Am i a lesbian
I'm actually panicking. This is like a conspiracy about myself. Anyway when I was younger, like nine or so, I used to 'borrow' my mother's fashion catalogues and open it at the underwear section and stare at the women in it, like the shape of their bodies and their boobs. It kind of 'entertained' my eyes? There was a woman in an advert near our house and I stared at the cleavage when I went past like a little creep, but I just thought that her boobs were beautiful and amazing. I accidentally made a teacher uncomfortable doing that. And when I was 10, I used to draw women and obsess over the shape of their bodies, and draw boobs again. I just loved imagining them. At twelve, when playing games, you had the option of customising the character's body, and I would feel excited to customise women and see their bodies with or without clothes. I know this sounds super perverted, but this is like a compilation of all bad things rolled into one. I like being near females and the kind of vibe being around them, just pleasant and gentle, I like their faces and how they care about others. I prefer talking to them and watching them.
With men, I can't really look at their bodies and feel the same fascination. Sometimes their voices can be attractive though, or their character. I think I liked a guy before, a lot, but maybe part of it was because I expected to have a crush at least once so I forced it- but I have felt attracted to men before, definitely.
I can't imagine myself in a relationship with a woman though. I crave intimacy and would like to share a bed with a girl or feel her warmth, which is pretty normal as a straight girl. Women fascinate me though. I really like their voices and their energy. I kissed my friend when I was twelve, and told myself that it wasn't lesbo because it was practice, and it just felt weird and gross. I am a virgin as I have promised to wait until marriage and am planning to, so I don't know what any of that would be like in detail.
Anyway guys please tell me if I am straight or not I just need help. If I am, I just want to face it and deal with it. I have to marry a man for my family regardless, so I need to face whatever I am.