Is it normal i feel like i have to be courageous for everybody else?

I’m currently living with an incurable wasting disease and my health is deteriorating very quickly. I’m 25 and a female, and I’ve been given a few months tops, which I’ll be spending bedridden for the remainder of the time I have here.

Because my friends and family are so heartbroken for what’s to come, I find myself trying to be as positive as I can and trying to show how I am “accepting it” in a bright manner.

The truth? I’m fucking terrified. The sobbing when I’m alone never stops. Swallowing on my own is almost impossible now. Everything fucking hurts. I’m scared every second of every day. I’m too afraid of falling asleep at night so I stay up until I can’t anymore.

I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to die.

I can’t even talk about my fears because I know the people I love are already so upset. I have to spend the rest of my time lying and being fake when all I want to do is sob and scream for someone to please save me.

Is It Normal?
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 4 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • I've always maintained that if ever I was to become deathly ill I would not put on a brave face for the sake of everyone else around me.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
      -
    • To be honest if I was diagnosed with some incurable disease that would slowly make me bedridden and kill me without any chance of recovery, I'd do the right thing and as I start getting weaker, I'll get to my garage. Start up my old 635CSI BMW and my E420 CDI Mercedes, close the garage door behind me, drink a bottle of whiskey, get in the Mercedes and play Nightwish's Meadows of heaven as I peacefully pass away in my car from monoxide poisoning thinking of the people I love, hoping they remember the healthy me.

      You see, you die once. But with an incurable disease that slowly kills you, you die everyday... And your family and loved ones cry every day for God knows how long... I would never put my family through such torture. Get it over with quickly and let them mourn for a while and then carry on with life. Just because I'm gone it shouldn't mean the world is gone...

      Comment Hidden ( show )
  • If you need to talk to someone about it and to have emotional support, please contact me. I mean it.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • You are plenty courageous already (doesn't matter if you cry or not).

    Comment Hidden ( show )
Add A Comment