Am i abusive person? or is he making me think so

i am sorry that this is going to be a very long post.
as i am still confused, i don't know what part is important so i just lay it all out there.

i am 30 yo female, live in melbourne australia, but from japan.
i was on working holiday first time i got here but i met this guy and i fell in love. i changed my plan and staying here longer now.

but he broke up with me a month ago. said he was not happy, and i understood. but we kept living together because, financial reasons and also, i didn't want to lose him.

even we have broken up, we had so much feelings for each other, i mean, i always loved him but he had his up and downs.
and we were trying to work on our broken relationship.
i said he can do whatever, see whoever, i hope him to come back to me when he is ready and that was the plan.

but last week, we were out, again it was one of those "trying to work this out" kind of out. maybe we were not having such fun.

we both got drunk, we got into, well, i got angry about thing he said. he walked away from me, left me in restaurant and i got angry.
i chased him out, and asked him to face me. i was really drunk but i remember i called his bullshit.(i knew he was talking to his ex a lot and i wanted to know if he just wanted to get back with her)

he just kept walking away from me, i kept asking him to stop and talk to me. he kept saying we will at home.
i didn't want to because, i didn't want another bad memory inside the house.

i pushed him against the wall at one point telling him to just stop and talk, and he pushed me away.

and i kept doing the same thing, and eventually he pushed me so hard i fell on the ground. it was raining, and he didn't even stop to check if i was ok, he kept walking.
i felt so angry, i run to him and i think i smacked him as hard as i could.
we got home, he was grabbing his stuff, so he could leave. i just kept asking for him to stop and face me, talk to me but he just didn't stop. i tried to hold him, and he pushed me away, harder, and harder. one point he pushed me against a couch and i hit my head on hard part, it is still in pain now. he yelled at me saying, you stop touching me or i will really hit you. i was out of my mind at this point screaming back things like, i don't care if you hit me, i want to hurt myself now see what you do, i hate you so much now i could kill you or something like that. really nasty things but off course i did not mean those things.

eventually we stopped, and i apologized for hitting him.
he said i have problem, he thinks i will kill him in his sleep.
and said that he can not be in the same room as me, never want to see me again.

my mind was taken over by rage, when we finally started talking i realized i didn't even remember what actually happened.

the thing is, when i think about it now, he knew i was drunk. he knew he could just stop and try to calm me. but instead, he just kept walking. why?
right after our fight, he texted his ex saying he needs to stay there because he thinks his life is in danger.

am i crazy thinking, maybe, he intentionally made the fight worse so he has good reason to leave me for good?

but i guess normal people will never get into this kind of fight so that is stupid assumption?

how come i am the one all bruised up with his hand marks on my arms , bruise on legs by being pushed to ground many times, and i am the crazy one?
is it really me that is crazy?

next day i begged him to not leave me, i will find a counselor to fix my anger control, and he said maybe it's good idea but he is not interested.

our relationship had problems but i just can't stand that it end like this. i feel helpless, stupid and worthless. and i want him to come back, like nothing happened, but that is not gonna happen.

we are meeting tomorrow to discuss what we are going to do.
i don't know what to say to him. i love him so much, i really thought i met the one. the relationship needed work but i thought i do not mind suffer for him.

am i just being blind? or should i pursuit my emotion?
i am older woman now, i have dated and have broken up many times, and this is first time i am being messed up and confused.
please, i need your honest opinion.