I don’t understand who i am or what’s real

As a kid I didn’t have the best home life or many friends so I spent most of my time in a world of my own making. This continued when I got to middle school, and I started applying this world of my own to the real world (finding fictional explanations for real life problems, out of habit) which naturally caused me some problems. At the same time, I started having issues with identity and major disconnects between myself and my body/existence. When high school started my parents divorced and we almost had to move far from my home. This was while I was severely depressed. So, without realizing it, I went back into a fictional world and created “other personalities” that I could become to protect myself.

Long story short, I have big problems with identity and fiction vs reality, which causes me to have regular panic attacks due to watching movies/tv shows (because I start acting like/thinking like a character since characters are supposed to be relatable etc and then panic because “oh god who am I what’s real”).

I’m asking this here because never in my life have I heard anybody echo this feeling and there are no existing diagnoses that seem to describe what I’m experiencing. I’d like to know if any of these experiences are normal or if anybody else has experienced/known someone who’s experienced this stuff. I feel horrifically alone on this.

P.S. I don’t have the “other personalities” anymore as I eventually recovered from my depression at the time and came to my senses about those delusions that I had at the time. But I very, very often feel myself trying to slip back into those “personalities” out of fear and I have to stop myself. And no, I did not have dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder), as I unconsciously made that happen on my own and never had amnesia etc

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Comments ( 19 )
  • Grunewald

    That sounds very unpleasant. I haven't experienced switching of personalities or confusion over what is real. I did however develop a rich fantasy world as a teen, populated with people I admired, that I used to dissociate to. I always knew it was only fantasy though, even if in my real-life interactions with the people I fantasised being with, I had the false impression that we ought to be closer than we were because of what had happened in the fantasy, and I kept thinking 'why have they gone cold on me?'

    Likewise I connected deeply with characters in films and people used to laugh about how strongly I reacted to them, but I never confused my reality with theirs (even if a disturbing film might leave me disturbed for days).

    I am sorry to hear that you have this distressing issue. I don't think that your issue is the same as mine, even though mine might reflect yours somehow.

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    • Yeah, I always knew deep down that none of it was real but I never would admit it to myself cause I was so scared of reality. But later (in high school) it got harder to understand that it wasn’t real and I started acting strangely because of these feelings which terrified me. Now if I’m presented with a concept that’s hard to put into fiction or reality then I start to freak out. Thank you for sharing this though! I also react very strongly to characters. I have to pace myself every time I watch something new cause I know it could put me in a bad state for weeks (I saw the recent movie “Joker” and loved it and felt totally okay the whole time but the next day I was nauseous all day and kept thinking I was hallucinating stuff. Messed up my brain for a couple weeks)

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  • windyleave

    I was about to suggest that maybe you had MPD until I read that last part. It seems to me that this is not a joke, it would be understandable that a person that has gone through bad experiences and lived in a complicated environment from a very young age could get some kind of MPD-like issues. What I mean, of course, is that this is NOT normal to happen, but that it could. I'm very happy that you could get past the worst of it but, as you say, you're not fully recovered yet and the other personalities could strike again. I strongly, strongly advise you to see a reliable psychiatrist and let them guide you to recovery. If I were you, I wouldn't completely rule out that you could have or have had some type of MPD, but that should be left to the professionals to diagnose. I don't know if you've seen the movie "Identity" with John Cusack, but that movie may not depict the illness accurately or there might be some other types. Please go to a psychiatrist and tell me how it goes.

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    • Thank you for taking this seriously. I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for a few years and he has helped me for a lot of my recovery (I would not be in the place I am mentally without his help) but a therapist can only do so much. I’d definitely love to be able to ask other professionals but unfortunately that costs money and time, neither of which I have much of at the moment.

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      • windyleave

        If I were you I'd make seeing other professionals a goal and save money to make it. Your health is no joke, please do everything possible to recover.

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        • Thank you for your kindness

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  • DIO

    There's nothing wrong with dreaming. You just have to make the difference between reality and what's only inside your head.
    If used correctly, imagination can be a very powerful tool.

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    • Haha I know that last bit we’ll. I’m a writer. It’s just that my mental illness makes it very hard for me to discern what’s real and what’s not

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      • DIO

        Well as long as you don't harm yourself and others, this shouldn't be a problem right?

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        • Yeah you’d think. Issue is I am causing harm to myself and sometimes to others. I don’t want to, though.

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  • --

    Thats not a panic attack.

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    • I don’t describe any of what happens when I have panic attacks, so you have no place to say this, and you’re wrong.

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      • --

        ""which causes me to have regular panic attacks due to watching movies/tv shows (because I start acting like/thinking like a character since characters are supposed to be relatable etc and then panic because “oh god who am I what’s real”).""

        I quote something again from what I already quoted

        "“oh god who am I what’s real”"
        (thought process)

        Again now this

        "then panic because “oh god who am I what’s real”)."
        (symptom)

        May cause anxiety but you are not having panic attacks :)
        So be thankful for that and maybe stop watching movies!!
        I know if I watched movies that caused panic attacks I would never watch them again.
        I think really you are just being a baby.

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        • Nikclaire

          Sounds like they are describing what leads to the panic attack not the attack itself.

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        • Again you’re mistaken. Health professionals (my therapist, general practitioner, and a psychiatrist) have confirmed that these are panic attacks, as they may start from a break in reality but they result in me hyperventilating, becoming lightheaded (usually as a result of the hyperventilating), my heart rate quickening dramatically, as well as extremely increased paranoia (I already have very bad paranoia caused by a diagnosed general anxiety disorder but while in an attack any small stimulus real or imagined could send me spiraling) and a few other symptoms. And I don’t rewatch things that cause me panic, that’d be stupid. The issue is I have no idea when it’s going to cause me issues, and it’s almost all media that can set me off. I’m a writer and a film student so unfortunately that’s a part of my life that I can not remove. I simply wish to be able to recognize and control what it is that’s causing me distress when I consume fictional media.

          P.S. I realized u might be just being really specific about panic attacks vs anxiety attacks, so apologies I guess if you are cause in strictly professional terms what I have is closer to an “anxiety attack” but also you’re still being rude and in discussing my disorders with professionals there has never been any need to specify a difference between using the terms panic attack vs anxiety attack, and I surely don’t find it relevant on this, a no professional website.

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          • --

            No worries! But I think you should give the movies a break and force yourself out into the real world, force yourself out in nature, go for long jogs, get some sun :)

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            • I do, I assure you. Most of my time is spent at school or at work and my transportation is walking and public transport. I do avoid watching movies/tv because I know I risk putting myself in harm’s way if I do, it’s just difficult being in the world I’m in (like I said, I’m studying film) to avoid it all all the time. But I appreciate you being kind in response to my defense

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