I'm questioning my faith and it's driving me insane
Ever since I was a little girl, I was raised in a Christian household, by religious people. I even went to Christian school for about 4 years.
In my middle-school and high-school years, I never really was a "devout" Christian. I believed in God and the Bible, but I had a few flaws. I didn't pray everyday, I believed some things some Christians probably shouldn't, yada yada yada.
Turn back about last month, I had recently turned 19. I started questioning my faith. I started reading the Bible more, looking up answers, looking at science and facts and reading scriptures. Nothing makes sense anymore.
But I don't want to leave my faith. I'm scared of Hell, I'm scared of what my family may think if I convert. My god, there's been points in my life where I've been suicidal, and the only thing there to prevent me from killing myself is that fear of hell.
And now... I'm thinking it doesn't exist. I'm thinking it doesn't make sense. I don't want to think these things. It scares me, it's driving me insane. Christianity doesn't make sense but it's what I grew up with. It doesn't feel right! I just want to pick one or the other and live peacefully but I damn well can't.
If I decide to be an Atheist, I fear going to hell and losing my family.
But if I decide to stay Christian, I fear living a lie. Living a life I could have lived any other way. Wasting my years.
What do I do? I feel so lost. I've lost sleep to this shit, I've felt anxiety with this shit. I don't know what's real anymore, my entire world is falling apart.
What do I do? I know this post probably sounds like a bunch of rambling and nonsense but I need something. Can someone tell me something? I beg of you, anyone who's reading this. I cannot live my life like this anymore, it's killing me.