I have a codependent friend

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22 Comments

I have a codependent friend of the martyr-complex variety. She has supposedly broken free of her addict/narcissistic abuser who has been using her while she was also enabling him. I'm happy for her, but now she doesn't want to talk about whatever she did to break free, or what happened. I guess I'm rather curious since I listened to her complain about this stuff for many hours over the years.

Anyway, now for whatever reason she wants to pay for me to visit her, and she wants to pay $600 for me to attend some weekend Landmark Forum thing in which I have no interest. I turned her down of course, and I'm feeling a bit smothered. I feel she's being too bossy for my taste. I don't feel comfortable accepting trips, and money for something I'm not interested in just so she can perhaps tell me at a later date that I owe her. Any thoughts?

I feel that I need some distance from my friend, because of her recent bossy attitude, and she has even started to try to nag me into accepting her offers. I really don't want bossy people in my life, and I don't appreciate the way this woman tries to boss me, and she she tells me that I *need* to accept her offers, or I *need* to attend the Landmark Forum. I feel that if a person really likes, and cares for me as a friend he, or she would ask me if there was anything I was interested in instead of trying to pressure me into attending a cult-like brainwashing forum for a weekend in which I have no interest. I think if someone really cared about me he, or she wouldn't pressure me. Lord knows if I had $600 I would rather spend it on horse therapy, or maybe swimming with dolphins.

This friend I'm speaking of seems to love to "help" people, and then talk about how she's been taken advantage of by them. I'm not saying this woman hasn't been taken advantage of before, but the last few times I have spoken to her I got this really *icky* feeling, and just wanted to get away from her.

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29% Normal
Based on 7 votes (2 yes)
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Comments ( 22 )
  • Iszzy123
    4 years ago

    Well she’s been hurt and just re-distributing that hurt around and need to spend that money on some therapy and till then love her from a distance

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  • MrMercury24
    4 years ago

    Run. The hell. Away.

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  • Bazinga
    4 years ago

    FWIW, I have seen people with Dependency type personality disorders behave exactly like your friend. In this case, she is replacing the narcissistic vacuum (Hoover) with another unhealthy dependency thru Landmark.

    There's two issues here. First is the 600 bucks. To build your own capability to help people in general, why don't you say fuck off to Landmark and buy a Great Courses class on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)? I did this for $50, and am now a greater asset to my friends.

    Secondly, you have a distance issue. Protecting your own psyche is paramount. Limit conversations to only a couple a week. Wish her well at Landmark. Turn yourself into social teflon.

    Good luck.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      The $600 is hers, and not mine. I have already bought some Great Courses on Audible one of which is titled, "Understanding the Dark Side of Human Nature". If I had $600 to blow I would go do something I believe in, spend it on something I really want, and or pay off some of my credit card debt.

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      • Bazinga
        4 years ago

        Cool. Sounds remotely related to the Dark Side of Alts at IIN.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          4 years ago

          Having lots of alts isn't really cool.

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          • Bazinga
            4 years ago

            Of course, quantity doesn't matter. Quality diabolical awarenesses provide paranoid psychic electricity. Those of the female nature are especially compelling.

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  • SwickDinging
    4 years ago

    People like this annoy the fuck out of me. There are quite a few of them around. They sneak up on you because you don't notice it straight away. The only advice I can give you is to keep distancing yourself.

    You will probably encounter others like her in the future. Just start backing away as soon as you realise what's happening. It's awkward at the time but you are always happier in the long-run when you don't have that person bossing you around anymore.

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  • LornaMae
    4 years ago

    From what you've recounted, I'm willing to bet that she has just transferred her codependency to her relationship with you now that she doesn't have the other one.

    If it were me I'd definitely cut her out of my life. Actually, I think I would have done that way before, I hate complainers with all my heart.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      I think what you're saying here makes a lot of sense. I don't doubt that this dude with whom she was involved took advantage of her, but I think she put herself out there to help him and attempt to control him as well, because she wanted to play some sort of savior, or martyr role.

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      • LornaMae
        4 years ago

        I didn't just pull my assumption completely out of my ass - or maybe I did, who knows? lol - but as someone who has had codependency issues in the past I figured as much. Are you keen on letting her go as a friend or at least considering the idea?

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          4 years ago

          I feel like she's kinda crazy, not that I'm not crazy in my own way, because I am. I've certainly had more than my share of codependency issues, but I've also tried to address my issues through therapy, CODA meetings, reading and watching videos about this kinda stuff.

          I feel a little like a jerk for saying this, but I kinda resent her for not sharing with me how, and why she managed to break free from her situation with this person who is an addict, and has been taking advantage of her for years. I guess I figure it would be nice to know more specifics, because I've spent so much time listening to her talk about her problems, and complain about this guy. I wish I had a hundred dollars for everytime I devised an exit strategy for her only to later hear her say that she just feels so sorry for him, but now that she's finally free of this toxic relationship she tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it, and that she doesn't even wanna hear his name. It might sound ridiculous, but I feel kinda used a bit myself. I know logically that she has a right to her privacy, and that she doesn't owe me an explanation, but I feel like being there for her over the years has been very draining for me.

          I also resent her trying to push these overpriced brainwashing, Landmark Forum, weekend seminars on me. I honestly don't think I'd pay a dime for that even if I won a million dollars in the lottery tomorrow, because I'm just not interested. From what I've read it's kinda confrontational, and in your face which does not appeal to me in the least. The only entities I want in my face are cats, dog and other friendly animals.

          I think the only way I would ever attend a Landmark event would be if I was being paid to go in there wearing a hidden camera.

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          • LornaMae
            4 years ago

            You do not, in any way, sound ridiculous! I will get back to the rest of this tomorrow (because I have to sleep! haha), I promise!

            For now, I'll say you've done nothing wrong and that she is/has been using you!!

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  • ellnell
    4 years ago

    I've been in a co-dependent friendship myself. Started with him being co-depedent due to all of the issues he had and me being the only person he could rely on. Then I admittedly got pretty co-depedent on him as well so even though we cared for each other we just started dragging each other down by leaning too heavily on each other. We are no longer friends. We just argued nonstop in the end. It's probably a good idea to distance yourself, and for her to learn she can't help everyone. I've been that person myself and it's true that when you have that mentality that you wanna help everyone people are gonna notice it and take advantage of you. She's got to learn to help herself first. She can't learn this if she's being enabled.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      I also kinda think that she wants people to control people, myself included, and also wants people to feel that they owe her. Thanks for your comment.

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  • litelander8
    4 years ago

    I bet it’s a cult!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Landmark, formerly known as Landmark Education, has been likened to a cult. I'm not a fan.

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landmark_Worldwide

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        It's from sixteen years ago, so things might have changed in the meantime, but an interesting article about Landmark that clearly isn't from a shill for the organisation:

        https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2003/dec/14/ameliahill.theobserver

        Although there are plenty of dangerous and exploitative people and organisations out there, I think "cult" is a derogatory and dismissive label that people apply far too readily to things that are outside their comfort zone.

        It sounds like you've done your share of introspection and put effort into sorting out your own life, so the woman telling you that you need to do the Landmark course could be a classic case of projection. Or, to be more charitable, perhaps she recognises at some level that it's something that could be helpful to her, but she's afraid to make that leap on her own, so she wants you there to metaphorically (and perhaps literally) hold her hand.

        You've clearly spent a lot of time pondering the dynamics of your relationship with the woman and your feelings about her. If you really aren't interested in doing the course, obviously you should stand your ground and decline her offer and the strings that you're sure are attached. But who knows? Maybe Landmark is all that, she'll be a transformed person after the course, and you'll see that she's suddenly able to accept stuff that you've been saying for years.

        Would you be open to reviewing your opinion on Landmark if you're able to see that the course has allowed her to sort things out and has improved her relationship with you and others? If so, maybe you should consider telling her that.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          4 years ago

          I'm happy for her if it's helped her, but I don't appreciate her trying to push it on me.

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