A life of static

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13 Comments

Ever since I was a little boy I was very dissident. I all ways rebelled against the normalcies of my environment. Unleashing hell through pent up energry and emotional distress. I've taught myself control now before it was too late, could have been the death of a friend or I.

You know the reason I acted this way for so long was because I learnt to associate everything that comes to me with static. I dissassociate, perhaps this came about because of the lack of family/nuture I had growing up. Perhaps the intrusive thoughts gave rise from my fathers genetics being schizophrenic.

The voices tell me it's bad so it all just becomes static. I become fearful of developing relations with people of any sort due to the paranoia. Lately they enjoy taunting me with thoughts of death. Pushing me to the edge, making me feel as if I were to fall off. As if I was dying, you can associate this to leaning back on a chair and having the feeling you're falling. Then take that feeling and have it last 3 hours, your mind starts to go to dark places.

As the paranoia grows so to does the static, there is no meaning anymore. Apathy rules, with a fistful of aniexty. I feel distant from everything. Like a shadow of ignorance, I may be seen but I don't see them.

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27% Normal
Based on 11 votes (3 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • qualityaristocrat
    8 years ago

    Instead of romanticizing your mental illness, you should speak to a professional councilor.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      Are you sure the voices aren't just degenerate?

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      • Short4Words
        8 years ago

        Mental illness can cause you to take a step back but it's not permanent. You're at a low point. Your mental and physical health may decline but you can work yourself back up to a healthy plateau.

        You should see a therapist though. I have had a very similar life and it's doing nothing but helping.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          I don't feel bad, or abnormal. I've been like this since I can formulate my first memory. Talking to someone about this kind of issue only makes it worst. You need some one you can trust to help guide you till you're able to be self-sufficent. I don't know people, and it is hard to begin learning of new people due my condition. Is a cache 22, and asking for that kind of help just makes me feel worthless. The idea I need someone to hold my hand because I am too incompetent to do things on my own as expected is demeaning. Especially when explaining it too others.

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          • Short4Words
            8 years ago

            I know that's how you feel but that's now how it always is. A therapist isn't going to hold your hand but they can help you talk about the things that are hard to vocalize to anyone else. There's no one in my life I can talk to without feeling like I'm burdening them or making myself vulnerable. It's the therapist's job to listen. That's all. If you can afford it, it's a benefit.

            I'm getting better. Which I never thought was impossible. Don't think you're a special case.

            And news flash, you need other people.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              8 years ago

              I think you're missing my point. Transferring it to your issues. It really isn't about feelings lol, but just gauging on your writing style I'm not going to fight it. I have nothing to say for any one to listen to. I merely have these uncontrollable intrusive thought patterns that come up, which I will gladly tell any body I'm very open and could care less. My actual problem is I let them dictate my actions on a social level, and at home I can't motivate myself to follow through on any actions as I have no reason to in my opinion. As who am I doing it for, if it is for myself it isn't happening. So unless someone is guiding me to stay focused, or the person is of interest and I am doing it for OUR benefit it will not happen. So I just need to go out socialise, which I've been doing but it takes time to find that person that can help. Love isn't real is just a joke, it is about compatability, features, specifications. Haven't found the right model, and a lot don't work on my platform. I posted this mostly as a story to put things in perspective, that maybe others could reciporcate with similar stories of their own. Not as a self-help post. I don't mean to sound rude but not where I was going with this. Romanticising was a good analogy, I'm comfortable with who I am. I see no problem in it what so ever, life is full of obstactles you figure it out yourself.

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  • Freedom_
    8 years ago

    Express your woes and sorrows through music, poetry, writing or visual art. I get the sense that you have a creative side waiting to be unleashed.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      During my teens I did this as I was quite emotional. Now that I am older I used physical activity as an outlet till I became injured. Things started to decline on the month (NOV) of my birthday last year mentally, then physically this year. You're right though about the idea, you have to keep occupied to keep it in regression and that is partly why it is becoming worst. The stuff I like is expensive to go out and do. Art Galleries, Museums, Theatre, Orchestra, Opera, Lectures (this is free, but the commute outweighs the benefits), etc... As it is now I do writing for planning purposes it is just motivation sucks, I really need an aid to help me with things because I just can't focus on one thing. I feel streched across a million different ideas.

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      • Freedom_
        8 years ago

        What makes the commute so terrible? Your mental condition?

        I can relate to not being able to focus on one thing. Try making a list of the the things you need to do, positive habits you need to build and prioritize them. Just work on them a little at a time. Make a written schedule that gets you back on track.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          Cost/Time.

          Yeah that's easier said then done. Interestingly I find this is more accomplishable when I am homeless. You're automatically forced to be on the move when you awake, I'd go to the gym in the morning shower and that. Then spend the rest of the day at library, or go visit with others. When I have a place I just stay in and procrastinate everything. For me it's you have a place so what more do you need kind of attitude. If I am outside, its all about shelter, making sure you're strong, and occupying your time in a postive/constructive manner so you don't go stir crazy. I'd prefer to live that way till I made something of myself, instead of living off the government. I was for awhile till I became injured during the winter, and I didn't mind waking up to -25 weather.

          P.S. In hindsight I might just rent a room, so I have a place to go but stay outside. Is better for me.

          Thanks for the advice

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          • Freedom_
            8 years ago

            I know quite well what you mean. It's easier to become motivated when you're in that sort of "survival mode". For that reason stuff like living off grid or in some kind of shack in the woods or by the beach really appeals to me. In that way, you're kind of abandoning self-discipline to your circumstances though. I was never homeless, but a few steps away from it. During that time I was more productive, but nearly all of my energy was used on creating and maintaining a safe environment. I head no or little time/energy to exert into my art or anything else that could possibly lead to any significant contribution to society.

            You're welcome :)

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