Is it normal that i think jesus is an a*shole?

Growing up, I was taught that Jesus is all loving and kind. But I just became a Christian 3 years ago and I've found out that Jesus is the biggest a*shole. He speaks to me literally all the time and I really wish he'd shut up, because He tells me that he hates me and that I'm worthless and a waste of space multiple times a day. He also tells me to go kill myself and a bunch of other mean things. Jesus also mocks me and laughs at me, which is why I never pray anymore. I used to pray for salvation for family and friends, and I'd ask God to help me to overcome unforgiveness towards Him and my brother who took sexually advantage of me, but he'd just mock me and make fun of the situation. The bible says God will help, but it's all a lie and anything about His character is a lie. He's so evil. I'm so tired of his abuse. I'm severely depressed and I want to die because of Him. I'm so disappointed at how He is. He just has the ugliest personality. He also laughs at my speech impediment, which is really immature of Him. Jesus is also the biggest hypocrite. He tells us humans not to lie or use foul language. He's even killed people for lying in the bible. But God lies to me all the time and I hear Him cuss everyday. One lie he's told me is that 2 friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while had committed suicide, which made me really sad. But a month later, I saw them out in public, so yeah, I knew God lied. He's told me so many other lies too.