I need help about a family issue

I'm 33 now. Up until a few years ago, I used to put my all into my very dysfunctional family. I used to be a severe people pleaser, giving out expensive gifts, always trying to get people together, and connecting with my family. One psychologist said I had poor personal boundaries and by, God, that is true. Especially with my mother.

I've focused on myself mostly these past few years and basically told a few members of my family what I really thought and I don't care about pleasing anyone, any more.

But, now I hate myself and all those wasted years when I tried to get my family back together. I hate how I was a people pleaser. I feel like never doing anything nice for anyone again.

How it is affecting me now: I am hypervigilant in my relationships to make sure I'm not being used. And I may come off as severely selfish. How do I know if a relationship is healthy when all my family were toxic and emotionally abusive towards me?

Is It Normal?
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  • It's kind of a "you'll know it when you see it" situation. When you have a relationship that's healthy, you'll recognize it. You'll be able to see pretty immediately how different it is from the toxic, manipulative relationship you had with your family

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