I'm tired of being a sexual being because i'm catholic and am mostly gay
I'm Catholic and have very strong homosexual tendencies. My sexuality is like this: Very few heterosexual feelings for strangers, very strong homosexual feelings for random guys I see on the street. I have a pubic hair fetish. I get extremely aroused at seeing a hairy penis, no matter how old the person is (unless they are elderly). A bald penis or pubic area is not in the least bit attractive to me, no matter who it's on. I imagine all young males who are hairy naked. Just seeing a mature young guy makes me want to beat off, even if they aren't naked. I feel the only way I could experience heterosexual feelings is if i get to know the right woman and then fall in love.
The main reason I'm not openly gay is because I don't want to encourage it so I won't act out. I REALLY DON'T want to go to hell. I used to masturbate every day for an hour, but I've been told by most priests that it's a damnable offense. I go to confession regularly, and I just went 2 days ago. My desire is to bond with other guys and masturbate and cuddle with them. I'm not into any kind of anal or oral sex. I've had a few chances for this, but i haven't given in. There is no way anyone can convince me that hell isn't real. I WILL NOT take such a risk.
I've already screwed up since my last confession. I saw a teen nudist, who is of legal age, in my quora news feed. I clicked and started browsing teen and 20's penis pictures. It made me extremely horny to see all these hairy dicks and now I really want to beat off, fantasize and cum. I'm an usher at church and I will be at mass tomorrow. I plan on taking communion since I haven't masturbated yet and my last confession was about 48 hours ago. I'll do my best to time my next masturbation session right before I can confess again. I really try to avoid this but sometimes it's impossible.
I know that because of hell, I can't be gay and sexually active. I can't be sexually active unless I'm married to a woman. I REALLY NEED a place to put my penis, or I will always be conflicted and worried about my afterlife like i am today. I can't take this anymore. I just want to be a good person and at least make it to purgatory. When I masturbate, I moan and pretend like I'm fucking a woman, even though I'm usually picturing hot hairy dicks in my mind. When I fantasize about a woman, I feel a lot less stimulated the with gay fantasies.
I'm really tired of this. All I can do right now as hope that I die in a repentant state right after confession before I can screw up again. I keep confessing to the two priests at my parish, and I'm sure they are getting tired of the same old things from me. I'm really terrified. I feel like both my sexuality and religion are ruining my life. My most important goal is to get into heaven. I feel like I might have a sex addiction. Please give me advice, but don't try to make me an athiest because it will not work.