Advice please! i fell in love with my "married" best friend?

21 Comments

We've been good friends since we met 5 years ago, but the last 3 years have been different. He lives with the mother of his 2 children (4 and 6) although they are NOT married. They are miserable and fight in front of the boys, sometimes he doesn't want to go home at all. He loves his boys and is afraid if he leaves, she will take them away from him. These last 3 years, he's been there for me and I've been there for him. Through the best and worst, we never fight. I've fallen in LOVE with him! He is very sweet to me, while he has never said "I love you" he shows me, his love/affection every day. He talks about wanting to leave her and how hard it will be for him to be apart from his boys. We talk everyday, sometimes for just a moment, other times for hours. I'm sure that his "wife" isn't aware how close we are, and if she found out, I feel like emotionally we are cheating. I know if I wanted to take our cheating to the next level I could at this point, but he respects me, so we don't. I really want him to leave her, but I understand it will be difficult. He knows how I feel about him, he also knows I'm not looking to date anyone (else) and I've been single for nearly a year. Even when I was in a relationship we were very close (possibly too close), but now I've realized, I don't want anyone else.

Background information: we are both 29 and we both work and I go to school (nursing).

Thanks for reading. =)

Let myself become the "other woman"	5
Tell her about us when I see her	0
Other- please comment	4
Don't wait for him	7
Wait a year for him	2
Wait 6 months for him	2

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Comments ( 21 )

[Old Memory]

9 years ago

He won't have sex with you because he respects you? Are you hoping that some day he'll lose respect for you so you two can bang?

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- mayginski
  
  9 years ago
  
  No, not at all. He made it obvious long ago that he wanted more, but I said that I didn't feel comfortable doing that unless he leaves her. He respects me and has never asked/implied that he wanted sex since I said that.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    9 years ago
    
    I just meant that it's weird to only have sex with people who you have no respect for, is all.
    
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  - slings_and_arrows
    
    9 years ago
    
    But he wanted to bang you with no chance of a relationship before? And you think thats respect, just coz he's never tried it on again? I think you need to wise up, you cant be waiting for him forever. Doesn't he want a relationship with a woman? Is he having sex with his "wife?" I think you need to get away from him for awhile. He should want you more than this.
    
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RoseIsabella

9 years ago

Leave him alone. Don't say or do anything about your "feelings" unless he leaves her.

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CalciteQueen

9 years ago

You're just good friends until he literally confesses his feelings. If he doesn't end his relations with his current partner - you leave the picture. Don't look back.

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Freedom_

9 years ago

Love makes you blind. You need to get some space from him to gain some perspective. Is this situation really worth all of the pain or does he have you on a hook?

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- mayginski
  
  9 years ago
  
  Thanks!
  
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thegypsysailor

9 years ago

There are no circumstances that give you the right to have an affair with this man, none at all. If he wants to be with you,then tell him he must divorce his wife and only then can you be together.
No matter how unhappy he says he is, he made a promise and a commitment to his family and a bit of slap and tickle with you was never part of that bargain.

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- sillygirl77
  
  9 years ago
  
  he's not actually married and we don't know what kind of commitment he made, but it's still a bad idea... that I agree with.
  
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  - thegypsysailor
    
    9 years ago
    
    You are right, of course that he isn't married, but when you have children with somebody, I'd hope that it is a form of commitment. There are enough single parent, bastard children in this world already.
    
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    - mayginski
      
      9 years ago
      
      I'm not advocating that he abandon his children, but I think it's healthier for a child to have 2 parents who love them and are happy than it is for them to grow up in a home watching their parents fight constantly. I think every situation is different and hurtful in it's own way. I don't live with them, but I know her and the boys. Needless to say she doesn't like me. In this case their fights are only verbal other than her scratching our hitting him there's nothing physical. I just don't think kids need to see their parents fighting constantly, it sends the wrong message.
      
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      - davesumba
        
        9 years ago
        
        I completely agree with ^
        
        Having two parents who are always fighting isn't the least bit healthy. That is going to be where their children learn how to act.
        
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    - sillygirl77
      
      9 years ago
      
      you'd think...
      
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WhiteStallion

9 years ago

Seems like you're just a friend he can lean on, or he's using you to distract himself from the problems he has at home. You need to find out how strong his feelings are, but I'd advise against being that 'other woman' who broke their marriage, even if you don't consider their marriage legit, it is.

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davesumba

9 years ago

ummm, those two aren't even 'married' in quotation marks. Just your run of the mill baby mama drama.

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pastor_of_muppets

9 years ago

I don't want
Anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Oh oh oh I don't want
Anybody else
Oh no oh no oh no no no

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- donteatstuffoffthesidewalk
  
  9 years ago
  
  are yall too sexy for yalls cat too?
  
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- mayginski
  
  9 years ago
  
  While somewhat humorous, that's not really helpful, nor is it true.
  
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sillygirl77

9 years ago

He doesn't say he loves you... that's fishy imo. Although they're not married I think unless he gets this woman's express permission to be in an open relationship, you shouldn't do it. I suspect he's using you as his emotional outlet, because he he loved you, he would have told you in all of this time and that's a huge red flag.

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- mayginski
  
  9 years ago
  
  I wouldn't want to be with him if he was in an open relationship, I'm not interested in being the other woman. It's possible that you are correct that he is using me emotionally, but he has told me that he has never been good at expressing his feelings (verbally). He does tell me that he misses me, he worries about me, he wants to see me, he even tells me to behave. He runs his fingers through my hair, and we hug each other. Some of our mutual friends assume that there is something between us and joke that we should get married already. I suppose that the red flag for me is that he hasn't left her yet and they've had serious problems for years, including cheating (they have both cheated). I know it won't be easy for him to leave, but I know most men who say they're going to leave never do.
  
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Are You Normal?

Advice please! i fell in love with my "married" best friend?