Was that a one night stand?

(Sorry for the multiple what ifs, it just made it kind of distant.)

What if you had a really bad day that left you angry, broken, suicidal and not wanting to go back home? What if you just planned to stay on the bench for the whole night? What if you wanted to harm yourself in any way and you didn't care what happened? What if a stranger saw you alone, caught on that feeling and came to talk to you? What if he asked you why you were alone and he asked if you knew that you were beautiful? What if you just talked for a while and you exchanged phone numbers? What if you just followed him? What if he embraced you later and you froze completely, you went hard as a rock and he sensed it and told you that he cared about you and that there was nothing to be afraid of? What if he then said that he would go home to take a bath and he stopped in front of his car and he said "we will go and we will come again" and you said no many times, that you would wait there for him? What if he then got angry and he pushed you a little torwards the door and you almost fell? What if you just did what he said? What if he kissed you in the car and laughed because you didn't kiss him back? What if you felt really sick and out of your body? What if you wanted to make yourself feel even worse, kind of like self destructing? What if you just followed him in his home? What if while you sat there, and he was coming close to you without wearing his shirt and his trousers, the room started spinning and you felt even more sick? What if he came and pulled your shirt, and you tried to keep it but he pulled harder? What if he asked you if you were having fun and you said no and you had a disgusted look on your face but he didn't care? What if you couldn't breathe, started shaking? What if he stopped when it got worse? Only to come back soon later? What if he covered your mouth when you screamed? What if he pinned your hands when you put them againt him? What if you thought you would die from the pressure in your chest? What if you asked him to please stop and he said he was going to finish soon and you had no idea what that meant and he kept going. What if after some time he asked you if you wanted him to "get it out" and you said yes and he did. What if he seemed angry? What if he panicked and asked you many times to give your phone to him and you just did eventually? What if he asked you to come to that bench the next day again and you said yes and as if he didn't believe you, he said that he would be waiting for you? What if you came home clutching your trouser all along? What if others on the road looked at you like you weren't a human being anymore? What if you weren't able to talk at all at home and couldn't sleep? What if you were in pain in a place that you didn't know could hurt? What if the next day you realized that he had deleted his number from your phone? What if you always feel like someone is touching you down there, even after a year? What if there is always something that reminds you and you want to harm yourself so that you can quieten your mind and punish yourself? What if you dread the summer coming? What if you really wanted to harm yourself, and you did?