Is it normal to have panic attacks/anticipatory grief about family members dying?
Since I was in 2nd/3rd grade I've had panic attacks where I basically imagine/go through the physical experience of grief I'll feel when my mom dies. Usually at night, when I can't sleep. They were frequent back then but stopped when I started having mental health problems at 16. Now they're starting to happen again
When I have them they'll last for hours, always at night when I can't sleep, and it feels like a knot in my throat that turns into this searing pain in my heart, and then waves of pain through my entire body like I'm physically being tortured. I feel a very strong need to vomit. If I was standing I wouldn't be able to stay up.
I start to feel unreal in my own body but not really like dissociation. The idea of a world without a creator feels cruel & is too much for my body to handle, that death is permanent. It feels like parts are being ripped out of me. If everyone dies and we're all just an accident of space and optimal conditions for life then why live? Why anything?
(Yes I felt all this as an 8 year old lol. I thought it was normal because one time I saw a Facebook post that was like "do you ever lie in bed and randomly think a whole story about your parents dying and end up crying". And people joke about having identity crises ALL THE TIME so isn't that what this is?)
Please don't push religion as the answer to this question--I'm agnostic, I appreciate you, but have CPTSD from other things in childhood and literally just wanna know if this is a normal experience for most people or not