I deserve my anxiety for being a terrible student

It has been such a struggle but it feels so much heavier because this is it.

-I have to write good essays for my colleges
-I have to get as many scholarships as possible
-I need to prepare for AP CALCULUS
-I need to prepare for AP ART HISTORY (It is a horrible hell of memorizing hundreds of artworks. No one could ever enjoy it, much less pass it.)
-I need to get a high SAT score (It will be hopeless if I don't do well on the next one)
-I need to stop procrastinating on my work (I have been doing some homework the PERIOD BEFORE)
-I need to decide on a major

Despite this, I'm not sure if I even deserve to complain. All I ever do is sit on my ass while my friends do twice as much as I do for the same work. It just makes me feel so pathetic, and even though I go along with it and joke "haha, yeah I barely did any work", it still hurts me so much. I think they see me as a joke, so when I do well they get upset because they worked much harder and got a lower grade.
When our teachers flaunted that I got a 5 (the highest score) in AP US History AND AP English, they just HAD to do it in front of the class. I felt so humiliated.

I also tend to be very opinionated, which probably makes them hate being around me more. The moment I open my mouth I just sound so bitchy, rude, and generally stupid. I know that they wish I would stop talking too, as they've expressed distaste over what I say (not that I blame them.)

I honestly don't think I have any room to complain considering the kind of person I am (I won't go into detail, but if I did you'd probably understand too.) I'm the kind of child that would get slapped in the mouth for acting so obnoxious.
Just imagine a terrible annoying student and it would probably be me.

I just feel so angry and frustrated with myself, I don't know what to do.

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Comments ( 4 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • You talk about yourself so harshly, I'm almost positive that no one else sees you like that. Also everyone has different learning styles and abilities, you are not lazy I promise, you just got issues. Treat yourself nicely and go get some help, don't feel bad for caring for yourself.

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  • Don't hate urself bb

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  • i just fucking showed up to a college with cash and they took it. life was so much easier 40 years ago. i swear to god thats how it happened.

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  • I wish I could put my hands through the screen and give you a hug.

    You can't be a bad person if you worry so much about things like this.

    Sometimes, you're forced to play the hand you're dealt. If your friends feel that way about you, can you really call them friends? I know it's much more difficult in practice to "find new friends", but I'm still tempted to say, "find new friends". Discard the whole hand.

    How you perform now will end up laying out the structure of your whole life. Worry about yourself for now. Hold off on compromises until you're set on your path. You don't want to struggle any more than you have to.

    From where I'm sitting, I can tell just from your post that you're thoughtful, concise, and intelligent. You'll go far. Don't let any drama drag you down.

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