I miss the people i've alienated. iin?

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Sometimes we're just 'too much' for the people we want to love the most.

Our best efforts to keep our emotions to non-annoying or non-disturbing levels weren't enough.

The whole time we were around them we were so anxious about how we came across and whether they would abandon us, that they sensed our anxiety and got uneasy with it before we even had a chance to come across as anything in particular.

They smelled the 'fake' on us because we were trying so very hard not to be our real selves, because we knew they couldn't handle our real selves.

It doesn't matter how we try to explain ourselves. The more we try to make them understand, the less they actually want to. The cat's out the bag and the mask is off. They've seen what we really are now and there's no going back.

To some people, we are simply gross. Too bad they're often the people we've wanted to be the closest to. People we've been limerent over.

I know that the tendency to be like this is born of loneliness and unhealed wounds from the past. How do I know that the friends I have now won't all abandon or leave me too?

The thing that would be the most satisfying is not having answers to these questions, but knowing that I'm not the only one in this boat, understanding what the boat even is, and knowing if there's any way out of it.

Does anyone else get this?

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Comments ( 3 )
  • Yaidin
    1 year ago

    God, I hate people like you. I had this friend who abused drugs and tried to push everyone and everything away. He basically wanted to ruin his life. I tried to help him and try understanding him, but he'd always make an excuse as to why he can't text or call. Then a week later he would always whine on how bad everything is going for him. How he feels so lonely.

    I've been semi-regularly texting for him for like 1.5 years until I gave up. He was always happy when we actually managed to plan something together, but couldn't be assed to answer half the time. But boohoo, he was trying so hard! Out of the 18 hours he kept us staying high, he couldn't spare 5 minutes to at least let me know he was even alive.

    No idea how people like him will end up. I doubt anyone knows how he is doing as of now.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      1 year ago

      Except that I didn't push my favourite people away or ignore them - I chased them and was constantly waiting on *their* texts...?

      My heartache was/is over the people who pushed me away.

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  • ospry
    1 year ago

    Due to mental health reasons as well as life in general, I spent the last 3-4 years slowly isolating myself and pushing people out of my life because I figured that was better than waiting until I did something that caused my friends to push ME out instead. I've been dying for social interaction ever since then but I had no idea how to be social. I'd lost the skill of introducing myself to people

    It's been a long few years but on Sunday I met someone who understands and relates. We hung out yesterday. It was my first time hanging out with someone who wasn't an immediate family member in over a year

    Whether you want to get those people back or if you want to start fresh and meet new people, put yourself in situations where you're likely to encounter new friends and be willing to step out of your comfort zone if/when someone approaches you. That's what I did. It took a long time but it was worth waiting and it was discouraging, but it eventually happened. Something similar can most likely happen for you

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