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Because I think that someone who's dependent on me might be less likely to leave me?
I dunno, maybe it's messed up or wrong, but it is what it is.
People divorce all the time. I don't want to be a divorcee. I fear abandonment so much. :(
Have to be honest here..I dated, for several months, a beautiful, gorgeous woman who had boatloads of medical issues, over 30 surgeries, a cane and/or walker, and internal stuff going on. And, was such a flirt with other men that the thought of being with her "because nobody else wants her", or "she's not healthy enough to get anyone else" never crossed my mind. I knew guys went to her, and, instead of seeing her as "broken", would just make the adjustments, like I did, to have sex with her.
Just because a women is disabled or physically damaged in some way doesn't mean they can't or won't go elsewhere. In this age of the 'net, people meet and date all the time, and, if she's disabled, she has all the time in the world to be online and getting attention.
It's tricky because "disability" is a broad concept that can encompass just about anything. I think there's a psychological aspect to being dependent on someone -- and emotional dependence can follow financial, social or medical dependence. This contributes to attachment and closeness, encouraging time spent together, while discouraging relationship dissolution.
As for the woman you dated, I'm afraid it has more to do with the type of disability than its severity. Say, you're with a deaf person, and you learned sign language; they can't just strike a casual conversation with some stranger in the waiting room, and anyone else who wanted to be with them would have to spend time and energy to learn sign language themselves, if they were willing to. If you're with someone who needs your physical assistance to get out of the house, you know they won't be going out whenever they like without your knowledge. Sometimes the barriers are not physical but mental, e.g. selective mutism.
That's one difference. The woman I dated, and still, now, see once in a while, although her body is physically a mess, and she's disabled, is a very proud, tough-girl, very independent even though physically dependent often. If I had a dollar for every time she told me "I can do it", no matter what it was, I'd pay off my house.
She doesn't like being dependent, however, has help from family and a visiting nurse, as well as me at a moment's notice. The fact she's still an amazing beauty, without really trying, is testament to her, and, I guess, good genes. She can be a huge flirt, maybe it affirms that she hasn't lost it, but I know some guys would take advantage and hurt her. She really can't defend herself.
For me, she's one of those people who you..Just can't shake. Not that I want to. But I do know her physical condition very well.
That makes me think that it has more to do with a person's unique personality than anything. But personality is something so elusive, ambiguous, fluid, changeable, and hard to measure. It's much easier to pin-point a disability.
If you check the statistics, there are many variables that correlate with divorce rates. I find it interesting that the divorce rates of marriage counselors and therapists are not atypical, but higher than those of engineers, for example. That, I suspect, underlines the importance of external factors.
Don't bother too much about yourself...what if you don't like him r her after sometime. Think before you do.
That's not my fear. I want something that lasts forever.
Not liking someone after some time can only happen either if you didn't know them well enough when you liked them OR if one or both of you change. But if we did everything together anyway, I don't see how they could have a chance to change in a way that I would dislike. And also, if someone changes once, they can probably change back. You should just never be quick to give up but always be ready to work hard on your relationship.
You can never know everything about a person, and people are always capable of change. In fact, people always WILL change. You will change every day, and so will your partner. There's no reason to assume you will both change in the same way just because you're spending so much time together, nor can you just assume they can or will change back.
Is something that lasts forever more important than your and their happiness? Because there's no guarantee you'll both be happy just because they're so dependent on you they can't leave...and even if you do continue to like them, if they don't like you anymore but are stuck because they depend on you, is that really a situation you want? I think, deep down, the answer to that has to be no.
I'm truly sorry that you have such a fear of abandonment...that's awful. But the solution is to deal with that fear, not find somebody who can't abandon you.
When I get really attached to someone, then every day I'm visited by anxieties, that the person might leave, that they favor others over me (e.g., their parents), that they don't really love me, that they're not as committed as I am, etc. These anxieties cause a lot of problems. They may hurt the relationship and my loved ones, cause 90% of the arguments. They incapacitate me in other areas of life as well (e.g., finding it hard to focus on work, neglecting other relationships, losing appetite, staying up till the morning because you're afraid of not knowing what the person is doing while you're asleep).
If I was free from these anxieties, I could work to let the relationship reach its full potential. I do think that knowing that the person wouldn't leave (either because they didn't want to or because they COULDN'T) would calm me somewhat.
I wish I had the permanence. It's not fair that people think that if you disown your son, then it's just a formality and really he's still your son, but if you divorce your spouse, then yeah, they're not your spouse anymore.
All of that being said, I'm inclined to concede that I agree with you. Thanks.
(P.S. Honestly, I don't understand the "change" thing. Good people don't become bad unless they're wronged. Some things just don't change; there's a core that makes you you. There's a lot of change I can tolerate. If you take two things of a kind that are already similar and you put them under the same conditions, in the same environment, then naturally any changes they might undergo would be similar, especially when the subjects have good communication, to notice and regulate changes.)
There's no guarantee any relationship will last for ever and your motives for wanting to be with a disabled person are very creepy
There's no guarantee in life for ANYTHING. All that's within your power is to try to increase the likelihood of certain things, while trying to decrease the risk of some other things.
Ugh, yeah, it sounds messed up, but what can I say? I don't think there's anything inherently immoral in it.
Have you experienced being abandoned before? You seem to have an unhealthy fear of it? Having companionship doesn't magically make life better.
Unless it actually causes any distress to the person or those around them, which it admittedly does to me. First you blamed the relationship, then the personality. It's not the relationship's fault that I have issues.
My aunt was disabled and she dropped my uncle for a new guy simply because of this. She took all his money and possessions. You have no chance to find love in this way.
Yeah, I know I've got issues, but some people insist on pathologizing relationships just because it's not the type of relationship that THEY would like.
My mother in law is with a crippled dude and number 1 trait about him she talks about is how hell never leave her because he can't do better.