago
      
      And so is LUST in the first place. I mean, why don't people put in some extra effort to break away from religious constraints before it's too late?
      
      According to Christianity, for example, mere sexual desire = actual fucking, anger = killing. And that the solution is to pray to God to give you the Holy Spirit to help you alleviate such 'sinful' inclinations.
      
      So why are we born with those feelings in the first place? Would a person who successfully managed to couple up with someone they desired by employing good social skills and the dos and don'ts of seduction that out of a desire to hook up with someone of their preference they had to learn about, or a high performing athlete who taught themselves to channel their anger into a sport activity be equated to someone mocking the Holy Spirit, and therefore mocking God himself?
      
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      - Clunk42
        
        3 years ago
        
        If you're going to pretend you know something about Christianity, maybe you should actually learn something about Christianity. Lust is a venial sin, while premarital sex and masturbation are mortal sins. There's an extreme difference between the two. To be angry at someone isn't a sin at all, while murder is a mortal sin. To let your anger control you is a sin, while controlling your anger is not a sin. We are born with those feelings because Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. To not call upon the Holy Spirit to help you through things is not to mock the Holy Spirit. To mock the Holy Spirit is to mock the Holy Spirit.
        
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        charli.m
        
        3 years ago
        
        That's Catholicism, not Christianity.
        
        Just trying being a pedant, like you suggested :)
        
        In terms of Christianity, that other guy was right, FYI.
        
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        YE
        
        3 years ago
        
        Was your comment written with an utter disregard of what Jesus Christ's teachings were about, or just a deep-seated urge to one up someone who questions the legitimacy of religion citing examples from Christianity?
        
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      3 years ago
      
      I know i never said otherwise
      
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      - Clunk42
        
        3 years ago
        
        You acted like being aroused by the idea of having sex with a sleeping person is a worse sin, when it's not even a sin.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        3 years ago
        
        That's the point of the question, it is something that makes me feel bad about myself and i can't accept it so i was asking if it is normal and ok or sick and weird?
        
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my_life_my_way

3 years ago

It’s not the worst thing you could be into. Just find a partner who would consent to you fucking them in their sleep. I fantasise about a guy murdering me during sex so I wouldn’t really care if my boyfriend wanted to fuck me while I was sleeping.

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- YE
  
  3 years ago
  
  And there in you OP has a new therapist.
  
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bbrown95

3 years ago

I don't think you're awful because you know the difference between right and wrong and do not want to hurt anyone. However, I've never heard of this fetish (though that's not saying much since there's quite a bit I haven't heard of), so I'd say it's unusual.

As long as you don't let it turn into something that could harm others, I don't think there's any harm in it.

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RoseIsabella

3 years ago

You say you are a virgin for religious reasons, so my question is do you believe in God?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  I do believe im god but i am conflicted at the moment, i can't understand his reasons.
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    3 years ago
    
    God's reasons for what can't you understand?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      3 years ago
      
      I believe i am god ?!! Ofc not! I am just having doubts is all, about why we should do certain things and why we shouldn't do others, about the big picture of why we are born and why are we here in earth and not in heaven
      
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      - Clunk42
        
        3 years ago
        
        Most of the answers you seek are in the Old Testament. I'd suggest either Leviticus or Genesis. They answer your questions. The Gospel can also help with your first doubt.
        
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  - YE
    
    3 years ago
    
    You've got to give it up for screenplay writers. It's from a similar background that the protagonist of the movie 'Priest' from 2011 was crafted. And boy, his reasons for going against the church were leggit, IMO.
    
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  - raisinbran
    
    3 years ago
    
    You believe you're God?
    
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    - YE
      
      3 years ago
      
      I could have gone there, but I begun to sense this isn't a troll.
      
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Tommythecaty

3 years ago

This is how Jeffrey Dahmer started off before...well...you know....the shitstorm that followed.

But that’s rare, you can be healthy as long as you understand boundaries mr.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  i was scared for a year, kept thinking what if i am that sick but i know am not cause it's just a fantasy like i wouldn't want to do that in real life, if i am imagining myself having sex i imagine a conscious partner.
  
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  - Tommythecaty
    
    3 years ago
    
    Exactly, many people have very unusual fantasies. It’s the people that see no issue with crossing boundaries in fulfilling them that are sick.
    
    If it causes you distress then that is a sign that you are well aware of what will and will not cause trouble.
    
    You can find a partner that likes to pretend they’re asleep, or even one that likes the idea of whatever you want to do when they’re asleep. No harm nor foul. Jeez there are even peeps who have their partner take ice baths so that they are cold like a dead body. Sounds like you will be just fine.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      3 years ago
      
      Thanks, i find your comment comforting
      
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      - Tommythecaty
        
        3 years ago
        
        You’re welcome.
        
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Leerm

2 years ago

I had a girlfriend or fiancé with a bad drinking problem. She would fall asleep during sex witch at times resulted in her waking during sex and panicking. I continued doing my thing and just thought she was quiet. As things got along worse, we would have sex at bed time and I would fake my orgasm and wait 10 or so minutes and fuck her while she was asleep. It was fucking wild. I know that it was thrilling because it is taboo. I was inside her and she was unconscious and helpless. I could play around and edge. I told her about it a couple of times and she didn't exactly care for it but figured no real harm of it and loved me and was strangely a little pleased that she provided me such an opportunity. I honestly miss it but the drinking was the end of us.

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