What's love and who to be with: need help

My boyfriend is not really an emotional type to show much love. I am the opposite. We've been together for 4 years. In the first 2 years, I was just happy to have him. He has so many good qualities and our interests/views are so similar. I knew he loves me and I was fairly fine with giving more love than receiving. I lived 2 last years separately from him due to studies abroad and we became very distant. I frequently asked him if he loves/likes me, sought his attention but it did not help.

I fell in love with another guy (let's call him Andreas) after a year of living separately from my boyfriend. Andread was giving me so much care and attention. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but failed since
*he is a great person overall
*I thought I must stick to 1 person all my life
*that I would have calm life with him since he's not very emotional --> I felt so safe with him
*he would be a good father to my future kids
*I thought I still love him.
Nonetheless, my feelings toward Andreas were overwhelming and I made a huge mistake: I cheated to make myself to break up with my boyfriend. Alas, it did not help. When I told about everything to my boyfriend, I saw and knew he loves me a lot...

The guy I fell in love with, Andreas, sometimes reminded me of my ex-boyfriend who was very emotional and very abusive towards me. I would perceive any negative emotion from Andreas as being a sign of future problems for me - I know it is not normal, but I cannot get rid of this feeling without a prolong help of a psychotherapist. We would quarrel with him, mostly because I did not break up with my boyfriend. This all just scared me.

I pushed Andreas away so many times despite I greatly loved him. I decided to recover my relationship with my boyfriend and devote my life only to him. However, I still miss Andreas and this makes me very sad, even suicidal.

I get thoughts that maybe I am a polyamorous person and cannot be happy with anyone of these two. When I feel too bad, I think I should just try to get back with Andreas and that I can have a loving family with him one day.

It is hard for me to leave my boyfriend without being 100% sure I just care about him but don't love anymore. Is it normal? I feel insane. What should I do?

Is It Normal?
Feeling Suicidal?
We couldn't help but notice that you might be asking about things related to suicide...
If that's not the case, please ignore this message.
But, if that is the case, please, please, please call this hotline and talk to someone about it. Or, visit one of these websites and get some help.
Unfortunately IIN isn't the best place for you to be asking about this. Check out the above websites or call one of the hotlines instead. They can help. Really. We know what we're talking about. Call. Do it. Please.
Remember that everything gets better with time.
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 10 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • As stupid it sounds, get a break of both of them.If your current bf is ok to wait that long till you are ready, you should stay with him.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • You are walking down a miserable path, and you will justify every step you take.

    I don't think you have the self-awareness needed to change course, but in case you do: you are responsible for your own happiness. You actively have to work at it, otherwise you'll hate yourself.

    You need to stop getting your validation from others and start building it within yourself.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    • -
    • Yes, this is my problem - I try to analyse and justify everything in my life. I have grown aware that quite often I can come up with wrong justifications, so it looks like I'm lying to myself and others. I need to stop it somehow.

      I guess you are right that I lack self-awareness and thus I don't pursue my happiness. I have decided to undergo a behavioral psychotherapy in hope that I will change in this aspect.

      And I agree with that I quite dependent on validation from other people. This is also something I should work on.

      Thank you for your comment. It is helpful.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      • -
      • One aspect I didn't mention was the physical one: your body controls your mind, not the other way around. Imagine how a cup of coffee makes you feel, and stretch that over years: that's hormones. They control our very perceptions.

        I would recommend seeing a doctor and getting bloodwork done and your estrogen checked. Also, the pill and SSRIs (antidepressants) make a cocktail that's hell for the reasoning part of your brain.

        It's one of the reasons why married women with a lot of kids are more mentally stable than the cat lady types.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • You, dear girl, are listening to the wrong voices inside your head.

    Firstly, you are a serial monogamist. It is true that you will never be happy with one guy. But, it is very destructive to go back to a guy after you have cheated on him. Learn ethics of breaking up first before you follow your sexual whims.

    Secondly, somebody instilled values for a family while you were growing up. These are the wrong values for you, and if you ever have a family it will be doomed to misery. Many many people are happy with no kids and happy with a new mate every 5 years or so. They live with the adult realization and comfort that the values society places on them are not what will ever work in their lives.

    Good luck. You are a good person with great potential, but a traditional path for you thru life will be a train wreck.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • What did your boyfriend do when you told him you cheated?

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    • -
    • He was hurt. He took time to think if he want to try to restore our relationship or just go away, and decided to go with the first option. He did his best to achieve it.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
Add A Comment