I hate my mom

This is probably really mean of me to say but I hate my mom, i think. Sometimes I can tolerate her, but sometimes, like right now, I can't fucking stand her.
Maybe because she ran my dad out of my life, I remember being really young and he would come see me all the time, take me out, even sleep over my grandmas house, I mean I don't remember if it was before he has his other kids but either way it was nice, I also remember her always arguing with him. Because that what my mom does, argue. She probably ran him away with all her fucking arguing. I remember one day we ran into my dad at mcdonalds and she just bitched at him really loud in front of EVERY ONE. Even I was embarrassed for him. I don't think she knows how to set aside her own personal feelings for her own children. Recently she did the same thing w my younger sisters father, she told him he can't see her ever again because he doesn't come see her every day but he see his other daughter every day because he now lives with the woman who he cheated on my mom with while they were together. She doesn't know how to let feelings go, or move on, mind you he's been in jail for 7 years so she's had more than enough time to move on. I say if a father wants to be in their kids life, let him. Every child, especially little girls need a father figure in their life. Maybe I feel that way because I would've really loved to have one in my life. But I still believe she pushed him away. Witch irritates me when I think of it.
Also, my mom left me with my grandmother when I was five. I remember the day she asked me if I wanted to stay with my grandmother, my mom was moving into her first apartment. Sad thing is she took my brother. He was a new born baby, so I don't think it was due to issues with care sitters. Plus I was in elementary school so through out the day I was gone. I don't think it was due to money issues because we went on a lot of trips when I was younger, and Christmas was always filled with presents stacked to the ceiling. So I don't know exactly why she left me with my grandmother, she told me to tell my grandmother yes when my grandmother asked if I wanted to stay with her, I really wanted to say no. But I ended up living with my grandmother up until the age of 12. Which was very lonely for me because I was the only child at my grandmothers house and my grandmother was very strict. I mean she'd wasn't anything like my mom, she at least let me go down stairs to play with the little girl who lived down stairs and like once she let me invite a friend over, and she even hung out with a lady who had two of her granddaughters and we got along well. I always went to my dads house when I lived with my grandmother too. I don't think my grandmother cared. I only went to my moms house on weekends and some weekends I cried because I didn't even want to go, I don't know why I cried. I just did. My mom used to hit me. Not spank. So maybe I was scared of her. She loved taking her anger out on me, and saying things like "I'll beat you like your a girl on the street" things like that makes your child resent you in a way.
My mother was also VERY strict. Like strict to a point that when I turned 16 I just completely rebeled against her. She didn't let me hang out with any of my friends and she had me baby sitting my sister while she worked LONG hours and went out clubbing at the age of 13!! I felt like a teenage mom. Like I'm saying every day I was watching my baby sister and brother, feeding them, cleaning them, clothing them. It made me sick. I couldn't get a job, couldn't hang out with friends and mind you my mom didn't care. Her excuse was she worked and she put a roof over my head. Which is like that's your job. If you didn't want to do all that why open your legs and have kids?? Should've just gave me up for adoption. When I rebeled against her she kicked me out 3 times. I went to my aunts, only reason I didn't stay at my aunts is because she had too many people there but that's when I took advantage of the FREEDOM. Becuase I never had FREEDOM. And while I was out she had no problem finding someone to watch my sister, which baffles me because I was given the burden of watching her for my younger teenage years. But as soon as I moved back i had to be done all over again. Now my brother who is 15 watches my sister, and the sad thing is I don't even care. There's way more to my mom. She's selfish, she's always been quick to tell me she hates me. I just want to move out far away from her. She's too stuck in her ways to be helped. I'm honestly at a point where I give up in trying to improve our relationship. I first I cried. Now that I pay a bill she leaves me alone which is great. I'll spit in that bitches face. She's disgusting to me. The way she speaks irritates me. She's stupid to me. She's weak to me. Not a good role model. I don't have a female role model. I am my role model. Everything I do I do it because I want to, because I know where I want to be and where I want to go. Soon as I fought for my freedom she completely gave up on me. I could leave the state for 4 days and not tell her and she won't even call and check up to see if I'm alive. I don't know what her hatred towards me is. Maybe it's because of my dad. And maybe I'll never know. I'd rather be anywhere else besides with her. I seriously cannot stand her. When I move she'll be lucky to even get a happy birthday from me. I Hate her. I'll be the woman she never was. And I'll learn it all on my own.