Parents are rats

Yes, if I imagine they are rats it makes sense. Scurrying around with no purpose, (sorry real rats I know you do things), but as fake rats with no ability to connect.

But I wanted to connect so bad. It took me so long to realize too that they were not going to come with me through my life. Instead they would be in supporting of all my decisions. They did not at all live up to values they taught me like honesty. They are not positive people even though they pretend. It is all smoke and mirrors and while it is nice to know they are what they are, I'm left alone. I don't trust them they always break it.

I'm not gonna feel guilty any more about going my own way. I'll learn to forgive and to forget.

It would have been nice to know how drastically my opinion of them needed to change when I was 10, developing my own autonomy was kryptonite to them.

They always say I'm "their son". Technically yes, but what does this mean? What are they implying? My life's purpose is not to be this. Nobody besides them and their friends see me as this.

And guess what when they " want to talk more" my dad only brags about his life, and then shows off anything he knows about things I talk about. Couldn't care less what I actually care about. And my mom will put on this creepy super happy borderline sexual voice like she is talking to a baby, and never get off the phone asking me questions trying to get me to show her my most vulnerable parts and feminize everything, always asking me to compare how things feel etc. Its very confusing and extremely uncomfortable.

And I don't care this is how they are, but they always want to talk and do more of this.

Oh, have I tried talking to them about this, only about 1,000 times.

Here is every single conversation, it begins with them saying "I wish you would just tell us what we do that bothers you" even though as I said I have hundreds of times.

So I tell them, and they "can't remember" doing this, or they say they don't do this, or they say that their sorry they made me feel a certain way, but not apologize for their behavior, or they start to talk about things that I do that bother them.

I'm saying or, or, or, but usually it is all four of these in the same conversation.

It then ends with my mom saying she will try to do better but can't promise anything, and my dad saying he's glad we were able to communicate.

And I feel like shit the rest of the day.

I'm so happy when I don't talk to them I've started just ignoring all their emails and it feels great.