Is it normal to find it hard to let go of anxiety

I have had cognitive behavioural therapy once which did nothing for me. My "psychologist" was still in school and I liked her as a person but she was obviously clueless and one of her first assignments for me was to go outside and interrupt 2 strangers conversation which I refused to do. I have no idea why that would even be a good idea, it's against all social etiquette not to mention how pissed some would get by that which hardly is a reaction someone with social anxiety needs to recieve.
I was finished with cbt in january 2020 so I barely could make use for anything I learned anyways before we were all told to stop socializing....... so now my anxiety has worsened a lot since.
The lady who is going to give me CBT this time around actually seems to know what she's doing and start with reasonable assignments.
I do find it hard to let go of my anxiety though. Its gotten so bad but its also the only way I know myself. My anxiety manifests as both fear and anger. I feel a very strong sense of pure hatred when I arrive at the store or board the bus and there's a lot of people there. I just want something terrible to happen to everyone. But I walk into it while keeping my gaze down on my feet and trying to disappear into corners. It is very stressful and makes me very tired.
Sometimes I almost try to make it obvious that I am uncomfortable as part of my brain believes that if people can tell I am anxious as fuck then they will keep their distance and avoid looking at me, but I was told in therapy that actually if you look very obviously distressed then you attract more attention because people will look at you more than if you just blend in and seem relaxed. I guess that makes sense but its almost like I want my anxiety to show a little in order to punish everyone around me to make them feel uncomfortable too, like if I actually muster the courage to make eye contact with people it is only to give them the darkest most mean stare I have. I dont want to be that person but it is ingrained in me. It is a defensive mechanism from when I was a teenager and I cannot help that being exposed to a large number of people fills me with hate which causes me to want to make everyone feel miserable or uncomfortable. Part of me wont let me relax and feel happy around people even on the few days I have less anxiety, because all of a sudden that part of my brain takes over and tells me to be anxious and to display how much I hate everyone around me.
Like an intrusive feeling. I hope CBT can cure that.

Is It Normal?
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