Was it wrong to leave my mother?

So for about 5 years my mother has been extremely dirty. She is depressed because she has reached a certain age and feels like she has accomplished nothing. No significant other, no major career, and has financial problems. Every time I come to visit I feel helpless. If I’m stern, she gets defensive or cries. If I’m sympathetic I end up helping her clean up a little but when I return the mess is back. This time when I came back from uni I had-had enough. Everything was disgusting. There was no surface available for me even to prepare food. Dirty dishes over flowed everywhere. Maggots, dead roaches, even the showers made me feel gross. The next day I began to help clean and then I said “screw this” the fact that no matter what, I stay in this house gives her confirmation that she doesn’t have to change. I will be staying with friends for a few days but will return for Christmas. I’m hoping this is her wake up call. Should I have approached this differently? Was I wrong?

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Comments ( 6 )
  • RoseIsabella

    I don't think you were wrong. You can set a boundary. You could say something like, "I'm sorry that you are feeling bad, and I hope you get to feeling better Mom, but I cannot, and will not say in a filthy house, because it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I can't relax in a filthy house".

    Sorry for the run on sentence. You, of course, don't have to say what I wrote verbatim, but I just wanted to suggest that you say something that acknowledges that you care for her, and are aware of her struggles, but that you are going to take care of yourself.

    Is your mom seeking any treatment for her depression? I think your mother ought to look for a therapist, see her doctor to find out if she might need to on medication as well.

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    • Thanks for the advice. She doesn’t have enough money and I’m guessing not comprehensive health insurance to cover the costs.

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      • RoseIsabella

        I'm sorry to hear that. Is there a place near ya'll that offers psychiatric care for people on a sliding scale, or free for low income people?

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  • barefoot_on_the_sand

    Help her as much as you can. It's not her fault. Depression is a disease. Love can make her get better.

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  • sissycakes

    Maybe there is a way to fix the bug problem and make sure that everything is as sanitary as possible. People are not really responsible for bugs. Also treat your mom sweetly.

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  • Shiki

    Not one of you is wrong. Your mother is just psychologic ill and it is very hard to deal with such ill people and sure not easy. You don't need to visit her that much, but a bit wouldn't be a problem. Otherwise you also could fix her appearence bit and just go out instead? Try to convince her days before.

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