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What are some of the lessons youve learned over the years from your romantic relationships? What mistakes have you learned from? Thank you!
Getting married to someone who's a dimwit with fundamental views of the world that are very different to your own is an extremely stupid move.
Good communication is vital, but that doesn't mean total honesty is always the best policy.
Disagreements shouldn't be left to fester, and a relationship will only survive if both people respect and care enough about each other to be willing to concede at least a bit in any disagreement.
Sex isn't the most important thing in life, but the intimacy and vulnerability of sex makes it an important part of couple-bonding. Dirty talking during sex can elevate perfectly acceptable sex to something much better. Great sex can do a lot to keep a mediocre relationship going, but it usually won't be enough to keep the train on the tracks for long.
The arrival of a child will drastically change a relationship (assuming the parents aren't so self-obsessed or wrapped up in each other that they actually give a shit about the child they've brought into the world), and nobody who isn't a parent can truly understand what that job is really like.
Don't expect them to change to what you think a partner should be.
Give what you want to the relationship don't expect the same in return. If the same degree of love and respect are returned be happy you are a lucky person, because we always feel we are giving more.
Don't trust anyone 100% except yourself. Trust your gut!
If you've got a cheater, you can't change them or prevent it. Only they can change themselves and only if they want to.
A person doesn't have to go out for a night, weekend or any length of time if they want to cheat a 15 minute break is long enough if they want to cheat they will.
It's okay to love somebody that doesn't love you back, but you don't own them and they don't own you. Move on consider the fact you will always care for them but find someone that you feel returns your love. It's out there.
I agree with all that.
On your first point, I think it's unfortunately the case that far too many women see men as a project. They'll think that love (or the mystical power of their hoo-ha) will transform a selfish, immature, abusive asshole into a halfway decent guy. Or, if they've found a guy who's already halfway decent, they're going to be able to get rid of all his annoying little imperfections and turn him into a Disneyesque Prince Charming so they can live happily ever after.
Likewise, guys should never imagine that they're going to be able to change a woman into something she just isn't. She is who she is, and you have the choice of either accepting that any habits or attitudes you find annoying are part of the whole package and learning to live with them, or you should move on.
Funny, some people don't even realize they're are trying to change the other. It's just the expectations or their concept of marriage.
Example: internally they think once we're married they won't need to go out to the clubs anymore or they won't need to flirt or hit on every guy or girl they meet. They just assume that will stop there will be no need.
People think the other spouse will care and be as interested in the raising of the children as they are. Or they have the same moral code that you do. For them seeing others on the side is only a problem if you do it, not them.
They don't go in it thinking I'll change that. They go in thinking that will change because it doesn't fit in their concept of marriage.
Your best option sometimes, as you said, is move on. My suggestion is do it sooner than later. If you have some hurdles in your first 2 or 3 years, that's almost expected. However if they are major or seem insurmountable, it's time to move on. Don't bring children into it thinking that will fix it, or invest 10 years waiting for the change to happen.
To always be realistic. Pick someone whom things can actually last with, not because they're exciting or interesting or has good potential. Lots of people have potential to be better but doesn't give a fuck about it. Pick someone who's already a good fit for what you need from a partner.
Timing does matter. It's bullshit that "if someone is right timing doesn't matter" and it's a toxic concept. Life gets in the way and so does things like mental health and even lack of experience. There's many stories of people who met when things were too messy in their respective lives, then met again years later at a better place and got married.
That you can't be afraid to give of yourself because that's what a relationship is. I've always been scared to share how I feel and being vunerable but it's something i'm making myself get past. It's not fair to expect vunerability and affection from someone else when being too scared to give it back.
Everyone has flaws and toxic traits. The only thing that matters is are they good people, do they always try their best and work on becoming better... Do they recognize when they've done something wrong and admit it...
In the end nothing is more important than communication though, and being willing to listen and understand. If you don't understand each other you can communicate however much you want to but nothing will change and you'll end up discussing the same shit over and over thinking you've solved something but you're not even close...