Is it normal to talk to your abuser

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64 Comments

So, this person I've been dating for a while is talking to someone that assaulted them a while back and did a bunch of other shitty stuff. She says it's strictly for educational reasons, but so many bad things have happened in the past and she's just giving him a second chance. I don't want to tell her who and who not to talk to, I've warned her that it might happen again, but I asked her to let me know if they become friends again because if they do I don't want to be associated with her anymore.

She sees me as controlling in this situation and how I feel about them talking, but I think it's justifiable that I don't want to be involved anymore if she's setting herself up to possibly be hurt again, because like I said the last time she gave him a second chance she did. But maybe I'm over reacting. Is it normal? Any advice?

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24% Normal
Based on 17 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 64 )
  • dimwitted
    4 years ago

    Choices. It's her choice to keep seeing a jackass and it's your choice to walk away.

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  • DIO
    4 years ago

    You're not overreacting. From what I can tell, you just seem to be a reliable and caring person.

    It's pretty common for victims of abuse to stay in contact with the perpetrator. Especially if they are in love with him/her.
    Add to this the guilt and the need to have the illusion to be able to change the past and you got this kind of situations.

    Unfortunately, there's not much things you can do except help her see the situation and the danger she is in.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Thank you! I really appreciate it :)

      And yes it is, I've actually been in a situation where I couldn't get over my abuser and it was absolutely awful.
      In this case, she says she never liked the guy and only thought of him as a friend in the past before he did any of the bad stuff.

      Yes... I've tried to remind her of the past. All I can do is wait and see what happens because I'm not sure I'll be able to change her mind.

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  • momwatcher69
    4 years ago

    I don't really care, if you're male / female, but you intentionally left THAT out of your posting.... WHY?

    You also didn't state your age(s).

    Anyway, my response would be to distance yourself, from the 'victim'. I cannot 'fathom' WHY a victim would VOLUNTARILY continue a "friendship" with their assaulter/abuser.

    This makes NO SENSE. Something (information) is missing, from your story.

    You also failed to mention if the perpetrator was ever arrested, charged, convicted? I'm assuming she (victim) didn't even report it? No Restraining Order, obviously.

    AGAIN: This makes NO SENSE. Something (information) is missing, from your story.

    P.S. I agree, with Rose (in most cases) that you should get away from this toxic relationship, for the reasons she mentioned. She usually has good advice !

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Personally, I didn't think that my gender was relevant to this post. I don't think it changes the situation.

      Early 20s

      I somewhat understand her side because it's a project that she was forced to be in with the person, but she claims there is no friendship at the moment. As I said, I wanted her to let me know if they are.

      I'm sorry, I felt I made my issue pretty clear. Not sure what else to clarify on.

      The perpetrator was never arrested or charged. She didn't want to go through the court process, which I totally understand because I know how terrible it is in personal experience. It's all very shitty.

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  • mauzi
    4 years ago

    Maybe shes afraid to stop? sometimes it's easier to keep an eye on them, than break away completely, especially if threats had been involved. friends close, enemies closer, and all that.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      That's a different and valid reason. I just feel like if she was worried to stop she would at least tell me. But that's a perspective I'll have to think more on.

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      • mauzi
        4 years ago

        She might be too embarrassed / ashamed to tell you

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  • Nikclaire
    4 years ago

    It's normal to seek information on your abusers but it's best to stay away from them.

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  • momwatcher69
    4 years ago

    NOPE

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  • CDmale4fem
    4 years ago

    For some reason I was feeling the O.P. is female. If that's the case, I would be worried for the both of you. A violent person usually is not going to change their ways unless there is something motivating him to change. Violence is violence, NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. If I was in your place, M or F, I would stay away from an as whole like the abuser. And she may be trying to help him justify his actions, stupid to do in my mind.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Yes haha, I am female. And that's what I was telling her as well... I have called him out on it before and he backed down for a little while. I'm not sure that's motivating him to change though. She's not trying to justify anything at the moment, and she's saying that she won't get to the point where she can let herself be hurt so I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.

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      • CDmale4fem
        4 years ago

        At this point I would say just be there for her if it when she needs you to be there for her.
        I do find it odd that the person that used to pretty much smack her around that she would even consider seeing him in the street. If I was female and seen my abuser on the street somewhere, I would really want to run over him with my truck and laugh all the way home. Good luck. Just let her know you are there and concerned about her.

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  • Clunk42
    4 years ago

    You are definitely overreacting. If they become friends again, you won't want to be with her anymore? Why? It should be a good thing if they become friends again. She should forgive them if she can, and you shouldn't try to stop her. What kind of stuff did this person do, if it's so bad you feel the need to stop her from talking to this person ever again?

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    • Ellenna
      4 years ago

      Why should she forgive her abuser? It's a myth that this is necessary for healing.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        4 years ago

        I 100% agree with this

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      • Clunk42
        4 years ago

        It is not necessary for healing. I agree with you there. I never said it was necessary for healing, nor did I mean to imply such a thing. I just believe forgiveness is a good thing which should be done.

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        • Ellenna
          4 years ago

          Thank you for that clarification. I was reacting to the all too common belief, often imposed on victim/survivors (including by counsellors) that forgiving an abuser is necessary for healing.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      He sexually assaulted her. Exposed pictures of her. Called her a slut, dyke, every name in the book. Harassed her. The list goes on. She used to cry countless nights to me about him, and the face that she can just forgive him again really unsettles me.

      I understand needing closure and wanting to talk to your abuser for that purpose, but being friends is not something that I want to be a part of. I understood when she gave him a second chance, but after he broke that trust the second time I worry heavily.

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      • Clunk42
        4 years ago

        Still, if one can forgive their abuser for their past transgressions and become friends with them again, then that is good. If you are serious about leaving her if she becoms friends with this person, then perhaps you don't truly love her.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          4 years ago

          People can't change that fast though. I forgot to mention but it happened like 2 months ago. I don't agree especially because they continually re-offend. I love her a lot, but if the cycle continues the I am out. I'm okay with them being civil, but being friends in the past clearly hasn't been a good move.

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          • RoseIsabella
            4 years ago

            I support you, OP!

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          • Clunk42
            4 years ago

            Some people may be able to change in two months. IF the cycle continues, I see it getting annoying, but unless it happens a few times, stay.

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        • BleedingPain
          4 years ago

          Idunno, if someone raped me, I dont think I could be friends with them again. They did it once, whats to stop them from doing it again?

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          • Clunk42
            4 years ago

            Nothing does. Like I said, it is a good way to be abused again, but if the abuser is truly sorry, they won't abuse again.

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        • RoseIsabella
          4 years ago

          No, I don't think there is ever any good reason for one to become friends with a person who has committed sexual assault against one's self. I think a person can for forgive another person for the purpose of the victim/survivor's serenity, and peace of mind, but I don't think that forgiveness need ever mean friendship, nor any sort of reconciliation.

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          • Clunk42
            4 years ago

            One doesn't need to become friends to forgive, but there is nothing wrong with becoming friends with one you've forgiven.

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            • RoseIsabella
              4 years ago

              ... and there's nothing wrong with choosing disconnect from toxic people and to keep those toxic people at a distance. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who sexually assaulted me, not for a million dollars... never! I think that I can forgive people who have done me wrong for the sake of my own serenity, and peace of mind without communicating with the person, and certainly without reconciling with the person.

              It's just plain foolhardy, and crazy to ever even entertain the idea of becoming friends with someone who has sexually assaulted one!

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  • momwatcher69
    4 years ago

    Usually, gender IS irrelevant... you're correct. In certain situations, it helps to know, because it DOES help "understand" a post/question better. It also helps us commenters, NOT to assume things.

    Men and women think differently, and knowing, up front, helps us (me) offer a more accurate answer, or advice.

    Knowing a poster's age, is also helpful, for the same reason(s).

    It lets me know the "dynamic" of the situation, and the "thought process" of the poster.

    The more facts, up front, the better..... just sayin'.

    Thanks for the reply.

    P.S. What did you mean by: "it's a project that she was forced to be in with the person" ?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Not sure I fully agree with your reasoning but I guess I understand.

      In her classes she was forced to sit next to him and they were told to work with the person next to them (meaning him).

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      • momwatcher69
        4 years ago

        Most women I know, would be terrified, to be ANYWHERE NEAR, their: rapist, assaulter, attacker, etc.

        I'm getting the uneasy feeling that you, or your "victim" friend, isn't being completely truthfull.

        1). She was assaulted, yet VOLUNTARILY stays in contact with him

        2). Didn't report the "crime", so the perpetrator can continue to victimize other women

        3). Hasn't gone to the teacher/professor, to be re-assigned, to a different class / time slot - avoiding this guy, during the "project"

        4). You said: "He sexually assaulted her. Exposed pictures of her. Called her a slut, dyke, every name in the book. Harassed her. The list goes on...."

        and: "I'm okay with them being civil"

        THEN, you said: " I understand needing closure and wanting to talk to your abuser for that purpose . . . "

        Are you kidding ?!

        The ONLY "closure" I've ever heard about, by TRUE victims, is when they stand before a judge, at sentencing (of the perpetrator), and give a Victim Impact Statement ..... and SEND THE FUCKER TO PRISON !!

        THAT IS CLOSURE !

        AGAIN: This makes NO SENSE. Something (information) is missing, from your story.

        I've gone from sympathy, to confusion, to bewilderment, to insulted.

        WTF is the REAL story here ?

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          4 years ago

          Those are all good points, although I highly understand not wanting to report it because I've been through the legal process with being abused by a perpetrator. It's fucking awful, long, and little to no communication about what is going on with your case. My perpetrator WASN'T EVEN GOING TO BE SENT TO JAIL until I actually went to court to fight it (which I could have lost, the court system is insanely fucked).

          I'm okay with them being civil, because what else are you supposed to do if there's no other option? Yes she hasn't tried switching classes, but if she's unable to then what else can you really do?

          I'm a true victim that has gone to court and has been able to read my victims impact statement in front of a judge. Although that gave me some closure, I still have so many questions and thoughts that spin around my head that I want to be answered. Even after going to court, I didn't fully receive the full closure I had hoped for.

          Victims react differently to every situation. It took me a very long time to finally view my perpetrator as a bad person, because I developed a weird twist on Stockholm syndrome, to where I viewed them as a great person who was only trying to protect me. It took me two years of therapy to cope with it and think rationally. Some victims absolutely hate their perpetrator, and some are terrified. Not all victims are the same. Especially with the long process of the legal system, it plays with your emotions in such a surreal way. Everyone takes it differently.

          What is missing from my story? I'm really not quite sure what else there is to explain. Do you have any further questions?

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          • Ellenna
            4 years ago

            If you needed two years of therapy maybe she does too? I also think her situation is probably triggering for you. I don't know what to suggest: I guess you have to decide how upsetting it is for you to have contact with her.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              4 years ago

              Yes you're right, I feel the situation is triggering for me. But it's definitely something I'll have to think on and see if it's worth it.

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