Advice on a poem/song?

17 Comments

Hey guys,

If you want to read it, this is a poem I wrote and I would really appreciate some feedback/constructive critisism on it. Don't be afraid to tell the truth, I won't be too offended. Thanks!
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I’ve known this all along
In the end you’d do me wrong
This love was never meant to be
Why couldn’t I believe

I was only a replacement
Just a way of feeling sane
When really it was him you loved
The whole thing was in vain

Now can you see
All this damage done to me
It was all because of you
To me you just couldn’t stay true

Now the voices in my head
Speak every word you ever said
And every breath I take
Reminds me of the happy I can’t fake

It was the little game you played
And all the moves that you made
It was my trust that you’d break
Not just another mistake

Finally after all the lies
You can take off that nice disguise
Cuz everything we ever had
Well it dies tonight, dies tonight

I hated it 6
It was just ok 29
Other (Add a comment) 3
I liked it 34
worst thing I have ever read 5
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Comments ( 17 )
  • ALLoftheabove
    13 years ago | pl

    It would be better as a song then a poem

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  • KeyboardSolo
    13 years ago

    The rhyming is far, far too simple. Annoyingly simple, really.

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  • PBandG101
    13 years ago

    SPEAK FROM THE SOUL AND YOU WILL ACHIEVE TRUE BEAUTY

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    i lke the last line , it dies tonight,dies tonight, and when i first read it i also thought of it as a song

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    • [Old Memory]
      12 years ago

      i re read your poem and i like it

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  • wigsplitz
    13 years ago

    I agree with ^, it's not creative at all either. I think you're trying to make the poem fit into a box so to speak. You aren't taking any risks or showing any part of your soul!!

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  • jrocks
    11 years ago

    There is nothing wrong with simple rhyming. The most famous poets have been known to use a,a,b,b. But, of course, they make up for it in other ways: imagery, assonance, general feeling and message..

    My advice is to find a better rhythm. Try to get exactly the same or at least close amount of syllables in each line, or section.
    For example: Line 1: 5, Line 2: 7, Line 3:5, Line 4: 7.

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  • ONLYNOBI
    12 years ago

    I liked it but it wasn't really like a deep poem just something normal! would be better as lyrics for a song.

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  • spiritguide24
    12 years ago

    very well written! im a poet myself! you know wat this gives me an idea 4 my next poll! dude/dudet you are really good and should keep it up.

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  • flab!
    13 years ago

    try turn it into a song, with a repeating chorus and stuff, its good tho!

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  • poof!gone122
    13 years ago

    i have an idea to make that a screamo/hard rock song. and it's very well written. i am quite impressed.

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  • Celeste
    13 years ago

    A child could write this...it's too mainstream, but keep trying to improve!The purpose of this was not to insult you, but much rather inspire you to aim for the next best thing.I suggest you read the road less travled by.If you can understand what everything means on your own, then your in good form.

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  • blithe
    13 years ago

    I liked it. But if it were a poem it would need a more complex and more consistent rhyme scheme. I do think it would be better as a song, but I also think that some revising would make it a bit better. But over all it wasn't the worst thing that I have ever read.

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    I liked it

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  • Daniel990
    13 years ago

    You should stick the word betwixt in there. With the word betwixt, every poem gets better.

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  • sunoy14
    13 years ago

    i cant find any poetic touch in it. just feelings and simple rythm. i agree its better as a song

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  • bleach_baby
    13 years ago

    Yeah, the rhyming is totally simplistic, it's like you've constructed the poem with the sole aim of making it rhyme. There's nothing original or interesting about it, it's kind of whiny, I dunno if you are 13/14 it's a good effort.

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