Is it normal that my husband took another woman to a concert?

32% Normal
13 Comments

My husband of 25 years had concert tix and his friends bailed on him. I was working late and couldn't go. I thought he went on his own, turns out he stopped at his fave bar and took the female bartender who is almost half his age. I've never met this girl, he didn't run it by me before hand (I never would have said yes). I found out the next morning when I asked if he found someone to go with. He is acting like I'm insane and this is perfectly normal so I'm asking...is this normal??????

Voting Results
32% Normal
Based on 22 votes (7 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • SkullsNRoses
    4 years ago

    The fact that he didn’t ask/tell you at the time suggests he knew you wouldn’t like it and disregarded your feelings.

    She was probably only going as it was a free concert for her though and probably isn’t interested in a guy twice her age. I know girls who work as bartenders and they literally just view male patrons as money sponges.

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  • farkelu
    4 years ago

    Find a good divorce lawyer. This is a common behavior pattern, and one that's not likely to change. He's getting to be of a "certain age" and the fact that you work nights while he's out flirting with women half his age implies that the romance has gone out of your relationship. I just hope you two don't have kids. It's always hardest on the kids.

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  • mia500
    4 years ago

    Ask him if he would be fine with you going out late night with another guy. Most men do things that they would lose their heads over if their women did it.

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  • SwickDinging
    4 years ago

    Oooh... Tricky one. Depends- is he friends with this girl already, or is he just a regular at the bar she works at? Do you know her? Do you think there's something going on between them?

    If they're established as friends then I don't see this as that bad, but if he's taken a random bartender then I would be fucking livid in your shoes.

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    • Goldendoodlegirl
      4 years ago

      He said they are friends, I have never met her, never heard him even mention her name. I'll ask who he hangs out with at the bar and he talks about people by name, but has never said they hang with the bartender after their shift. I have suspected him of cheating lately but he's always where he says he'll be (at this bar) and who he says he'll be with (the other people he mentions) now I'm wondering if something is happening there.

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      • SwickDinging
        4 years ago

        It could be nothing but I would be a bit suspicious of this too. Maybe go to the bar with him and meet this girl. It might put your mind at ease or confirm your suspicions. It might also be interesting to see how he reacts to you telling him you want to go to the bar this girl works at...

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  • SKDM007
    4 years ago

    well the concert isnt your type of music obvs so he asked someone else, hed rather be there with a friend who also enjoys the music than his wife who will prolly sit on her phone the whole way through

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    • Goldendoodlegirl
      4 years ago

      I was working late and couldn't go-I never said it wasn't my type of music. He didn't bother to tell me until about 10 minutes before he left for the show which makes me think it was pre-planned.

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  • einexile
    4 years ago

    Don't let the fact that he told you cause you to believe everything is on the level. It's likely he mentioned it because someone who knows you was at the show. I'm curious though why he didn't text you at some point, especially if they were spotted. The sensible thing to do would be mention what he had done and ask if you can meet them after work.

    Honestly I'm having trouble picturing the combination of early concert, horrible work-life balance, and no formal understanding of how to act if one of you stays out, comes in late, etc. How about filling in some detail?

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    • Goldendoodlegirl
      4 years ago

      No one who knew me was at the show, none of my friends would have liked the band-we live in a large city so not likely anyone we know would have been there. I think the early concert is odd. My work life balance is good, I just took a promotion and was finishing up my last days of my old job and didn't want to leave anyone with loose ends, by working late I was heading home about an hour later than normal that night. He didn't stay out late, I think he was home before midnight, I was heading to bed and was joking with him about going to the concert alone when he said he found someone to go with.

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      • einexile
        4 years ago

        I don't understand how you could possibly know that nobody else you know was at the concert. I can think of countless people who I have met, who know my wife's friends but have never met my wife.

        But you know your husband better than probably anyone, and if you're inclined to believe him your instincts are the way to go. If he was cheating there would be other signs and your alarms would be going off. So as long as you're comfortable he isn't cheating, no, there's nothing wrong with him having female friends and hanging out with them. It's understandable you would not have said yes, but no one wants a husband who does everything she says.

        Just the same, be seen at that bar once or twice.

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        • Goldendoodlegirl
          4 years ago

          I'm not inclined to believe him at all. I've had a weird feeling he has been cheating for a while but can't find anything to prove it.

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          • einexile
            4 years ago

            I'm sorry, that sucks. If he can't account for his time and you can't spy on him, you might try telling him "since you're spending time with strange women, I'm going to start spending time with strange men, don't worry I'll tell you about it after," and see how he likes that shit.

            But in truth you might as well assume he's cheating, since it's established that he isn't trustworthy. What to do with an untrustworthy spouse? First, ignore the people who say trust is fundamental to a good relationship. It isn't and they're fools. Just assume and accept that he is cheating and that he has gotten away with it. Your job now is to put a stop to that. Inform him that since he appears to be cheating, you don't care if he really is, you're going to treat him like a cheater and begin accounting for his time and monitoring his communications.

            Tell him he has a week to scrub any evidence of past wrongdoing, you don't care what it was, your focus now is to prevent future wrongdoing. And then you go into couples counseling. (Maybe the therapist will tell you I'm crazy and that without trust love is nothing and let's all get divorced and start over.) Again, don't bother accusing him of anything, focus on retooling his behavior so that it is 100% marriage and 0% unaccounted-for creep street weirdness.

            Obvious warning that this could backfire, but if the situation is an ongoing source of anxiety for you, this is one way to end that without blowing up your marriage.

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