Is it normal that i'm not afraid to die anymore?

9 Comments

I'm just over 30. Still a virgin, been friend zoned or turned down by every single girl I've ever felt attraction to. I've never held a job I've truly enjoyed, never qualified for the ones I feel like I would. My mother is an extremely toxic influence in my life, she berates and devalues any idea or ambitions I've had. (School, getting a car, travel, ect)

I don't know how much I even mean to my family anymore. I was with my cousins a lot when they were growing up, now I see them maybe 3 or 4 times a year. We don't talk much, or even hang out.

My friends have all moved on, gotten married. Some even had kids. I see them rarely, and I know it's because they have their own lives and all and I respect that. But all too often, I'm left alone.

The last couple years now, my temper has gotten bad. I snap at anything, end up shaking afterward. I use some medication to calm me down, if i don't I have to leave that situation. (Work, the house, ect.) I'm afraid I will turn to violence someday and I won't even know it's happening until it's too late.

I'm certain I have Major Depressive disorder, but no one believes me. I've only told a few people I have it, and they say it'll pass or don't worry about it. I don't feel anything for women anymore, in fact I almost hate them after being alone for so long. I'm not even scared of dying anymore, I just know people would get over it fast. They've been detached from me long enough. I think the only thing I do fear is the pain of doing it.

I don't know what to do. I've lost all hope in my life. I've lost all confidence in myself and people around me don't want me anymore. Everything just feels, cold and dark. I just, I don't know.

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  • ArayaLioness
    8 years ago | pl

    I wouldn't berate you, but I think you do need to go to a therapist and work on yourself.

    Firstly, I would cut my mother out of my life if she was like that. So horrible and disgusting for a person who birthed who to treat you like shit. Pathetic.

    Secondly, I would always keep up hope. Without hope comes despair and depression. You seem to be in that now and you only have one more step to go which is death. Things CAN get better.

    Thirdly, get in touch with your friends. You can go out for drinks, see if they have any single friends that might be interested, and have a support group.

    It's not abnormal to not fear dying. I do think there is something abnormal about that feeling of despair/hopelessness. It's dangerous.

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    • Lastchild725
      8 years ago | pl

      I've sadly tried quite a few things you've suggested. I can't afford therapy where I live, and it's not covered under health insurance. My friends are too few, they don't have any single girl friends left, not even their wives have many.

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  • seekelp
    8 years ago | pl

    In certain cases (yours, for example) not being afraid of dying is a bad thing in that it indicates you don't value life at all.

    You're in a rut and that's not a great place to be. Try to change your situation by whatever means you have. If you can move somewhere else, do so. Start taking courses at a community college.

    Talk to a therapist, too, if at all possible. It's difficult to muster up the will to improve your life if you're in a tough spot. It sounds like the medication is only making your situation worse, but talk to a doctor about your specific issues.

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  • theseeker
    8 years ago | pl

    Sounds like it's time for you to make some changes, which you should've made already. You can't let negative thoughts consume you otherwise nothing will ever change. The reason you are where you are right now, you're afraid of taking a risk. The best place to start might be to start from scratch and give yourself a fresh start. Great success comes at a cost. It seems you are already paying that price, which means you're on the path. The rest is your task.

    Instead of waiting for a reason to change, you start living everyday like it's your last. You live this moment to its furthest capability. Whatever it is you're afraid of or whatever it is you wanna do, doing it is gonna be a hell of a lot better than killing yourself no matter how hard it is for you. Even if you have to go way outta your way to do it. It doesn't matter what the past is, what people think, or how many times you get rejected along the way. The way I look at it, as long as you know you're doing everything you possibly can, then you have nothing else to worry about.

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    • Lastchild725
      8 years ago | pl

      Your reply is kind, but I think you kind of lack insight into MDD. Depressed people like me, struggle making these changes and often need help and support to get things going before any confidence in ones self can return. The problem is people are distancing themselves from me. This is a big factor in why it's gotten so bad to begin with.

      I'm sure if I had your confidence or your friends/family I wouldn't be in the situation I am. It's not fair to ask you to resolve all my problems or give me the quick fix that'll make everything better. I guess posts like this just help me vent, and maybe find some advice that can help improve my situation. Even if only slightly.

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      • theseeker
        8 years ago | pl

        Your right, I'm not sure what would be considered MDD and I don't know what your depression is like because I'm not you. It's different for everyone.

        Looking at my own life, I'm sure I have some severe sort of social anxiety. Growing up I used to get panic attacks often. I've also had phases of depression including one I'm in right now. Believe it or not, I contemplated suicide at one point. I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I can read between the lines. Recently, I've noticed it has not only affected me emotionally, but physically as well, such as headaches/migraines, feeling tired all the time, and more. Similar to you, I don't really have friends left. My family isn't bad, but I feel distant for the fact I've had issues with them in the past. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be giving advice. The reason I'm responding to you right now is because I sympathize with you.

        I've found it within myself to start making changes within the last couple years. I moved away, found a job, and started going to school for IT, which I'm now close to finishing. At least that's my start. I'm not sure what your impression of me was, but not many things have been given to me. I have to find that within myself. Although, some experiences along the way have probably helped me with that. Making drastic changes is a struggle for anybody. You can get through the darkness, but the only thing that will set you free is living through the pain.

        I'm definitely not the most confident person, but right now I'm actually the most confident I've been in my life. However, I will agree confidence is something you may need to build up. When you're down in a hole so far, change may not be achievable overnight.

        I don't wanna sound like a dick, but I learned the longer you sit and feel sorry for yourself the worse it becomes because you have no hope. You don't have to accept my viewpoint at all and it's probably what you don't wanna hear, but unless you convince yourself of that mindset I don't think you will ever have the ability to change your life. It's just the blunt, dead honest truth.

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  • thegypsysailor
    8 years ago | pl

    I seriously doubt that you have a 'Major Depressive disorder'.
    Your life is just shit and nobody could be happy living as you describe.
    But there is a lot to look forward to, because frankly, I doubt things can get much worse. It doesn't sound as though there is one single thing holding you there in that life. What a wonderful opportunity to get out, go travel and be free of all the shit in your life.
    There are plenty of places where there are good paying jobs, interesting people and they are all far from your toxic mom.
    North Dakota is BOOMING right now and they need people to work the oil industry. The Alaska fishing and tourist industries are always looking for people, just to name a couple of places you could head for.
    Hit the road, Jack and go find a life you can enjoy and cherish. No need to fear death, but no need to welcome the damn bitch, either.

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  • Dazed_dreamer
    8 years ago | pl

    Therapy/Counselling?
    Maybe you should start fresh where there are positive people/environment that will help influence you to be an even better person.
    You may even find the one.
    Dude, dont even think about killing yourself otherwise you wont see me at your service. Jk.

    Stay positive&smile :)

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  • sky38203
    8 years ago | pl

    I feel the same sometimes, but i always wait a day before doing anything drastic and in the end i chicken out. Maybe moving is also a good idea ,make new friends, get a gf/bf...realize life can sometimes be alright. If after you have tried these, and still are depressed, see someone to talk to.

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