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I love my friends so much. But i realized just now that.. I treat them like shit. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT!!! I WANT TO DIE NOW!! How couldn't i noticed before? How do i stop? Why did i treat them like shit to begin with?? Help! I feel like shit..
It's good to acknowledge that you may not have treated your friends very well, but admitting there's a problem is the first step to a solution. The best thing to improve is communication. Talk to your friends about what they need in the relationship, and try to be conscious and respectful of their needs and boundaries. It's also a good idea to be direct and honest with your needs. After all, your friends can't read your mind, so being passive aggressive won't help out. Accepting blame is also a big help, but not to the point that you blame yourself for other's wrongdoings. It's good to know you want to stop, and I hope your love for your friends will continue to motivate you to improve. Take care of yourself too! :3
It's normal to have personal insight and a conscience. It's also normal to wrestle with a certain amount of grief, and shame about your previous harms done. I think you should do an inventory of your harms done to your friends, and family. Then from your inventory you make a list of the people you feel you have been hurtful toward, or unappreciative of, and set out upon the task of making amends.
Another thing that what you can do is to pray, and meditate about asking your Higher Power to forgive you, and then burn the inventory and cast the ashes to the wind, or bury them. Ask your Higher Power to help you forgive yourself!
If you're a Roman Catholic person like me you can also make a point to take advantage of the sacrament of reconciliation. If you are in a twelve step program you can also use the inventory to do a fifth step with your sponsor, a priest, minister, rabbi, or even a therapist who is familiar with the twelve step process.
Also you can use your inventory in order to come up with a list of character defects, and pray for your Higher Power to remove your character defects. If it all feels like too much then ask your Higher Power for the willingness to be willing.
I know it sounds like a lot, but I believe that the tasks I have shared will make it easier for you move forward in your life, forgive yourself, and heal. I also believe that following the suggestions I have made will help you build your self-esteem. Doing esteemable acts will help you build genuine self-esteem! You need to work on learning to love, and forgive yourself. It's not always easy, but it's worth it! ☺
well looks like you didnt really give a fuck about them, hardly screams out "love" to me, you are lucky they havent ditched yo ass yet