Is it normal to have anxiety over my mother's death?

My mother is a Gemini, maybe this doesn't necessarily imply anything but I've really tried my best to understand her and being a Gemini is one way to describe her.

If you don't know what a gemini is like, imagine the story about a man who constantly thinks about doing something whilst currently doing something else. He never gets to enjoy the moment because everytime he gets to do what he thought of doing, he's off thinking about what he'd do next, only to realize at his last breath that he didn't really get to live his life. Simply put, he cared more about the destination and not much about the journey. That's how I think my mother is like, not to mention a very practical individual.

Honestly when I was a kid, probably about 10 to 12 years old, I thought her life wasn't gonna last long because she always complained about her health, her heart and her high blood pressure. When I think about it now, I feel like commending her for staying alive now that I'm 25. She did quite a lot to help herself, even disobeying the doctor's prescription because to her the medicine would just lessen her lifespan and claimed that it literally added even more pain in her heart. So she resorted to herbal medicines and juices, and also controlled her diet.

So this was always her situation since I was a child, and I was always convinced by her then that I should be a good child because if I didn't, something bad might happen to her. I have an older sister and I swear back then it seemed like I was the older one, even a tough one at that. I scold her when she does something that upsets our mother because she (mother) might die, but my sister's really kinda stubborn and I don't think she cared at all if that happens, back when we were young. She was completely opposite to me and almost always argues with our mother. And though I did too, I always feel guilty and just shuts my mouth in arguments every time she resorts to talking about her death soon. So to calm the waves, I had to act as the obedient daughter because of course, mother might die with the added stress, and because my sister's too stubborn do her duty as the older of us. I didn't knew it then but it actually did some damage on me. It felt like I matured earlier than I ought to, because it's like I lived my life thinking anytime soon my mother would pass away and I developed anxiety over that. So to feel less guilty I might cause it, I had to do what she wills even if it's against my will, ie. Taking a course I don't really like because it's what she wanted and many minor stuffs that aren't really negligible as a whole. The thing that sucks though is that every time she asks me for a favor, actually up to now, I only hear her say, I don't/didn't help her at all, when I did too many stuffs for her that my sister didn't even dare do for her.

Actually as I've grown older, I've become more resentlful with how life works because it feels like I'm chained, still. No matter how near or far away I was with her. Of course I know worrying about someone you ought to love is normal but worrying about something that hasn't really happened yet and for quite a long time, no actually all of your life, I think that's not normal. In my personal life, I got into a situation where I tried/considered being friends with someone online because of the anxiety I have over the person's apparent suicidal tendency, although I don't like being in a situation like that. But being in that moment, it feels like there's something I can do to help, even if it's a little less comfortable. But the further it goes, the friendship, I would always end up feeling chained because something I would do to upset the person might cause his/her death. This situation happened to me twice, a male and female. At the end of the day, when you're out of the situation, the person doesn't really die but moves on with his/her life, maybe still having those suicidal thoughts that merely remain as thoughts, which is actually a good thing.

BUT, I honestly don't want to be in a situation or in any relationship where I feel like 'walking on thin wire and worrying that slipping might have a grave consequence', yet it seems like I'm drawn to these kinds of people... Is it normal at all to have anxiety over another person's death, stranger or not?

I still worry about my Mother's, although now it may be legitimate considering her age. XD

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Comments ( 1 )
  • kwikbix

    tldr but judging from the title sure why not

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