Is it bad manners when having dinner at a friend's place..

... to make repeated indirect comments about how untidy their home is in front of the other diners?

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  • That's very rude; almost as rude as criticising the food served and telling the cook how they could improve it.

    Whenever I've eaten in someone else's home, the only cleanliness I've been concerned about is that of the cutlery and crockery and the general state of their kitchen.

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    • This could just be my English upbringing, but even if the general state of the kitchen and crockery was substandard, I wouldn't dare say anything. I'd eat my disgusting health hazard, smile weakly, tell them it was lovely and then make my very polite excuses to get out.

      I can't imagine criticizing a host's home or food, even if the criticism is totally legitimate. It goes against my very nature.

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      • I wouldn't actually _say_ anything either. I'd find something to compliment them on and I'd thank them at the end, but I'd be wary of any food that wasn't served hot. That might involve some lying. Like, if salad was served, I might apologise for my allergy to lettuce which made it impossible for me to eat.

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  • Bad manners = Disrespectful


    Just is.

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  • Would it be bad manners if the host stuck you in the neck with a big meat fork after you made some of those comments? I don't think that it would be.

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  • Yes, it's bad manners, but it's also bad manners to not clean your home before you have guests as well.

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    • I had spent over 4 hours cleaning it that day. I live in an apartment that's 55 square feet of floor space inc. within that space, a bathroom too large for the apartment, a bed and a tiny kitchen counter with built-in electic cooking rings, a sink and a very small fridge freezer built in underneath - there's physically no space for an oven. No matter how you arrange the furniture, the bed is always pressed up against the dining table, which is also a work table, hobby table and living room table, and if you put one or 2 bags on the floor, you'll have to step over them if you want to get across the room.

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      • You make an excellent point there Ruth! There's no way for me to accurately judge the person OP went to visit for dinner, because I can't see how big the dwelling is, or how much stuff these people have. Also I probably need to take into account the mental, and physical health of the person OP went over to visit for dinner which I have no way of knowing. I think my initial comment would therefore have to be taken with a grain of salt, and possibly a salt shaker depending on a myriad of different factors.

        I also want to state that different people have different ideas about what constitutes a neat environment, especially now with a lot of people being interested in this new thing called minimalism. Neat, and clean are also not always the same thing. It's possible for a seemingly neat area to be less than clean, and it's also possible for an area to be clean, but just appear rather cluttered, because there's just not enough space to accommodate all the possessions stored therein.

        I think my above comment was a bit of a snap judgment perhaps, and there's also the issue of the one guest making the comments in the presence of the other guests. I also forgot to mention the fact that OP stated the comments were not only in the presence of other guests, but indirect as well which would cause me to wonder if OP, or the critical guest, was being passive aggressive, and also whether, or not that person might have a history of being passive aggressive.

        Yeah, the more I think about it my response to OP was probably not well thought out enough. Thanks for your response, and bringing this to my attention.

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        • Aww, well that second post certainly was well thought-out. <3
          Thank you for explaining.

          I am OP, and I was the host, and it was my apartment. The person in question had tried to undermine me before. She needs to be the 'alpha female' and the leader of the group all the time and this was the first time I'd plucked up the courage to take the reins and organise something myself for everyone. She kept trying to take control of my plans and either complicate or change them even as I was organising them.

          There is also something about us both liking a boy at church, who happened to be there at the party, when she's still in a relationship with someone she met on Tinder a year or so ago because she had gotten tired of waiting for 'Mr Right' to show up in the pews. Now the desirable Christian guy I've waited for is there and I'm still single and she's taken; she seems determined to have him and he seems to flirt with both of us...

          I'm tempted to let her have him because it's not worth the headache; the sabotaging won't stop even if he and I do end up together because this girl sees everything as a competition and refuses to 'lose', and if he's the type to flirt with 2 girls at once in front of each other, including one who is already in a relationship, is he really long-term steady material?

          Then again, it isn't often that an eligible bachelor turns up at church, and turns my head, and I'm not getting any younger...

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          • My intuition tells me this guy has you in mind as an alternate. Dating is a numbers game. Your frenemy, obviously insecure and flirting while attached, would look to be a good prospect for a fast one-night bang. He may be sensing sociopathic vibes from you. These vibes cool down the male libido very quickly. On the other hand, if his IQ is in the top 2%, flirting with you will become a exercise in self actualization for him. That would make him happy. Lol. Watch for this.

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          • From what you say about him, I think you might consider reviewing your definition of "eligible" bachelor. If you're absolutely certain you're reading his behaviour towards the two of you correctly - and he knows the other woman is in some sort of relationship - then is he really all that?

            If finding someone is getting close to the top of your list of priorities, then maybe you should also consider that your church is not the only place you can meet potential partners. (Assuming, of course, that you're not some sort of fanatic who believes that associating with someone who belongs to any other church will damn you for all eternity or something along those lines.)

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  • It was really bad of her.

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  • It’s bad manners to invite guests to an unclean home.

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  • Definietely. Why the need to comment on that, you don't know someones reasons for not having tidied up more.

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  • This sounds like more than a bit of a messy situation. Is it possible for you to have gatherings, and not invite this woman? Also if this guy is into both of ya'll then he's probably not good relationship material.

    Yeah, she definitely sounds like a mean girl, frenemy type.

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    • Thanks for the advice. We're a sort of church fellowship group, so if I excluded her it would be really obvious.

      The thing is, she's very emotionally perceptive and displays what looks like empathy. But she just needs to 'best' everyone at everything and 'win' at everything, seemingly at any cost, and at crucial moments it overrides any kindness she might have.

      I tell myself it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship, like she is with the guy she found on Tinder (what did she expect from Tinder anyway? Even from the outset I'd tried to warn her for her own good that Tinder types often don't often make good boyfriend material even if they aren't just after sex, but of course, she would only tut at me and imply that on the contrary I was foolish for not broadening my options.).

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