What's love and who to be with: need help
My boyfriend is not really an emotional type to show much love. I am the opposite. We've been together for 4 years. In the first 2 years, I was just happy to have him. He has so many good qualities and our interests/views are so similar. I knew he loves me and I was fairly fine with giving more love than receiving. I lived 2 last years separately from him due to studies abroad and we became very distant. I frequently asked him if he loves/likes me, sought his attention but it did not help.
I fell in love with another guy (let's call him Andreas) after a year of living separately from my boyfriend. Andread was giving me so much care and attention. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but failed since
*he is a great person overall
*I thought I must stick to 1 person all my life
*that I would have calm life with him since he's not very emotional --> I felt so safe with him
*he would be a good father to my future kids
*I thought I still love him.
Nonetheless, my feelings toward Andreas were overwhelming and I made a huge mistake: I cheated to make myself to break up with my boyfriend. Alas, it did not help. When I told about everything to my boyfriend, I saw and knew he loves me a lot...
The guy I fell in love with, Andreas, sometimes reminded me of my ex-boyfriend who was very emotional and very abusive towards me. I would perceive any negative emotion from Andreas as being a sign of future problems for me - I know it is not normal, but I cannot get rid of this feeling without a prolong help of a psychotherapist. We would quarrel with him, mostly because I did not break up with my boyfriend. This all just scared me.
I pushed Andreas away so many times despite I greatly loved him. I decided to recover my relationship with my boyfriend and devote my life only to him. However, I still miss Andreas and this makes me very sad, even suicidal.
I get thoughts that maybe I am a polyamorous person and cannot be happy with anyone of these two. When I feel too bad, I think I should just try to get back with Andreas and that I can have a loving family with him one day.
It is hard for me to leave my boyfriend without being 100% sure I just care about him but don't love anymore. Is it normal? I feel insane. What should I do?