Is it normal to be okay with who you are if who you are is a terrible person?
I thought I was just introverted for a while... or perhaps an outgoing introvert because I can be social when I need to. As I looked deeper I've realized I'm probably something a bit more extreme. Apparently I'm a Covert narcissist. It makes sense for a lot of reasons and I'd thought I might be for years because of how much I focus on myself and how I view the world. It never fit because I have way to much self criticism to be a typical narcissist. The cover label totally breaks that last barrier. Part of me wants to just say it's a bullshit self diagnosis but part of me feels like I've known for years. I've done therapy and I've always felt like I may have been gaming the therapists a bit.... not because I was trying to but just because they always tell me what I want to hear. I enjoy talking about myself to them. I am what I used to refer to as highly defensively manipulative. I have billions of conversations in my head constantly with people... role playing them out and selecting specific things to do or say... even imply. I've known it's crazy but I thought I was just neurotic and too inward thinking. I definately had an inferiority complex which I feel is gone but... perhaps it's buried. Anyway, the craziest thing is its kind of a relief.... kind of great to know I'm not a good person. I've often talked myself into caring during the few times I've done bad things, worked myself up and beat myslef up so that I'd feel the appropriate negative emotions. I did it so much that I wondered if I was just convincing myself of shit so people would assume I'd punished myself enough and not criticize me further. My best friend is emotionally abusive to the girls hes with and is clearly a narrcicist.... like everyone knows it, for the longest time it was weird to me that we were friends and that i felt so similar to him when people always thiught of me as thoughtful and caring but i see why i felt similar now.
Guess I just want to know if it's normal to feel calm when you finally understand yourself... even if yourself is really really fucked up.