Is it idenity crisis?

I once upon a time did just pick one. I chose to be more feminine, wore more women's clothing. I know that I identify as a male, that can't ever change. But the more masculine side always was clashing with the feminine side of myself, I was at war trying to decide what was more important to me. It was hard going through that battle and I felt it be hard to change. Until one day I scared myself when someone I knew told me maybe I should doll up completely, wear a dress and see how I feel in it all. My mind brought up the image of The Silence of the lambs, then it scared me, and suddenly I didn't want to act feminine or dress feminine. Got rid of my women's clothing, I changed. And after changing, I found out those really close to me didn't like me the way that I was. Which hurt me some, which made me feel like I should try even harder to not go back to the me I use to be. But over time I would slowly get back to my old ways, but only for a short while. I know I am a guy. But I feel good when I pose or even behave in a more feminine way. I made myself a prisoner, I use to be braver about it. And I am back to the battle of feeling like I have to choose. I either want to get thin so I can fit in more stylish clothing, or I want to build more muscle because of the love of strength. But I like both equally. The fashion means a lot, and I like to be and feel beautiful and sexy. While I also love strength because of the satisfying feeling of being able to lift heavy things. But that would mean giving up the options of clothing and feeling beautiful and feminine. Even though I am not completely both. I would just like to be able to choose one and be able to be both. Don't know why I restrict myself like feeling if I got big muscles on how being feminine here and there wouldn't work....