Have you had a satisfying friendship with someone with a saviour complex?

19 Comments

Has anyone else tried being friends with someone with a saviour complex who decided they needed to 'rescue' you? You know, where they are obsessed with rescuing you from yourself and seem to derive this almost masochistic delight in crucifying themselves for you and never seem happier than when you ask for their help?

Did the friendship last? Did they get bored of you once the novelty wore off of having a new broken-winged bird to take in? Did they break it off because they decided you were too much to handle or because they decided that someone was 'worthier' of their care than you were? Did their fierce, devoted messianic passion for you go cold or are you still just as good friends as you were at the first?

Backstory explained in another thread; I'm just confused and angry that this person made me love her and has dropped me like a stone now I seem to be okay, and I want to know from a psych perspective why it has all happened and can find next to nothing on Google... sorry to spam I'm just so angry and so confused...

We are just as good friends as we were at the first. 1
He/she 'rescued' me a long time ago and we are now closer than ever. 1
Our friendship inexplicably died. 3
He/she has found someone else to rescue and no longer has time for me. 0
We are still basically friends but not nearly as close as we used to be. 2
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Comments ( 19 )
  • RoseIsabella
    5 years ago

    That sounds like a very codependent, and unhealthy, even toxic situation. I can't remember if I've had a friendship exactly like you have described, or not. There's a lot wrong with me, but it's really only the job of myself to work on my issues, and God to fix me.

    I'm not a fixer upper, not because there's nothing wrong with me, but because I'm a person, a creature, a living thing, and not an inanimate object like a house, car, boat, motorcycle, or a piece of old furniture.

    I really think you should start reading books on codependency, and checkout Codependents Anonymous!

    http://coda.org/

    Also I think you need to look at the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

    What is wrong with you that you feel you need someone with a messiah complex to rescue you?

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    • Grunewald
      5 years ago

      I don't know whether this list is supposed to describe her or me. It fits us both pretty well.

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      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        Yes, it probably describes both of ya'll, but that's how codependency works. Codependency is a lot like a dance, an unhealthy dance, but still a dance.

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        • Grunewald
          5 years ago

          Yes... that was exactly what it was like. I recognized the steps of this 'dance' the moment we'd begun because I'd danced it before. I knew that the future of our friendship would hold a degree of joy and a degree of pain, but I hadn't banked on it flooring me like this.

          I think I'm going to cancel my final two mentoring sessions with her. Everything in me longs to have those three hours of her undivided attention, but I can't bear the indignity of the fact that she'd only be spending that time with her because her boss was paying her to. Whatever I might get out of the 'mentoring' will probably be undone anyway in emotional tumult the next Whatsapp message she ignores...

          I feel so rotten...

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          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            So she is a mentor that was assigned to you at work?

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            • Grunewald
              5 years ago

              Yes. She called me her 'friend' first. She had just completed a training course in coaching that was funded by the workplace and I was her 'Guinea pig', so to speak. I know a little about therapeutic relationships, having had counseling before (and having given 1-1 language classes in a business context: the demands of professionalism are similar). I didn't want to say anything because I thought that it was maybe just her 'way', and that she would find a way to make it work, but part of me feared that being her friend, colleague and coach-ee could potentially end in trouble. Especially since she kept consciously changing 'hats' mid-session. I strongly insisted that she be just my work coach and not my life coach, and urged her not to change roles, in order to limit how out of hand things can potentially get. But they have gone that way anyway.

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    • Grunewald
      5 years ago

      Thanks for the help. I don't need anyone with a messiah complex and I hadn't wanted one. I never asked her to do those things for me and was sometimes frankly embarrassed about how one-sided the relationship was, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She would stand aloof when I looked like I was okay. But I do have emotional vulnerabilities and they tend to attract people with messiah complexes. I was new to my career and struggling to do my job and keep my head above the water, and I really needed help.

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      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        I'm so glad that my comments were of help to you, dear heart! The thing about people who have these sort of complexes is that they tend to be very controlling, and manipulative. I myself have a mother who is quite controlling, and I think that has left me vulnerable to attract, and on occasion be attracted to certain types of people. When I need a healing female presence in my life I pray the Rosary, but no one can truly heal me other than God as in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It's not easy, and it still requires much work, and dedication on my part, but it's worth it, because it's from where true healing comes. I can of course get help from doctors, and therapists as well. It's also good to look for assistance from a supervisor, or mentor in a workplace sort of situation. Everything has it's place, and time.

        Hang in there, and I wish you all that best!

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        • Grunewald
          5 years ago

          God bless you, Rose. I would not think of my colleague as manipulative because she just seems such a good person, perfect in every way. But looking down that list most things remind me strongly of her - and even her little pep talks and therapist-like overreaches of unwanted (and sometimes bizarrely inappropriate) advice, reflect the therapy aims in that list!
          I am inappropriately obsessed with her; she is like an angel. And she triggers a fair number of my mommy issues - Rose, it seems our mothers had something in common.
          I love that you find your soul's true help in Father, Son and Holy Spirit alone. I strive to as well. I love praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy but I don't understand devotion to Mary, try as I might. I would love so much to bury myself in the motherliness of such a mother if I could just make spiritual sense of why it is not idolatry to do that. So I pray the Divine Mercy on a decade bracelet that I keep discreetly on my wrist, just without the Hail Mary.

          I don't have a therapist but really need one. This codependent woman is my work mentor. As for meds, I take them. Venlafaxine, and I try not to take Benzos unless I really need to...

          Thanks again for your input and help. It is wonderful not to feel alone.

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          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            I'm glad I could help. Might I suggest that that you could get some books on codependency to read. A great one is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There are also some great books out there about Boundaries as well by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

            Is this woman your direct supervisor, or a self appointed mentor type of person?

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            • Grunewald
              5 years ago

              Thank you!! The school is paying her to provide the coaching. First of all though she was self-appointed and she has often blurred the lines. For example when she has tried to 'coach' me outside of coaching sessions and I have said 'we are not in coaching now!' she has said, 'Oh but I am saying this to you because you are my friend!'. And, on one occasion, 'because I love you!' What I would give to hear her say those things now...

              I don't know whether to take anything she says seriously any more because none of the promises or resolutions she makes, materialize, and her past affirmations of friendship and love no longer seem to stand.

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  • Nikclaire
    5 years ago

    So many savoir posts these days.

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    • RoseIsabella
      5 years ago

      I only have one savior.

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      • Nikclaire
        5 years ago

        I have many of the four legged variety. 🐶

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        • RoseIsabella
          5 years ago

          My cat is my cheerleader!

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      • Grunewald
        5 years ago

        As do I... and I should have seen the warning signs in the way our affections seemed to be developing before it came to this emotional and spiritual train wreck of a situation.

        I'm OP by the way. I'm so angry I don't care who knows it.

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        • RoseIsabella
          5 years ago

          Yes, I think your anger, and frustration is normal. I imagine you probably feel like you've been chewed up, and spit out. Please know that you are not alone in these sorts of struggles. 😉

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    My wife and I are constantly arguing over who is the most superior (even though it’s clearly me).

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  • ijustwannaknowifimodd
    5 years ago

    Okay so I used to be the 'savior' one. No joke. I hate myself for it, yay.
    I didn't straight up decided 'oh I gotta save this dude', but we met online and he kept asking to talk with me and I was ok with that so we made friends. I kept trying to keep the conversation going, cos he didn't seem like he knew how to make a conversation (not saying I do that well, I'm below decent on a good day, but oh well). Turned out that he didn't speak with anyone irl and I was basically the only person he spoke to. He kept referring to me as some sort of goddess or some savior which made me really uncomfortable cos I just wanted a friend and he was in awe of me and that wasn't great. So I'd ignore that. Eventually it got too much for me. It's not like I'm trying to rescue everything - yes, I do like to help my friends as much as I possibly can but c'mon. I completely ghosted on him because he was just too much with the obsession with me, all because I told him he was a nice person.
    It's not really anywhere close to your situation, I think, but it's similar enough. Try not to let people be a savior. I don't know you and don't know you well enough or have seen any other posts to properly say whether or not you were the one putting them on a pedestal but even if it's not, if someone acts like a savior, you can shout 'TOXIC!' from the roofs in France, ok? It's not a fun relationship for either of the people involved and even if they enjoy being the savior, it can get uncomfortable and over the top at times.
    Hope this helped I guess?? It's a bit of a long paragraph but I can't be bothered to edit lol

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