I believe she was the cause of my anxiety disorder- IIN?

I have had anxiety most my life. It started at around the age of 16.
It got worse over time as I've gotten older. I do feel I'm part of the group that are classed as "mental illness".
What triggered the beginning of my anxiety was the "what if I'm a lesbian" thoughts because I was getting these feelings for my best friend. Before I met her, I never had an anxiety problem. Things would trigger it such as people asking if I had a bf or just a general topic about relationships. This was my deepest fear. I developed a bit of social anxiety and I remember I couldn't go to meet up with my teachers because of my anxiety. At the time, I wasn't aware it was anxiety. Skip forward...
the girl I fell for, I eventually told and confessed my feelings after 6 yrs of keeping it hidden. I tried my damdest to hide my tru feelings out of shame and guilt for loving someone of the same gender. She rejected me, broke my heart, was kind about it but I was still heart broken. Prior to telling her I had a ton of anxiety/ panic attacks.
I got through that but anxiety has haunted me ever since and ever since I had ocd intrusive thoughts anxiety at one point.
I'm 23f and I believe I have an anxiety disorder, the triggers have always sort of changed but now I live "on the edge".
I don't feel peace or much joy anymore as I always feel as if something bad is going to happen. I try my very best to be social, laugh and help others in any way I can but some days are bad and my heart will race all day. Even subtly I can feel it skipping a bit faster. I get anxious going to places I once loved and I have NO idea WHY! Can heart ache cause this ? I have a passion and goals but I am not really focused on it because my anxiety distracts me and says I can't do that because I feel anxious so must be bad idea.
I feel like I'm fucked in the head and that I'm over thinking (which I probably am), but I seriously live in fear.
I can't help these feelings, it scares me, and especially panic attacks. I'm only 24 and I feel the adrenaline pump through me everyday, what ever I do. I know I'm going to die young and age fast and nothing can help me.

Is It Normal?
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  • I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you sound very normal. Yes heart ache and old familiar places that were once safe can make you panic, especially combined with generous amounts of overthinking. Unless you have a chemical imbalance related to anxiety though you can eventually return to a relatively peaceful life. A chemical imbalance too just needs the right changes to ease the pain.

    It also just sounds like finding yourself has been rocky, but you shouldn't let a bad experience discourage you from looking into it further. Telling yourself that nothing can help you is a lie, but as someone who's actually wrestled with anxiety I understand it can feel that way. You might want to try redefining what you believe from the ground up and testing the merit of those beliefs. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to your gender. Don't let your feelings think for you, they're not there for that. For the anxiety I suggest finding peace in some kind of support. Reaching out is good. So are things like breathing exercises and a "calming to you" personal space.

    Basically, look for the things that remind you you're actually going to be okay. It's easy to drown in anxiety, so look for plenty of supports too. You're not alone and you will get through when all's said and done.

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    • Thank you! Really appreciate the advice :)

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  • Yeah not with that attitude. Many people are in your situation. You have to force yourself to travel ideally in situations you'd consider dangerous and also have as much sex as you can with conversations that make you feel super vulnerable once you see that you control your pain the fear goes away also you have to force yourself to love or at least get along with yourself but really love or at least try to love. It's not a big problem I'm 24 too and my entire life changed this year

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    • Have sex with conversations?

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      • Lol I meant it like have pizza with beer. Like not that you would share a pizza with a beer but like if I said and instead of with. That's funny tho I would've read it the way you did too

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        • Never heard of that term and still bit confused lol bare with me I'm blonde

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          • You must have sex with human beings and have conversations with them that make you feel vulnerable.

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