I feel my mind is in a gridlocked state. i need some help
I am a 24yo man. I am balding. Also, I do not have a job. I am heavily addicted to drinking and smoking. I have never dated a girl ever (I come from an ultra-conservative family). Honestly, I have never been responsible for myself. I didn't do well in school, so I couldn't get a good job while most of my classmates could. Since I am counting dollars for survival, I cannot afford to go out on a date, not even for a coffee. I was a virgin till 23, but then I just got it done with a prostitute. However, I can't afford to visit prostitutes much, if at all. Once I got so desperate that I got drunk and hooked up with a gay man on Tinder, but I couldn't enjoy it at all. I feel a burning desire to hold a woman close to me but I can't have anyone. And this feeling of missing out on physical affection is making me extremely miserable, I can't focus on getting a new job. This is the gridlock - lack of affection doesn't let me work, lack of work(i.e. money) doesn't let me get affection. I have wasted a lot of my money on alcohol and cigarettes, I feel really guilty about that.
I do feel happy when I get drunk. That's why I can't stop drinking once I start. Just a few days ago, I drank 3 Four Lokos and fell down on the street, and called 911. But whenever I don't drink for a couple of days, the reality just comes crashing down. I forget about my balding when I get drunk, but when I get sober, I just break down realizing that I don't have much chances of getting a girlfriend. I can't take it and I drink again. My baldness is my own fault - I masturbated heavily over the past several years, knowing that it will harm me. I just find that my mind stops working whenever I do that.
I know that life is unfair and that I am not as good as the other men out there. I know that sex is a privilege and not a right. However, whenever this realization hits me, I feel a deep knot in my stomach. We get life only once, and I just can't get over the fact that I am going to be bald in this one life that I get. I also can't get over the fact that I missed out on the peak years of my libido. Sometimes, I get some dark thoughts - like buying a pet and killing it. I am afraid to accept the reality that I am not good enough because I feel that that might make me complacent, which might lead to me losing opportunities. I really don't know how to think about my life so as to live the best possible life that I can have. Please help me. I don't have anyone - I can't talk to my parents about this because they are ultra-conservative and they demonize sex.