Is it normal for my mom to ignore me?

I know there's tons of other significant problems in the world, and I'm going to do my best to not sound super bratty about this subject. For my 18th birthday, I got a nose piercing because the place I got it done at does super good deals for birthdays. I told my mom about the piercing with another person in the room cause I knew she wouldn't be super happy by it, but she laughed and said okay. So I get the piercing, and I loved it!

Afterwards, a friend and I were going to a family birthday dinner for me and my mom ignored me the entire time. She couldn't even make eye contact with me. I tried my best to start a conversation but I got nothing. Even my friend said the entire encounter was awkward. She ignored me the rest of the night. Three days pass and she still hasn't talked to me.

She then knocked on my door and wanted to talk to me. She said that it wasn't her fault that she ignored me and it was my fault for getting the piercing and that she views people with piercings as bad people. I told her that this metal ring in my face wasn't going to make a difference of the person I am and that me having the piercing didn't make me a bad person. I told her that I was upset that she ignored me during my birthday and she turned it all back on me saying again, that it was my fault.

Maybe I'm just ignorant to the situation and don't see the situation from my mom's eyes. I truly don't think this piercing has anything to do with my personality.

Voting Results
50% Normal
Based on 8 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 4 )
  • litelander8

    Unfortunately, it is normal. Just be respectful and have a clear piercing in for those people. 🤘🏾

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  • Boojum

    For the sake of the following scenario, I'll assume you're white and straight:

    Say you brought a black boyfriend home to introduce him to your parents, and your mother reacted very badly to him solely because of his skin colour. Would that be your fault for not picking a boyfriend who was white, or her fault for being racist?

    Speaking as a parent, I think your mother's behaviour is unreasonable since her reaction is based on stereotypes and baseless prejudice rather than anything rational. As far as I'm concerned, a pierced nostril is only one tiny step up from a pierced earlobe. It's not like you decided to get a swastika tattooed on your forehead.

    I suspect that at least part of what might be going on with your mother is cognitive dissonance: she has always believed that anyone with piercings - other than women with pierced earlobes - is a ghastly person, but now someone she knows (and presumably loves) has a pierced nose. So someone she knows isn't a horrible person is now displaying something she's always read as a sign of a horrible person. I can see how that might make her feel very uncomfortable, but the problem is in her head, not your nostril.

    Personally, I don't find multiple body piercings and extensive tattoos attractive, and the message they give me about the person is not positive. When I see someone with them, what I see is someone who's either desperate for the attention of strangers which suggests they're probably pretty insecure, or someone who's probably pretty hard to get along with because they feel the need to constantly rebel and be different. Even so, it's not like I spit on people with loads of piercings or even facial tattoos; I accept that they have the right to do whatever the hell they want with their body, and since I recognise that my immediate reaction is based on prejudging them, I do my best to treat them just the same as anyone else.

    If my daughter should decide once she's 18 that she wants tattoos or piercings, I'm sure I won't be upset about that. If she asked my opinion beforehand, I would question her about why she was doing it. In particular, I'd ask if it was only because she felt she needed to do it in order to fit in with the group she happened to be hanging with at that point. If that was the case, I'd try to get her to think about the possible long-term consequences in the wider world.

    Some parents have huge problems allowing their children to grow up and it can be challenging for them to accept that their adult children have the right to do things which they believe are mistakes. Since your mother has reacted disproportionately to you getting your nose pierced, I think you should be prepared for her to totally freak out once you start making decisions that she really disagrees with.

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    • I probably should have included this in the post, but my mom is usually (I think) pretty accepting of things? I am lesbian and have come out to her and she reacted super well to it. When I was younger she'd always let me dye my hair whatever crazy color I wanted and it was no problem.

      But yes, I think the whole stereotyping this is really abnormal. I think your pre-judgement of people with multiple body piercings and tattoos is valid because although people don't like to admit it, it happens no matter what and we all create pre-judgements based on appearance. I think she is having a difficult time knowing that I have more independence so I will now know to be better prepared in the future. Thank you so much for your insight.

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      • Boojum

        Being a parent is weird; it's something we only truly understand once we become one.

        It's great that your mother is generally so accepting of the person you are and your fashion choices, but I wouldn't be surprised if the nose piercing pushes buttons she isn't able to identify herself. Maybe it genuinely is the case that some unremembered, unpleasant experience in the distant past led her to feel that people with piercings are all horrible, or perhaps what's really going on is connected to the symbolism of you getting the piercing on your eighteenth birthday.

        Every time she looks at you, the piercing reminds her that you're becoming an adult, and that could trigger conflicted feelings. She could be thinking that she should be happy that you're growing up and becoming an independent adult, but no matter how old you are, in some part of her mind you'll always be her little girl. So there's possibly an internal conflict between how she thinks she should respond to you growing up and what she truly feels about losing you in some senses. If some part of her recognises that she's being irrational about how your relationship is moving on to the next natural phase for a parent and child, she could just be using her opinions about piercings to justify her feelings to herself and you.

        The Kubler-Ross model of grieving - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - might be applicable in a low-key way. That process isn't only gone through when someone we care for dies; we often go through the same stages in varying degrees of intensity when we lose anything we value, and the piercing is a sign that she's losing her little girl.

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