Not to like socializing yet feel alone
So basically all my life I had this weird thing where I just didn't like to socialize yet I felt lonely. This has been happening for a long time but I feel like its getting worse.
1. When I was younger these kids during my childhood would always be outside hanging out, but I would be inside doing whatever. Even though I liked them and they would ask me to join them I just didn't want to. Sometimes I actually would be outside with them and actually have fun but then later I'll just not want to be there at all and just go inside and stay there. Idk why but even if I was to have a good time a sudden thought would come into my mind saying "I don't want to be here." But yet when I am not there and inside my home, I would feel alone.
2. Even when I got older if I saw someone I knew in public I'll avoid them. Even if it was a good friend or relative. I don't know why but I just didn't want to socialize with them.
3. My first year in college I made A LOT of friends but because of that, I felt like that was too much and I need to distance myself. I did but again felt alone. Even when other people obviously try to make friends with me. I purposely become distant even when they seem to be great people.
4. I do still have two friends from high school I keep in touch with, and I do love them but my trust in one of them is decreasing (for other reasons) while the other one I am talking too less and less because I just don't want to talk to them anymore.
I don't know why I am like this. But I do know that even when I avoid people and chose to stay away from them I also feel lonely. I want someone talk to and actually like being around them but I can't at the same time. My sister is the only one I am ok with being around and I like having her around. But sometimes she can be a major b*tch or just not want to be with me.
Idk whats wrong with me. I have always been a weirdo and I embraced it and loved it. But this is too much for me. I feel like this is gonna prevent me from being truly happy. What do you suggest? Is it normal to be like this?