This is just to say

That David is unable to partake in Thanksgiving celebrations with family, due to making one too many comments about how his cousin's daughter is "filling out nicely." He previously had a reputation for drinking all the Michelob Ultras and showing up with a garbage bag that he would empty any unfinished food into before drunkenly speeding off without washing a single dish. Everyone dreads having him draw their name to be their secret Santa when Xmas rolls around because he'll just give them lottery tickets that he's already scratched. He's always screaming at his sister in law to make those chocolate oatmeal cookies, even though he's losing a foot. He hasn't got his dick wet since spilling a slushy on himself during the Clinton years and he WILL complain about it in the presence of his female relatives with an expectant look on his face. He will find flaws with any woman they try to set him up with, because he has a miserable obsession with the female cast members of "Friends" that gets in the way of him having meaningful relationships with anyone but his cats (who plan to eat him when he dies).