Is it normal to feel guilty for not having feelings for someone?

So, a month ago I went through a traumatic breakup (I'm 29f and my ex is 43m). I didn't have a choice to stay away because my boyfriend shoved me into a wall. This was after months of too many arguments and him calling me names, invalidating my feelings and mental health issues, bleeding me dry for money to buy alcohol and he broke my phone. I felt like a lot of it was my fault after he pointed out what I did wrong (raising my voice, keeping conversations going longer than necessary) and I felt like a sh*t person. What's really sad is part of me didn't want to leave him but knew I had to stay away for my own safety and sanity. I messaged my friend who is also his ex (she had similar problems with him) to talk me out of going back.

My mom found out what happened because of some weird technical glitch where I got signed into Facebook on her phone. She told my dad, and he went down to my ex's workplace and told him to stop contacting me. The next day my parents gave my number to a guy we know (my mom works with him and my dad is friends with his dad). They've actually been wanting me to hook up with him before I was officially away from my ex. I started talking to the guy a little bit and gave him a chance at getting to know each other. We hung out once. I'm not quite feeling the spark though. Part of it is he blows up my phone with "what are you doing" texts, and I think part of it is the pressure from my parents to reach out to him and simply the fact that I met him at a horrible time In my life. Not throwing any shade at my parents, I love them with all my heart. I just can't be forced into anything when I'm still healing from what could be considered abuse, and getting over missing someone (no matter how bad things got I had good times with my ex). I feel bad for not feeling that "spark" tho, cause he's a good guy and I like him as a friend. And I've just recently found myself being interested in someone else but I'm still getting to know her (I'm bi) and even though she's really nice I know to take things slow after this sh*tshow I just went through. Is it normal to feel this way? Can anyone else relate? Sorry for lengthy post

Voting Results
78% Normal
Based on 9 votes (7 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • RoseIsabella

    I dunno, I just can't understand why you would have ever been attracted to an alcoholic loser who was 13 years older than you in the first place.

    I hope you get the help you need, and I wish you all the best for your recovery.

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    • He was really sweet in the beginning, and I didn't know he was an alcoholic...thank you though :)

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      • RoseIsabella

        You're very welcome, OP! What have you done to take care of yourself, and help yourself heal, dear heart?

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  • I've had a similar situation with a guy friend of mine who's luckily moved on now and has a girlfriend. I would keep getting pressured to date him too but there was no spark and he's probably one of the people i've been least attracted to in my life so far. I especially felt bad because my mom would always try to make me date him and he had feelings for me so I gave it a chance but like I couldn't stand to even pretend to be into him that way. I think it's normal to sometimes feel you "should" have feelings for someone just because they're a nice person but it's not possible. There's so many other parts that need to align and a lot of love and attraction happens automatically on its own and is hard to force unless you make a choice to be with someone for other reasons besides love and attraction.

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  • SkullsNRoses

    You have nothing to feel bad for, you gave him a chance and you weren’t attracted to him, it happens all the time and nobody has done anything wrong here. You don’t need to come up with a shopping list of justifications, “I see him as a friend” is enough.

    I get the impression you fear “letting you parents down” after they supported you through an awful period but just as you don’t owe the guy romantic love you don’t owe your parents a relationship with him either. They clearly love you and will want what’s best for you whoever that’s with.

    I wish you the best with your recovery.

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