Normal feelings? transgender? i don't know if i feel comfortable
For a very long time I have been at odds with how I identify, how I was born. I'm the odd one out of several boys. We grew up very close to each other, and with our mother. Inevitably I ended up a lot like them. We have similar likes and dislikes, I used to sometimes wear hand me downs from the oldest, I haven't once liked "girl toys" or "carried myself like a girl" like my recent baby cousins do--who my mom adores.
It used to be okay. I was just called a tomboy all the time. But when I got older my mother got less and less accepting of that, visibly having to only "tolerate" my preferences, wishing I were different. One of her favoured phrases to remind me of my place is "I didn't have three sons. Show me my daughter." I hate hearing that. I've never liked being a daughter. I never liked having to hear "but you having a baby would be different from your brothers having one" or "I hate it when you look like a boy." My health situation determines I don't menstruate much and it honestly feels wrong to have it, or having to induce it. In places I don't show my face, I present myself as androgynous, or a man, and it feels so nice. Occasionally I forget my name isn't the name I choose for myself in these places.
Even with all this, hating my chest, disliking even looking in mirrors to remember how I look, I don't feel wrong about my genitalia, even if I do find myself longing for an entirely different body, or part, and that people in public saw me differently. I'm fine with some people in those communities knowing my "real" name, and day to day I still use it, but there's a certain joy that comes with that name, that way I present myself.
My mother would almost certainly be upset that she might "lose her daughter", so I've never talked or had the chance to speak with someone IRL about these feelings. I've spoken to folks online who say I need to find out for myself if I "feel" transgender, they give youtube links and articles, but I honestly don't know... I don't give myself the right to say I am out of fear I'm wrong and will be hated for "lying."