Is it messed up to like this?

Lots of people have sexual fantasies about things that would make them extremely uncomfortable or they'd even find seriously traumatic if they ever were to happen for real.

For example, credible surveys have found that around 40% of women regularly fantasise about being raped. The reasons why they find that scenario potent are complicated and vary between women, but one thing that's true for virtually all of them is that they don't go out seeking to put themselves in situations where they are likely to be raped or sexually assaulted by some stranger, and if that ever does happen to them, they don't find the experience enjoyable at all.

Only you can figure out why this particular fantasy pushes your buttons. Maybe it's linked to complex, confusing and forbidden feelings you had for one or more of the adult men in who were in your life when you were much younger; many people find the thought of violating taboos very arousing. Maybe it's about the appeal of reverting to a much younger age where you don't have to think about all the complicated stuff that you're starting to have to deal with as you approach adulthood. Maybe it's about wanting to be pampered and cared for as you were (or maybe weren't) when you were much younger, with the added spice of a sexual element.

Even if you can't figure out what it's all about, I don't think you should be ashamed or guilty about your fantasies. None of us are able to pick and choose the things that push our erotic buttons; all that stuff is either hardwired genetically or is formed by our experiences when we're very young.

We're all free to fantasise about whatever we want, no matter how weird or messed up others may think it is. As long as we keep that fantasy world firmly locked inside the privacy of our own brains and we don't allow the fantasies to spill out into the real world where they can have a negative impact on our own life or the lives of others, then it's all cool.

In your case, I think the biggest risk is that you'll happen to encounter an older guy who's capable of picking up on signals that you don't even know you're sending and who's enough of a psychopath to manipulate you into a real-world scenario that looks a lot like your fantasies. There's no shortage of older guys who have fantasies that mirror yours, and unfortunately there's also no shortage of psychopaths who know how to exploit and use people.

I do think you would be wise to spend some time thinking about what exactly it is about the scenario that you find so arousing. I also think you should be extremely wary when you're around older men you find attractive. Sometimes relationships between older men and much younger women work out very well, with both people getting exactly what they need, but very often the power-dynamic in such relationships is toxic and they are an emotional roller-coaster ride that crashes to a halt in a not very nice place.

Always remember that fantasy is one thing, and reality something very different. Sometimes enacting a fantasy turns out to be just as amazing as we hoped it would be, but when you enact a sexual fantasy involving another person, they aren't the same as the puppet-person we create in our heads to play a role. They're a real person who has their own needs and desires, and only rarely do those match up perfectly with what we'd like them to be.

I have no real idea what DDLG stands for. I do know however that when i was a teenager i was scared as all hell, there was no social media, no facebook, myspace and no internet. I was trying to come to grips with understanding myself. Here i was a 13 yo male realizing that i was a crossdresser. There was no way i would or could have talked to anyone about it. That was in 1973, and thankfully most attitudes have changed for the better towards the LGBT community.