I miss the people i've alienated. iin?
Sometimes we're just 'too much' for the people we want to love the most.
Our best efforts to keep our emotions to non-annoying or non-disturbing levels weren't enough.
The whole time we were around them we were so anxious about how we came across and whether they would abandon us, that they sensed our anxiety and got uneasy with it before we even had a chance to come across as anything in particular.
They smelled the 'fake' on us because we were trying so very hard not to be our real selves, because we knew they couldn't handle our real selves.
It doesn't matter how we try to explain ourselves. The more we try to make them understand, the less they actually want to. The cat's out the bag and the mask is off. They've seen what we really are now and there's no going back.
To some people, we are simply gross. Too bad they're often the people we've wanted to be the closest to. People we've been limerent over.
I know that the tendency to be like this is born of loneliness and unhealed wounds from the past. How do I know that the friends I have now won't all abandon or leave me too?
The thing that would be the most satisfying is not having answers to these questions, but knowing that I'm not the only one in this boat, understanding what the boat even is, and knowing if there's any way out of it.
Does anyone else get this?