Trigger warning: sexual abuse

19 Comments

I don’t know where else to go. I’m scared to talk about this to my family, my girlfriend, anyone really. When I was very young I was molested by my older sister’s best friend. I had completely forgotten about it and realized around 8th grade that I had been abused. It seems so. Disgusting to think about. How someone could do this to me or anyone. I was just a little kid and I was so confused. He manipulated me. I’m so disgusted with myself too, at times I feel that it’s my fault. It’s so hard to even remember exactly what age I was. Maybe kindergarten or 1st grade? I try to piece my timeline together and make sense of what happened and what else I did. I kissed my best friend around the same age too. I’m trying to understand why I did that and why I seemed to be sexual at such a young age. I’ve been researching about sexual abuse and how it affects young kids, and it’s so hard. I try to make myself feel better and understand, it’s just all pathetic. I feel so fucking guilty about what happened to me and also why I kissed my best friend. If anyone reads this, I’m sorry. I really just needed to write this out. I’m out of highschool now, but I can’t seem to let this go or heal from it at all. If anyone else has been through sexual abuse as a child and has advice or anything, please talk to me. I cant seem to even think about this without crying for fear that I messed someone else’s life up or that I’ll never be able to overcome this.

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Comments ( 19 )
  • DIO
    4 years ago

    Hey man. I don't know a lot. But you see this? All this shit?
    It's not your fault.

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    • PowderRanger
      4 years ago

      ^^This is beyond accurate

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  • [Old Memory]
    4 years ago

    I understand this. It’s a horrendous thing to go through, and it haunts you for a very long time. And no matter how many times people tell you it isn’t your fault, it doesn’t matter until you believe it yourself. We have to believe and know that it wasn’t our fault.

    It makes relationships hard. Trying to determine if you should tell them. If you no longer have any connection to your sisters friend then you should tell your partner. Because the longer you wait the more you will doubt yourself and your relationship.

    But I would like to help you believe that the kiss to your friend was based in mimicry, innocence and awkwardness.

    Don’t let it plague your mind, because it will rot with you. I am 27, and I am happy. You will be happy too, I promise. And when these memories come around, because they will, do not bury them but instead understand them and take their power away.

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    • DIO
      4 years ago

      A really great advice.

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  • ellnell
    4 years ago

    I've never been sexually abused so I can't say I have any experience but I really think that you should seek professional help, preferably from someone who specializes in this field. And please know that it's not your fault and you have no reason to feel guilty. You need to talk to someone about this in order to work through it.

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  • Clunk42
    4 years ago

    What did your older sister's best friend do?

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    • Ellenna
      4 years ago

      If OP had wanted to tell us h/she would have done so. Why do you need to know that?

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      • Clunk42
        4 years ago

        Well, that's a simple enough question to answer. Perhaps OP didn't actually experience any real abuse, and is making a big deal about what is really a very small matter.

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        • Ellenna
          4 years ago

          And perhaps you are being intrusive and judgmental ... actually there's no perhaps about it. How dare you judge someone who's obviously found it difficult to come on to this site with this issue? Your attitude and the words you use are the reason it's so hard for victim/survivors to ask for help.

          Get back under your rock, you disgust me.

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          • Clunk42
            4 years ago

            If it's actual abuse it's actual abuse, but if it isn't, then what? If someone wants to be a wimp about one small thing that happened one time, then that's what they'll do. If someone has suffered from actual abuse, I do indeed feel bad for them, but if they're just being a wimp I have no sympathy.

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            • Ellenna
              4 years ago

              Why bring up wimps and one small thing when you don't know the facts? You are an idiot and part of the problem.

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  • Ellenna
    4 years ago

    I'd like to respond to something in your original post which I sort of overlooked until now. The fact that you kissed your best friend after the abuse may or may not have anything to do with the abuse, but one of the consequences of child sexual abuse is that kids become aware of sex at an age when they don't have the maturity to deal with it. This often leads to promiscuity in adolescence or earlier.

    Please don't worry about it, the important thing for you to do is to find the right therapist. Please don't put it off! I didn't remember my child sexual abuse until I was in my 30's and it had fucked up every relationship I'd been in and I didn't know why. It was a huge relief to acknowledge what had happened and find healing: not easy, but definitely worth it. The sooner you get help the sooner you will be able to move on.

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  • Ellenna
    4 years ago

    Please please PLEASE seek therapy from someone specialising in child sexual abuse! I didn't remember what had happened to me until I was in my late 30's and it had fucked up every relationship I'd been in and I didn't know why.

    You are not alone, this is all too common, also common to forget about it until it resurfaces, which I reckon is a sign you're ready to deal with it.

    And please please PLEASE stop blaming yourself!

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  • RoseIsabella
    4 years ago

    Have you ever sought out any kind of counseling for this? Did you ever tell your parents?

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  • ToTheMoon
    4 years ago

    There is a reason people like this get bashed to death in jail, its because they have no right to effect a young persons life like that. Shoot em all I say.

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    • DIO
      4 years ago

      Most of them are sick. They need medical help.

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