Abuse ? or normal?

9% Normal

So I would like to know everyone opinion. I have a boyfriend of two years we plan to get married and just moved in together. But I have notice so many things way before we moved in together. Let me start by saying I'm 27 and he is 23 so there is an age gap . We come from two different backgrounds I'm from the states and he's from a different country. His religion is Muslim and we'll me I don't have one. Well I just started noticing that he tells me I can't do this or that alot. Like I would love to go out with friends but he wants me to stay home or I need to invite him I was okay with that . But then it started with he doesn't want me to wear glasses anymore only contacts when we go out to I have to dress up more then just going how I usually go (yoga pants and a T-shirt) so in my head I'm like okay it's okay I can do that. Then it's going to me doing everything with my son by myself. He isn't the father of him but he's been there so long with me and my son but doesn't help me with anything with him. I keep telling myself that it's okay it isn't his son. I feel overwhelmed constantly but I can never say anything to him how I feel bec it always leads to an argument. If he gets really mad he punches walls. He's only pushed me down but he says he never hit me so it was my fault. Then he always started saying I'm his only his and in stuck with him. He likes grabbing me hard like if I'm having sex with him and biting. Even tho I keeps saying ouch. I love him but I don't know if this is completely normal in a relationship. I've only been with my ex and was with him for 13 years. (My child father). I know in my head I should leave bec even tho I love him I know something is right. But I tried and he found me and wouldn't let me and always starts bein nice again and then it goes to the sane way. Am I the only one that thinks this may be normal?

Voting Results

9% Normal

Based on 80 votes (7 yes)

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Comments ( 34 )

MR.mr

7 years ago | pl

NO ITS NOT NORMAL, LEAVE AND CALL THE POLICE.

seriously, when you started ou with he wants to change the way you dress and restrict your going out abit, that's possessive but ok,

but you said he pushes you down, and says its your fault? That is a huge huge huge red flag. arguments and punching walls are one thing, but he put his hands on you and then says its your fault? No those are early warning signs, he will get much more abusive.

Then you said you tried to leave but he found you and wouldn't let you go? that is another huge red flag, he's dangerous.

get a restraining order and leave.
your relationship is not normal
you are putting yourself and possibly your child in danger.

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- Nichole2016
  
  7 years ago
  
  I have never been in an abusive relationship so I would of guess it all seemed okay. I mean still he would bite me or pull my hair during sex even when I say it hurts he still does it. He did leave me before when I came home everything was gone but then broke back into the house n threw my clothes everywhere and it freaked me out n then he came to my job a couple weeks later crying saying he love me and he wants to come back. But everytime he pushes me or hits the wall or throws things down he always says it's my fault I made him do it. N makes me feel like it really is
  
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  - MR.mr
    
    7 years ago
    
    It is not your fault. He put his hands on you without cause, it is not your fault.
    If you allow yourself to believe it is your fault, you will allow yourself to be abused more and more.
    
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    - Nichole2016
      
      7 years ago
      
      They need more ppl on here like u . Giving real advice and not judging. Thank u!
      
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      - MR.mr
        
        7 years ago
        
        I try
        
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      - Shak
        
        7 years ago
        
        I have seen similar stories from you. In one you claimed to be younger than him and had him share your flat and were both of the same religion and he lived in your flat and you asked should I marry him or step away. That one didn't get too much attention cause it did not have Muslim on it, did it now? In another one you claimed you were having a baby. In one month your age changed from 29 to 27. In another you claimed he got mad at you for refusing to role play. You are a troll who loves writing boy friend abuse fiction. You might fool others, but you ain't fooling me.If you don't like men, you don't have to be with them. Like women don't need men, men don't need women, so stop posting all these fake craps and stick to your lesbian club. If you don't like men, you don't have to be with them. But stop being such an attention seeking trolling bitch!!!
        
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    7 years ago
    
    Child, you got to take out a restraining order on that sorry ass muthafucka!!! When you say no and someone, ignores you're saying that no it means that person doesn't respect you as a human being, don't waste your time, love, and emotion on someone who doesn't respect you! Accept no excuses for his bad behavior, but instead cut all ties with this fool and stand your ground, girl! Be an unshakable pillar of strength for yourself and others like yourself who struggle with the cycle abuse. Allow your strength to show the world that God made you to be worthy of love and respect. You deserve so much better than what you're getting... "and you know this"!*
    
    *Yes people, I'm quoting Stoney*
    ;-)
    
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Tealights

7 years ago

He's abusive, both emotionally and physically, even sexually.

However, his abusive behavior has nothing to do with age, religion, race, or nationality. It's really important that you know this, because abusers are everywhere. Though Muslim men behave a certain way to the women of their culture, it doesn't excuse abuse and not all Muslim men are abusive. The point I'm trying to make is, don't narrow down abuse to one specific culture, race, or age. Thinking like that will only set you up for trouble, because you're just avoiding certain people, but not actually learning how to spot abusive traits.

Facts are, abusers can be anyone, from a clean-shaven man with a great job and sexy body, to a hobo, and everything else in-between (women too). However, abusers all stand out, because they can't completely hide their abusive tendencies forever, something will trigger it or they will get tired of pretending. Once you leave this guy, start learning the warning signs/red flags to watch out for to keep you and your son safe from potentially harmful people.

http://www.caring-unlimited.org/what-is-domestic-violence/for-victims-and-survivors/is-my-relationship-abusive

I really like this site, since the list actually goes in order of what you should notice first when meeting someone new. Abusers are normally extremely charming at first before they reveal everything, because despite how charming, they do show these signs, so stay vigilant.

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- Tempest-au
  
  7 years ago
  
  Just remember, one or two, or even a few of these things are "normal". Alternately I've been abused in every relationship I've been in to some degree, and abused to some degree too.
  
  Saying "you make me happy" is abusive? Really? Should we all say "you allow me the freedom to express my emotional state joyously" just so we're not abusers?
  
  "All I need is you" is abusive? what about context? If "Hey, have you ever wanted to go have sex with someone else?" was the question, I suppose the non-abusive answer is now "hell yes, all the time, God knows I need more than you!".
  
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  - Tealights
    
    7 years ago
    
    You're nitpicking, and being strangely defensive about this... or are you trolling? I can't tell.
    
    In abusive situations, "You make me happy," is just a general saying, but each abuser words it differently and follows it with unpleasant actions and words that contradicts it. In Nichole's case, he blamed her for being angry constantly, which manipulates her into thinking that his happiness depends on her compliance to his demands.
    
    "All I need is you, and all you need is me," is a general saying as well to show ownership somewhat and it depends on the what he's doing at the time. In the Nichole's case, he word it as, "You're mine and only mine," though this sounds like the lyrics to a loving song and he most likely was doing something that contradict this and alarmed her.
    
    It's true that not every category on this list will relate to every abusive relationship, but the list isn't meant to check off every warning sign to reveal a 100% abuser, but just there as indicators to a possibly abusive situation; because abusers do say and do most of the things on the list, but it can range from subtle to extreme, so in a way it's good that this site didn't make the list so specific in wording.
    
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    - Tempest-au
      
      7 years ago
      
      Not nitpicking, nor being defensive. Just simply saying that what is an indicator of abuse in one situation may well not be in another.
      
      I looked over that list, and while some of the points listed were very cut and dried abuse, some were highly contextual or circumstantial.
      
      It's a little like seeing "Dr Google" with a medical problem. You need to be careful not to take a couple of minor, unrelated symptoms and suddenly end up with terminal cancer. Not advocating abuse here, just saying people need to be sensible and look at their own situation with their eyes open, not blindly follow some abstract list compiled by a committee.
      
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      - Tealights
        
        7 years ago
        
        So sorry you disapprove of this list, I'll be sure to find a better one of your liking next time?? Nope; not happening. lol
        
        I'm just trying to help. This list as well as many other informative sites helped me see my abusive situation clearly when I was going through something very similar. Though vague as it seems to you, it spoke loudly to me and many others who I've shown in the past.
        
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        Tempest-au
        
        7 years ago
        
        ROFL - no, your list is fine, particularly if it helped you to recognise an abusive situation and get out of it.
        
        Perhaps I'm overcritical of "labels and boxes". I looked over the list, and based on it's content could regard almost all of my relationships as being abusive - with me being both abuser and abused! I'd say there was a tendency towards my being abused, but then in accordance with the list, that in itself could make me an abuser, so...
        
        P.S. Please don't take this as a personal attack on you, because as the list says, that could make you an abuser. ;)
        
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GOODCHILD

7 years ago

Muslims are naturally abusive. They aren't good people, and neither is he

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RoseIsabella

7 years ago

Run! Run the fuck away from this guy!

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- MR.mr
  
  7 years ago
  
  agreed 100%
  
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- Nichole2016
  
  7 years ago
  
  I write alot about my relationship on here bec I need advice n have no one to talk to and awe I'd it's normal. Maybe it's normal maybe it's not . I have no idea anymore
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    7 years ago
    
    It's not normal, girl! He ain't tha boss of you, and you know this!
    
    So you say he's Muslim. What religion are you? I'm curious.
    
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    - Leonard_Hatred_
      
      7 years ago
      
      She said in her post "His religion is Muslim and we'll me I don't have one. "
      
      Mark my words> That guy is going to use you and abuse you and he will justify it all in the name of his religion.
      
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      - RoseIsabella
        
        7 years ago
        
        Yep! She needs to be with someone who accepts and respects her the way she is! I think she's much more likely to find that with another Agnostic, Atheist, or even a Judeo-Christian person, but not that nasty, sorry ass bastard she's been wasting the last two years with.
        
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Tempest-au

7 years ago

Basic math:

You are 27
You have been with your current BF for two years - so since 25.
Prior to that you were with the father of your child for 13 years, so SINCE YOU WERE 12!

I'm not even going to bother commenting on your post - the above says it all.

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- Nichole2016
  
  7 years ago
  
  Yes believe it or not me n my ex meet when I was 11 had my first kid at 16
  
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  - Tempest-au
    
    7 years ago
    
    Okay, this explains a lot. You have no experience in the real world, and your emotional development was probably stunted by being in an adult relationship since you were 11.
    
    As MR.mr and RoseIsabella have both expressed, get out of the situation NOW. Get away, and get a restraining order. This guy is only going to get worse. Much worse.
    
    I don't like to play the religion card, but this sort of behaviour is "more common" among Muslims, particularly the "less educated / less western" ones. Once you actually get married, what small residual rights you are currently "allowed" by your boyfriend will almost certainly vanish. To quote Bachman-Turner Overdrive - "You ain't seen nothin yet".
    
    If you are stupid enough to stay, at least try and get your son somewhere safe - your parents/his father/whatever.
    
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    - Nichole2016
      
      7 years ago
      
      I'm starting to think that his religion has alot to do with it. I didn't want to believe most of what they say about Muslim are true because it didn't bother me that he was at the time. I am worried about me and my son knowing how fast he gets mad. That's why I'm trying to see if it was normal behavior for a guy to act this way. I know deep down it isn't bec I never seen my dad treat my mom this way. I'm reading all the replies and it's really has helped I know what I have to do and know that this isn't healthy for me or my son. I will not marry someone that makes me think twice about what I do or say. Thanks for all y'all feedback.
      
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    - Ratman2
      
      7 years ago
      
      I don't like to play the gay basher card, but what the fuck is a gay fag like you doing giving relationship advice to a female? This boggles the mind.
      
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      - Tempest-au
        
        7 years ago
        
        Well, I was a 48yo straight guy before I met you princess. Now I've been reborn as a gay guy who loves navy men with tiny dicks.
        
        It's been an interesting couple of weeks.
        
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        Ratman2
        
        7 years ago
        
        Your impeccable typing is annoying. No straight guy types this neatly. Went to some all female secretarial school did you? I suppose if it was government funded they had to let you in. A straight man would ad a typo or two on purpose knowing that would be the macho thing to do. But I guess you just want to be one of the girls, right? Look, this is getting old and boring. Just come out of the closet and admit that you enjoy sucking a man's hairy ass and let's be done with this. I'll stop bugging you. Deal?
        
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mysistersshadow

7 years ago

Sounds like a relationship that you need to get out of NOW. The abuse and controlling behavior will only get worse. This is not a environment to raise a child in so if not for yourself get out for your childs sake. Seriously do as much as you safely can to make your move then GO.

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finn

7 years ago

You say you can't talk to him and along with all the other red flags that's a big one. All successful relationships have open and honest communication. The repercussion of that should not be abuse (verbal or physical).

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Are You Normal?

Abuse ? or normal?