How to help a partner that's given up?

6 Comments

I don't want to put too much personal info here, but I'm at a total loss with this facet of my relationship. My partner of five years has been gradually becoming more stressed about their work/school/financial situation. I make enough to provide for both of us, and don't mind that, but they feel they aren't going anywhere in life and by this age they should have found their niche and career. They feel that it's due to a lack of talent, skill, passion, and worth. It has escalated to a point in which they feel like nothing they do will succeed, so they don't even try anymore. Won't work hard in college anymore, won't put out any job applications, won't pursue their hobbies, won't exercise, nothing. Because they feel they will fail anyway so why bother. It puts a lot of pressure on me as well to provide, as well as keep up general mood and morale, though I've stopped bringing that up lately. Other than this situation though, they are a wonderful partner and we have been very happy together so far. They have been nothing but good to me, and always supported me when I was low too. We have been through a lot together and I love them very much, and I want to do what I can to get them back on their feet. On the surface it seems like laziness, but it stems from a mildly abusive household and self-esteen issues. They have incredibly low self-esteem and I can't seem to help that no matter how hard I try. It hurts, and their depression has been slowly dragging me down as well. They feel hopeless and worthless, and it's so difficult to sit and watch. What should I do?

Look up resources myself 1
Continue pushing them to do something 5
Something else?? 3
Leave them alone and let them figure it out 4
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Comments ( 6 )
  • brutus
    4 years ago

    Sounds like depression, have them try antidepressants.

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  • Boojum
    4 years ago

    Depression is a bitch, not least because it's self-fulfilling: you feel you're worthless, so you don't do or try anything, and that means you achieve nothing positive in life, which is the definition of a worthless, unlovable person.

    Some people find that antidepressants are very helpful to break the cycle, and start to move out of the downward spiral.

    Physical exercise, even something as mild as walking, has been shown to help some people. Spending time in nature, even if it's just the local park, can be beneficial.

    Unfortunately, nobody can force someone else out of depression. The depressed person has to recognise that something has gone haywire with their brain chemistry and function, and they have to decide to seek and accept help. But one of the results of depression is that you lose all perspective and have even less objectivity about your own behaviour than most of us do normally. Sometimes, people have to hit some deep depths before they can see that they really need help. And unfortunately, it's not at all unusual for depressed people to decide that life is simply not worth living.

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  • Cuntsiclestick
    4 years ago

    If it were me, I'd leave. Putting in the constant effort to get them to work, feel happy/secure, and financially support them is enough to make me feel dead inside. If they don't want to help themselves or accept my help the relationship is pointless.

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  • einexile
    4 years ago

    * I'm not a healthcare professional. *

    These days most people who are just useless and without direction spend all their time playing video games. I agree that this person is probably suffering from depression and needs to be gotten help, and that falls to either you or their family and friends, like any other incapacitating health problem. It's not that they won't do anything about it, they legitimately can't. That's one of the symptoms.

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  • WeirdManFromTheSouth
    4 years ago

    Does he have a father? Talk to his father. He sounds weak. He needs someone to set his ass straight and quit the pity party. Life is a mother fucker.

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    • einexile
      4 years ago

      Since there's an abuse background the father is probably either an asshole, a dead weight bystander, or a big disgusting bag of regrets who will only make the situation worse with a bunch of remorse and attempts at eleventh hour healing and bonding. On the other hand it might be worth looking into reconnecting with favorite relatives, lost friends, estranged siblings, anyone who may have been there for it, or who OP's partner feels has left a hole in their life. I think this is best done as part of therapy.

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