Is it normal feeling depressed about recently hitting 30?

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I’m a dude and I recently hit 30. For some reason, I’m feeling a bit depressed about it.

It doesn’t make much sense why I would feel depressed about it. The years of slogging through university are in the past and life is better than it has ever been before with a decent job and far better economy than I had as a student.

But why am I feeling depressed? Perhaps it just feels like time is passing fast? Or perhaps I subconsciously feel the pressure to settle?

How did you feel when you hit 30? If you haven’t yet, then how do you think that you would feel?

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Based on 23 votes (15 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • olderdude-xx
    2 years ago

    Most people do not hit their economic and mental peak until their 40's or 50's.

    There's a reason why so many millionaires or successful chains are started by people in that age range (and Colonel Sanders was in his 60's when he started KFC)

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  • S0UNDS_WEIRD
    2 years ago

    It's just because it's a benchmark.

    I have to math nerd out a bit. We use base-10, meaning 10 symbols for numbers and when we run out we add a digit and start over.

    Imagine we used base-12 (a system nearly all mathematicians feel would have been vastly superior). The symbols could have been as follows:

    0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B

    We don't usually see A and B but one of the symbols doesn't show up on some phones so I'll use them.

    A would be what we think of as 10.

    B would be what we think of as 11.

    In base-12 what we think of as 12 would be written as 10, because the first digit's place now represents blocks of what we think of as 12 instead of what we think of as 10 and there's no need to add another digit until then. Therefore what we think of as 24 would be be written as 20 and what we think of as 36 would be written as 30.

    In that world, people wouldn't feel quite like a bonafide adult like they do at 20 until 24. They would then go all the way to 36 before they freaked out about having spent the first "decade" (12-year block rather in this case) of their adult life.

    It's a cultural thing. It's literally all about the first digit changing. It's borderline arbitrary and demonstrably silly. There's nothing that makes 30 much different from 29 or 31. It's just a number.

    The truth is that you're still very early in your life. Relax.

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    • JellyBeanBandit
      2 years ago

      Yeah I've often wondered how we'd think about ages if we had always used a base 12 system rather than base 10.

      For example our number system has the teen numbers from 13-19 because we call 11 and 12 "Eleven" and "Twelve", rather than "Oneteen" and "Twoteen". And the reason 11 and 12 have their own unique names (unlike the rest of the teen numbers) is because we presumably used to have a base 12 system millenia ago, before abandoning it (though those unique names survived). But what if we hadn't abandoned it? Then all of ages 12-24 (in our base 10) would be considered the teen numbers (10-20 in their base 12). Hence we'd view those ages as the rebellious teen years, rather than the ages 13-19 in our Base 10. And then perhaps we'd separate them into two halves to categorise them better? (or into thirds or quarters since the base 12 system would allow that).

      Anyway the point is it's funny how we categorise our entire lives to fit a number system that is completely arbitrary (we could've just as easily adopted the base 8, 12 or 16) and this affects not only our own entire outlook on life, but that of all society.

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      • S0UNDS_WEIRD
        2 years ago

        I'm not entirely sure it was actually used and abandoned but all the Germanic languages, including English, definitely came up with words that meant "ten and one left over" and "ten and two left over" for _some_ reason. That said, base-12 is used in some languages even today.

        I actually independently came up with the idea for a duodecimal system when I was bored as a kid. I was fascinated by the fact that 12 had 6 factors, a whopping half of its overall value! That was so crazy to me and then it hit me. My reasoning was that at the expense of learning a mere two extra characters, even average people who were used to the system, even if not big on mathematics, would be able to easily mentally divide benchmark quantities into halves, thirds, quarters, and sixths instead of just halves! I mean basically anyone knows half of 40 is 20 borderline instantaneously. A duodecimal would allow average people (raised on the system) to be able to do so much more with ease when dealing with benchmark numbers. I also love, love, loved that it eliminated so many non-terminating decimals (well, duodecimals), rendering fractional computation so much simpler, whereas in base-10 we encounter the problem almost immediately; 1/3 is 0.3 with a repeating 3! A fucking third. ASAP. That's really messy stuff.

        Later in life I discovered this was a thing and that virtually all mathematicians felt this way as 12 is a relatively low "superior highly composite number". It seems the only reason people so often gravitated towards 10 was ease of teaching people to count on their fingers.

        But people could almost as easily learn to count using their thumb to touch each of the 12 phalanges (finger joints) of their standard fingers and with just one hand at that.

        And yes it's of course fascinating pondering the other ways in which it would have affected society. I think it cleans things up a lot regarding the mentalies of the first three blocks of life for sure, but that fixating on life in blocks is a silly idea either way.

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        • JellyBeanBandit
          2 years ago

          Yeah I haven't really researched it much tbh, but I'm sure I've heard before that it was at least a theory that there was an ancient base 12. It does seem like an obvious explanation for the names of 11 and 12, but then I guess that's not good enough evidence.

          Wow that's impressive that you figured out the duodecimal system and its benefits when you were a kid, I only read about it much later. It is so fundamental a subject, to think about different ways to count, that most people wouldn't even consider there could be any better way to count than our base 10, hence the obscurity of the vastly superior duodecimal system (this is also probably why the Roman numerals stuck around so long, no one questioned them).

          Yeah it would make maths so much easier alright. I did actually realise myself that thing about the third's infinitely repeating 3, without just reading it. Like, a quarter in the base 10 is bad, but it's not completely awful. Yeah a quarter of ten isn't a whole number (2.5), but at least a quarter of 100 and of 1,000 is (25 and 250). But no matter what power of 10 you use, a third of it will never be a whole number because of the infinitely repeating 3.

          One everyday real-life example where this really sucks is for anniversaries. The important anniversaries are usually fractions of 100 or 1,000 years. A half of 100 years and 1,000 years is 50 and 500, so the 50th and 500th anniversaries are a big deal. A quarter of 100/1,000 is 25/250, so the 25th and 250th anniversaries are important too. But we skipped the third, which by rights should be a much bigger deal than the quarter anniversary. But because of our sucky base 10, we can't have the big third anniversary because it would never equal a whole number of years. It'd be the 33.333...th or 333.333...th anniversary! Lol, it is a bit nerdy alright to get worked up over it, but I do love thinking about things like this, it is indeed fascinating.

          Yeah I think learning this could really help people demystify the importance they place on certain numbers. Some people really do let them control their lives. I mean obviously there's a difference between things like young and middle-aged, but you really can't put any specific number on it.

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  • Boojum
    2 years ago

    Curious what you mean by "the pressure to settle".

    Settle in the sense that you have enough maturity now to realise that it's highly unlikely that you're ever going to achieve the astonishing things you thought were possible when you were sixteen, so you have to buckle down and figure out a way to pay your way in the world?

    Settle in the sense that you've gained enough experience with women to suspect that Miss Perfect isn't actually out there somewhere waiting for you to find her, and no serious relationship is ever wonderful all the time, so you need to settle for something less than perfect and figure out how to make it work?

    Or just settle in the sense that you feel you're supposed to be starting a family now because that's what your family want you to do, and you feel under some social pressure because most of your age-cohort has headed down that path?

    In any case, looking back from more than 30 years past where you are now, I think thirty can be a pretty damn good age. But it's the normal way of things that you'll most likely only realise decades down the line that there's a lot of truth in the old adage that youth is wasted on the young.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      With settlement, I meant in terms of family as I see most of my friends settling down. 😉

      I barely had any dreams of a bright future during my early teens. Back then, I saw myself as a loser who would probably end up on state support.

      Now, half a life later I have a decent job with a decent salary, even though it may not be the most exciting job on earth, it’s far beyond what I though I was capable of.

      I didn’t focus on relationships at all during my time in university as I was studying abroad. I started dating at the age of 24 after returning home from abroad.

      I met a nice girl when I was 25 and she was officially my girlfriend half a year later at 26. We had a good relationship until I was 29.

      There was this midsummer night when I wasn’t there for her, as I was sent on a business trip for 2 weeks (life sometimes sucks in consultancy). During that midsummer night, she went to a public gathering to celebrate without me and there she met a rich company owner in his late 50’s, so I got dumped in favor of him awhile later (sucks, but I probably dodged a bullet).

      I felt that I needed a break to get over her, then suddenly covid broke out and I started working remotely, in isolation. Maybe I’m just using covid as an excuse, but that in combination with being discouraged after getting dumped lead to where I am today.

      I know that I have many good years ahead of me, but at the same time there is this bitter feeling of nostalgia after reaching 30.

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      • Boojum
        2 years ago

        The pandemic and social isolation has seriously screwed with a lot of people's heads in all sorts of ways. It sounds like you might be at least borderline depressed, and that's pretty damn common at the moment.

        That story about your girlfriend.. Ouch.

        Obviously, I have no idea of what was going on between you and her, but it seems to me that for most people, relationships in the twenties are best considered learning experiences. Yeah, sometimes the freaking stars align or some such shit and people meet someone's who's an ideal match in every possible way when they're in their twenties, and they have a bloody fantastic life together until they both croak within days of each other when they're ninety or something, but that's very rare. Most people are still trying to figure out themselves and life in general in their twenties (although a lot of people are deluded enough to believe they've got it all sorted out by the time they're legally an adult).

        Making a serious relationship work in a way that's positive and life-enhancing for both people requires a certain skill-set that you only gain from experience, as well as a degree of emotionally maturity and stability that a lot of people just don't gain until they're past their twenties.

        I know it's difficult for you to be objective about this, but why are you shocked that your first serious relationship _only_ lasted three years? That's a lot longer than many do, particularly in the phase of life you're in. I completely understand the feeling of failure, but do you intend to crawl off into a cave somewhere to die the first time one of your consultancy clients decides they no longer require your services? From what you say, you clearly don't have vast experience in romantic/sexual relationships, so why should it surprise you that you got your first serious one wrong?

        I suggest you do some serious thinking about that relationship, take whatever lessons you can from it and resolve not to make the same mistakes again. And, yeah, she dumped you for some rich guy, so maybe she's shallow and materialistic and you did indeed dodge a bullet. But it sounds like your early life wasn't exactly fantastic, so you might consider if there could be some self-esteem issues lurking way down in your brain. Maybe I'm completely wrong about that possibly being relevant, but feelings of unworthiness are toxic to relationships. Whatever's the case on that point, you're only human, so the odds are that there are things you could have done better in the relationship. Maybe all the blame for the relationship ending is indeed on her shoulders. That does happen. But often both parties bear some responsibility, even if it is in only deciding to get involved with someone for entirely the wrong reasons, and sticking with them out of inertia and fear that nobody else could possibly love you.

        As for your friends all latching on to someone else and starting families, why should you give a shit about that? They have their lives to live, and you have yours. You're a man, so you shouldn't have any problems having children when you're in your forties if that's what you decide you really want. And, speaking as a guy who became a father a couple of decades later than what's generally considered the norm, I have to say that I came to that job much better equipped to do it well than I would have been in my twenties or thirties.

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      • RoseIsabella
        2 years ago

        Try to think of things as you dodged a bullet, honey. She sounds like a shallow, superficial golddigger type. You're better off without her triflin ass.

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  • SwickDinging
    2 years ago

    A lot of my friends met their current spouse in their 40s. Some of them even had kids in their 40s. (I'm not saying you need to get married or have kids in order to have achieved something, but you mentioned the pressure to settle)

    30 is nothing. You're still young. You have probably got another 50 or 60 years ahead of you. Be kind to yourself and enjoy life.

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  • bbrown95
    2 years ago

    I'm not 30 yet, but had sort of a silly "quarter life crisis" last year when I turned 25. Like you, I wasn't really sure what it was about since I had been so excited to get past my teens and early 20's and start doing more "adult" things like buying a home and such. I think it definitely has to do with the fact that time passes so quickly it's scary, and only seems to be passing by faster as we get older, and if the past 25-30 years has gone by this fast, how fast will the next 25-30 years go by? I've always been a person who is kind of freaked out by the uncertainty of the future (and am not wild about change), which causes me to feel a bit freaked out about it as well.

    For me, I had all of these thoughts of "Have I experienced enough by this age? Did I waste a good portion of my youth away?", which gave me those weird feelings about turning 25 as well. Perhaps that may be what is going on with you as well?

    I also worried about the pressure to start "settling down" (even though I'm not a wild person by any means, and as far as relationships go, I am happy being single) since I was never a very adventurous person to begin with and I began wondering if I wasted several years of opportunities to get to experience things and have fun with friends before I was expected to become a "boring" adult. My peers all getting married and starting families freaked me out since it doesn't seem right that we're at that age yet.

    I definitely think that especially in the age of social media, a lot of people tend to wonder if they've done enough in their lives or are where they're supposed to be because they feel as if they may be behind most other people their age or compare their lives to theirs. When talking to my parents about how I don't really know exactly what I want out of life yet and feel as if most people my age have that all neatly planned out, they told me that nearly everyone feels they don't have their "shit together" in some way or another. Of course, we only see what others want us to see of their lives, while we know all of the details of our own.

    The thought that I'm now closer to 30 than 20 is definitely a little weird to me, especially with the fact that time has passed so quickly, like you said. It seems like I was a teenager with adulthood seeming so distant just yesterday. I have a feeling it will all be fine and all work out though, and that young adulthood (to me, 20's and 30's) can be a very confusing time, and that's normal.

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  • SkullsNRoses
    2 years ago

    Maybe this guy can sing your feelings:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G_0xp1h2PkQ

    The way I see it every year I turn older is another year I survived. I’m 24 and there used to be a bench I would pass dedicated to someone born in the same year as me, a reminder not to take my life for granted. Getting older is a privilege and complaining about living as long as you have really is a first world problem. Be grateful for your life.

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  • donteatstuffoffthesidewalk
    2 years ago

    i broke up with a chick on my 30th birthday

    it sucked at the time but lookin back it was a fine gift

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  • BlackPeople
    2 years ago

    As a black man trying to make it in this world, I wish I were 30 again, young man.

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  • DADNSCAL
    2 years ago

    I had a very similar experience at 29. Chasing skirt and sleeping around got old, so I just married one. It hasn’t been all roses but I’d rather be married. I got 2 nice kids and 3 grandkids who’re planning a “surprise” Father’s Day dinner for me. Give it up, Settle down.

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  • MonteMetcalfe
    2 years ago

    You don't have a great deal of choice in the matter.

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  • sweetone89
    2 years ago

    On my 30th birthday, I was laying in bed screaming in pain with a headache for most of the day and taking OTC pain meds. It sucked. I was healing from a concussion.

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  • Tinybird
    2 years ago

    I felt that way when I hit 20.

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    • S0UNDS_WEIRD
      2 years ago

      I felt this way when I bit 10. Not a joke. Now I think it's all silly though.

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  • 1WeirdGuy
    2 years ago

    It hit me around 26. I accepted it by 28. It sucks getting older.

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  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    I am where you are, I think. At our stage of development, I think we're made to want to find a partner.

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