Is my boyfriend a jerk?

I'm currently feeling so lost and alone. I want to escape but I have nowhere to go. At the same time it's unimaginable to leave because we've had such a good time...

The situation is this ; boyfriend lost his job and likely he's gotten depressed.
This has caused him to withdraw a lot... We live together so it's obvious and he's also easier agitated with me than before. An example from today is that he seriously said that it was my fault he lost his cigarettes because he dropped them when he was driving me...
He was also rude to one of my dogs and yelled at him for wanting to play...
Some days ago he called me an idiot, he knows I can't stand insults like that.

We've e almost been together for five years. It's been shitty for a month on and off, what do I do? How long do I 'have to' endure this and what can I try before I have to give up?. I've tried to talk to him I have explained that this behavior isn't acceptable and that it will make me want to leave.
I tried to tell him that he has to take full responsibility for his emotions and that he cannot put his failures on me.

Voting Results
35% Normal
Based on 17 votes (6 yes)
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Comments ( 24 )
  • He shouldn’t ever take it out on you. If he can’t man up and deal with his own problems and feels the need to make you feel this way then I think you deserve better.

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    • I think I do too. And it's heartbreaking.

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      • Yeah it’s never easy but will be better sooner than later and better in the long run.

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  • RoseIsabella

    Dump him! Just cause he lost his job is not an excuse to treat you, and your dog poorly.

    Yes, I think your boyfriend is a jerk.

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    • It's starting to sound a lot like the only sane option left. Unless he shapes up...

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      • RoseIsabella

        Well, don't give him too much time, or too many chances. Right now it's just you, and your dog, but can you imagine what it would do like it you had kids added to the equation with this awful jerk?

        If a guy loses his shit everytime there's a crisis that's not a good guy to be with.

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        • It's me, my two dogs and my cat. I'm glad you mentioned children. I'm turning 28.he's 33 and... I cannot see him changing or turning into someone I want to raise kids with. This realization is really painful.
          I'm also worried his life will turn to utter shit if I leave. But again... This isn't my problem. I cannot be dragged down with him. Me and my animals have to come first.
          It's heartbreaking. We were together for nearly four years before moving in together. He said all this time he feared things would turn shitty if we moved in together and now we've barely lasted for a year after this.
          He's tried to send hearts and engage me in normal daily contact now that I'm at work but I ignored him until I reminded him to pay rent, then I stopped replying again. I need to let him know that this is serious. I'm considering calling one of our Hotlines for women who's victims of abusive men. I think it would do me good to hear what they have to say.

          This was someone whom I pictured a future with. But I just can't think of any legitimate reasons to stay... The list of the negative aspects are so much longer...

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          • RoseIsabella

            Yes, you sound like you know what's up, girl. You must always put yourself, and your pets first. His problems are not your fault, and it's never okay for him to abuse you, and or your pets.

            He's proven that he isn't husband, or father material so he's just a waste of your precious time. Guys like him aren't worth the trouble.

            If he's abusing you verbally there's a good chance that it will get worse. How long has he been acting abusive?

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            • He's been like this for years. Very quick to anger and lacks the understanding I need. Now I know I can't just hide behind my ADHD and autism and act however I want. But then he belittles me for being angry when I drop something (I go for a loud "Fuck!" directed at nothing and then I proceed with what I'm doing) or when he tells me how much he hates it when I shut down and act weird when the tension at home is too much and I explain that it's an autistic trait that I can't help. I'm not rude, I don't shout at him I just... Can't cope. I think I deserve basic understanding and respect from the one I'm with.

              I don't think he'd ever hit me. Then again I've always backed away when it's tense.

              I now know that seeing as he's always been super cute and affectionate the day after we've had an argument that's likely also a part of the abuse.

              I don't think he knows himself what he's doing and that it's as harmful as it is. Maybe that's why it's so difficult for me to cope with it.

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  • Tealights

    Have one final talk with him.

    I had a very similar situation happen to me months back, but I wont bore you with details, this is about you.

    I've noticed that our approach to solving problems (being calm, talking it out, love, affection) doesn't work on men that well. Most men aren't raised to properly deal with their emotions, they're raised to provide and solve linear problems with simple enough solutions. So something as complex as dealing with the emotions like guilt, failure, loss of pride, etc most men tend to lose their shit and fall into a deep depression. This is not an excuse for him. It's just the sad truth in many cases, especially with my man that I had to deal with.

    In my experience, I've learned that men respond better when presented with the harsh truth and direct language. You just have to let loose without belittling him. For example if you want to focus on the relationship you approach him like: "Jake, I'm so fucking tired of this. I am on your team, and will always be, but you can't be treating me, OF ALL PEOPLE, ME who is ready to stand by you, like complete shit because of one FIXABLE fuck up. If you're depressed, talk to me about it. I'm not going to call you a pussy, I'm not going to see you as weak or whatever shit you think. I'm here for the long run, are you?!" Like be angry as hell, be raw emotions. Throw questions at him that make him look within himself, and make sure he knows what he losing if he continues to be this way.

    If he gets angry, then calmly and angrily tell him, "If you continue to treat me like shit over losing your job, I will leave you. There is no turning back. You either talk to me and we can be a team about it and build a future together or you can throw me away." Be so serious about this too, don't pretend.

    You don't have to say all this word by word, but just giving you an example of the type of speech. Oddly enough I got results when I did this approach. I was ready to walk out on my boyfriend too, I was apartment hunting, I had a U-Haul ready; I had plans set if this final talk didn't work. Thankfully, he understood.

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    • Boojum

      I think that's sensible advice, but the only tweak I'd make to suggest you use the approach of: "I feel that...", "When you..., that makes me feel...", "I can..., but I simply cannot...", "What I need is...".

      You can't force the guy to change, and nor can you really know for sure what's going on in his head. Women are better than men at empathy and intuiting what others are thinking and feeling, but research has found that everyone is worse at this than we believe we are.

      The only thing any of us can be sure of is what we are feeling and thinking, and what we currently want. Let him know that without blaming him for your negative feelings. When it comes down to it, he's doing him, for better or worse, and women who believe they can change and improve their men are deluding themselves.

      Put the ball firmly in his court, and be prepared for the possibility that he might not be able to do anything with it. If he can't respond positively and you're very unhappy, then the only sensible choice is to decide to stop being miserable with him and go in search of a happier life.

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      • Tealights

        It's not about changing him. It's about including her. Men tend to exclude us women often either to shield us from stress or problems they think they can handle alone. We can't fix his depression, and it would be foolish/childish to do so. It's about him talking all his emotions out, and us as a couple working through it.

        Often times when men get upset, they become moody, withdrawn, etc when they normally aren't, especially if your spent years with the person in the same living space. All we serious girlfriends or caring wives want is to understand so we can provide any insight, support, or simply cry with you so you're not alone. When you guys shut us out even when were trying so hard really hurts us deeply and makes us feel pointless; as in if we, the closest person to you and mother of your children, cant be someone you trust enough to be your helping hand, then why am I even here? Sex?

        As for my advice to her, I discovered that while I was doing me when he was continuing to do him with all the withdrawing and such. I was tired of being nice, and approaching him with the "I feel...," because it didn't work. He'll acknowledge my words, but just wasnt getting it. It wasn't going through until I exploded. I didn't belittle him at all, but I was done being excluded, or being his girl and that it. He refused to make me his teammate. It's annoying because haven't I proven myself through the years that I can handle his weight or that we can support each other? Anyway, that's where my advice was coming from, my problems are all fixed, and we're better and more honest/open with each other. I was just hoping this could help the OP, but thanks for the comment.

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    • Thank you so much for this input! I however feel that even if I do manage to make him change this particular behavior there's still some concerning troubles left.
      He's addicted to weed, he can't clean up after himself and we don't have any interests in common. I feel that I'm too old to waste time in something that, now that I'm seeing things more clear, I don't think will last. Had it just been this described behavior it might have been different.

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      • Tealights

        Ah, addiction changes everything, and from recent post you've made to another user you've made it clear he has been verbally abusive for years.

        Yeah, it's time to go. No amount of talking will help him understand your feelings, and his weed addiction will make it hard for him to keep a job.

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      • RoseIsabella

        Yeah, he certainly sounds like a waste of time.

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  • WeirdManFromTheSouth

    Just ride the wave. Sometimes you have to give your partner some space. Sometimes my wife is being really pissy and I just try to not get on her nerves. This happens vice versa too. Just stay away from him abit until he's in a better mood. Hopefully he finds a new job soon and doesnt have as much stress.

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  • (s)aint

    I ended it. It was absolutely the right thing to do. But it's so very difficult to deal with this aftermath.

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  • PaulThePolarBear

    Guys suck I know from experience being one

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    • (s)aint

      No, humans suck. Men suck in one way, women Another

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    • I don't think all guys suck. But I've had such a shitty luck.

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    • WeirdFromTheSouth

      Not true

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