Is it normal to constantly feel like your coworkers don’t like you?

I keep feeling this at almost every job I’ve been at the past few years. Maybe I didn’t care in the past or I didn’t notice, I don’t know.

What happens is I will start a job. I initially try to like the people or possibly do like them. Then it becomes this thing where I start not liking some of them because of how they treat me (they are rude to me, that seems normal) but also that they actually don’t like me either because they don’t go out of their way to get to know me, show an interest in my life, etc.

It’s really noticeable when it’s a tight crew working together. And what happens, like at my current job - is there is maybe 2-3 people that I do talk to that it feels okay and normal. They talk to me, and vice versa and it’s mostly two way. Then there is everyone else. I work with a bunch of girls in the front of house at a restaurant and it’s just like this complete avoid-me game it seems. They are all cliquey with each other, talk to each other and having fun when I’m over here by myself and I only talk to the guys.

Mind you, I’m gay I have ALWAYS felt comfortable talking to girls and vice versa! I just don’t understand it and it’s frustrating and makes me so unhappy to work alongside people who make me feel left out, ignored and like a nobody. Worse, is when I actually try to show an interest in them, either it doesn’t last or it seems like I’m faking it (like I don’t actually care).
Worse yet is I am starting to think I wear a mask on around these people. I almost snapped at some of the girls last night because I was trying to do something and they wouldn’t show me the respect to move out the way.
When my manager asked what’s wrong I just said nothing.

This isn’t working, this isn’t good for me. I do believe there is a chance it’s just not a good fit and these aren’t my people, despite not minding talking to some of the guys.

I am normally a nice guy who goes out of his way for others. I try to be friendly and show an active interest in peoples lives. But it’s like once I sense they aren’t into me this wall goes up too.

It’s a shame because this isn’t normally how I am at jobs I’ve worked. I normally like talking to everyone, and yea there’s always a few jerks or assholes I have to deal with. But this is making me not enjoy working or dread coming to my job or wanting to quit.

Is It Normal?
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Comments ( 8 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • Yeah some people dont want to make friends at work they're there strictly for the paycheck and go home

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    • I guess that can make sense. Which is not what I’m showing up for, I’m there to make friends and be friendly and connect and have a second family so to speak. They’re all friendly with each other and have hung out some outside work. So that leaves me to believe it’s just me. I’m not their kind, vice versa, etc.

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  • I'm two different people, I have a work personality and a home or away from work personality. Seldom do the two meet or friends cross over.

    That's partially because I've normally been in position of leadership and decision maker. I personally don't think it's right or it can give the wrong perception if I go out golfing or socializing with my boss or subordinates.

    I like to meet my friends from other areas of my life. Too many times when friends are from your work environment, off time turns in to work time or shop talk.

    That's probably one reason I dislike the current movement of what you say or do away from work can affect your job. Unless it's illegal, you're in a company uniform, or you state something to the effect that your representing the company. Your views and action should not necessarily be held against you.

    I've seen a lot of social media posts and remarks get people fired or in trouble.
    It's like getting drunk at the company Christmas party, not a lot of fun and hard to be yourself if you have to second guess everything you say or do.

    Just better for me to never mix the two.

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  • I think I’m making things about me.

    Looking at a situation, then forming a belief it has something to do with me somehow; how they’re acting or behaving or treating me or just the way it is.

    Like if you’re black and looking at a situation that you believe isn’t benefiting you and saying or thinking it’s because I’m black isn’t it?

    I think that’s what I’m doing in my own way but how do I stop? How do I get back to normal me? I didn’t use to think or look at situations like this years ago. If I had I might have felt worse then; but I had coworkers at jobs in the past that I didn’t think anything of; they were just there, just like me.

    I really do wonder if my thinking is skewed.
    Any thoughts?

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  • I think there will always be some people who get along better than others, some you just dont connect with, some that just dont want to connect with anyone, just do their job. But they shouldn't be outright rude and disrespectful. It sounds bad that they are actively avoiding you, especially when they also form cliques with other coworkers. Seems you are being treated unfairly. There is probably some reason people dont like you (may not be a big obvious thing), but I dont know what. At the minimum make sure your hygiene is good

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    • Ironically the day I just worked I was concerned I smelled because I didn’t have a chance to shower that day and it had been a few days. I won’t say that was it, though. I’ve seen them cluster amongst themselves often enough. Even if I try to go by them and join in a conversation it just always feels like I’m trying or efforting or I don’t fit in. Unless there’s something being talked about where we all really relate I guess.

      They are all younger, early 20s, and I’m in my late 30s. Sometimes I think it’s an age thing. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me at all, especially if I am just doing my job. But it’s nice and fun to be joking along with someone else or have a good convo with your coworkers.

      I definitely feel like I’m not being myself at all times there. I’ve caught myself acting like my manager, and I think I do it because something about her makes me uncomfortable and since I can’t figure out how to respond I just act like her because this is a job, that I need and want to be part of, at least initially.

      It’s so hard to be yourself and not wear a mask while keeping a job and keeping things professional and respectful. I’m not a horrible person, I think this is more about hiding my feelings, acting like they don’t bother or hurt me when in fact it does.

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    • what I'm realizing is that there is definitely a clique going on at work and it's something I'm not used to. Most of my jobs working in the service industry, I felt on the same page as everyone else, or there was always people I could lean in to or side with, etc. Right now there are times I'm feeling excluded, not part of things, I have to be nosey to find out workplace information (like, why did so and so call off? turns out they have covid! something like that should be told to me, even if in the grapevine vs directly a manager)
      There's times when the other girls aren't communicating or respecting me properly. And so that just builds up this sense that they don't like me and I don't like them, which makes me apprehensive to talk. And if it's truly a clique then maybe that's exactly their intent, they don't want to get to know me or have me in their group.

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      • I literally had this happen at a job once years ago, as a barista and it was a small crew. One minute I felt I was part of things, involved, and on the same page, the next minute I felt like I was out of the loop, I wasn't being told things or I had to find things outs, when I confronted people about things they dodged the truth, etc.

        This is not fun. It makes me paranoid. It makes me freak out because it's at work and work is money and also a livelihood and a sense of purpose and there is so much anxiety and uncertainty in trying to find a new job and think it's going to happen again, or worse that the problem is actually me somehow.

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