Is it normal for me to be so upset about my husbands smoking?

My husband and I have known each other since we were children. I came from a smoking background where as he didn't. Neither of us had ever smoked and I vowed to marry and live smoke free. We both agreed to no smoking in the house and that we would never smoke.

A few years ago, before we married, my husband got a job in which he had to travel a lot. He'd only be home in the weekends. He only worked it for 6-8 months. Somehow, someone got him hooked on going to hookah bars a few months after starting the job. He was so far into it that he brought one home and started smoking it in the house. I would find packets of tobacco all over the house along with pieces of burnt tin foil. He also got our nonsmoking roommate involved and he got his own for his room.

I was furious. Was so upset that I threatened to leave him after 6 years of relationship. As far as I know, he hasen't done it since and Disposed of his device for home use.

Three years later, he has been persuaded by his friends to pick up vaping. Dispite all arguements I've been given, I don't want him to do it. A friend or two visiting every now and then doing it was fine. But now my living room is constantly filled with multi scented pea soup, between him and all his vaping visitors.

On top of that, he will spend $50 at a time at a vape shop claiming he bought for his friends too and that they will pay is back. Mind you he doesn't have a job right now, and if the money is indeed being payed back, I never see it.

Note, his unemployment is previously agreed upon until I get my drivers license. Long story short, I've never had one.

I've told him from day one I didn't even want a vape device in his possession. He never truly smoked and therefore doesn't need to use it to stop. I was told to get over myself.

He said he only smoked nicotine free, however I've been told by the other vapers that that is not true. He says he's "working on" stopping, but he still sucks on the thing like fish need water. There are device pieces and liquid bottles scattered all over the house. I refuse to spend anytime in my living room because I don't want to gag on the fog.

I've done everything short of throwing his device out of a moving vehicle to stop him from starting an addiction and despite the fact that he claims he's not addicted I know he is. I just feel like I am loosing my husband to this. The only thing I can get him to agree to is that should we finally have a child he will stop. But I fear by the time that happens he will be to far addicted and I will not raise my baby in a smoking house. Does anyone have advice for me?

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Comments ( 6 )
  • I feel like you're on the right track by being more and more passive-aggresive towards his behavior, especially given the agreement you both made about this. Your husband seems to be unresponsive to your requests and maintain his habits despite the financial hardship or your disapproval. The situation is worsening so I find it reasonable for your reaction to worsen as well. Moreover, he's bringing vaping guests, knowing your lack of tolerance for it. I believe you're already making the right decisions and you respond appropriately. I understand this is hard for you, but if you don't continue in this manner, you won't get any changes. So keep getting distance as long as he keeps ignoring you. This will either end in a positive response from him and a stabilization for your marriage, or a complete separation if nothing works out. Both ways will offer you what you want, a smoking-free environment. If you give up, you will lose this. I also tend to believe that his promise of quitting is implausible, given the failure to keep his promise. Perhaps a bit of understanding from you might help before you make decisions, such as trying to help him in the process, get him to seek medical help or forgiving SOME of his failures to quit (not too many) ONLY if he really tries to, instead of just ignoring you. Maybe, if you're fine with that, you might agree with him to smoke only outside the house and avoid exposing the family to it at all costs, but that depends on you; I won't judge you even if you decline this kind of agreement as well, but it might be a way. I support you in this and wish you the best of luck.
    PS: This message doesn't come from a hypocrite who can't understand the habit. I am a smoker too, but I still support you, given the circumstances.

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  • RoseIsabella

    My main problem with all of this is the fact that he is unemployed, and wasting money!

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  • A bit of an update, after making a small passive aggressive remark last night, we had a not so friendly chat. He told me he never agreed to quit, but only to cut back. And that even when we have a child, he will likely still do it while away from the house.

    He also told me that he is clearly addicted because of the nicotine and he will deal with the addiction later. He also maintains that there are no negative health effects to vaping.

    If I want to bring this to an end immediately, I have to give up my latest hobby I've picked up, because vaping is something he enjoys. If I make him stop something he enjoys, I have to stop something I enjoy.

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  • nikkiclaire

    I think you need to stop worrying about other people and take control of your own life.

    If you don't like his behavior leave him.

    Don't try to change people, find someone you are happy with.

    He smoked before you got married and he still smokes. You are the one with the problem. Not him.

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  • rayb12

    What license?

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  • Ellenna

    You say he's not addicted to nicotine, but he's behaving like an addict: selfish, self-centred, inconsiderate, lots of promises that are never fulfilled, a regular new excuse or reason.

    Regarding the vaping, I'd be very concerned for more than one reason: first of all the outrageous expense and secondly the fact that the glycerine and glycol in the vapor have not been shown to be harmless and there's some indication they are harmful to others breathing them in and not just the vaper. In any event, vaping hasn't been around long enough to know what the longterm effects will be and very soon after it's introduction by small companies the big tobacco companies took over them all: they say it's harmless, but then they said that about cigarettes too.

    For me, his disrespect would be a HUGE red flag and I don't believe I could stay with someone who treated me the way he's treating you.

    As far as him giving up if you have childred: yeah right, has he kept even one promise so far? Get my point?

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